This page last viewed: 2017-12-04 and has been viewed 3605 times

Title: Numb

by Black Fire

Rated PG

Comments: Well, it is A view of Without Reservations and Face in the whole final season, some dark thoughts and feelings, it is a bit sad, too (at least I made myself cry, but I have a very strong imagination),. I wrote this on a wet, dark autumn day, in a slightly
depressed state of mind, I know it's not brilliant, maybe it's not even good, but I wanted to share it, anyway. Some aspects are my own invention: did Face see the guy who shot him or didn't he...?

I know that BA didn't seem to be wearing any of his necklaces in the episode, but I think that he almost always wears his gold, so I let him wear it...and I know that Murdock was very rational in the episode, but to me, he was never really declared sane (and I
think that he isn't)....
The song Murdock sings is by Jacques Brel, a French love song, which I consider to be one of the strongest love songs ever. If any of you would like the lyrics and a translation, I'll type it up for you (I am too tired now).
The quotation by Borrow is a strange thing...I must have read it somewhere, and I cannot get it out of my head sometimes. I think it is very pretty.


Face was frustrated and depressed. Of course, they were all working towards getting their pardons, but was it all worth it? He knew that he always said that he wanted a normal life, and he had tried to leave the others, but it didn't work. He couldn't leave, because without the team, he didn't know where he belonged. Sure, he could invent a new life, find a girlfriend, or many girlfriends, a good job, but he would always be lonely, without the others. He smiled bitterly. Wouldn't make much of a difference any longer, would it? He hadn't felt like this in a long time. So terribly alone. Of course he understood what Hannibal was doing: Murdock had spent a long time in the VA, and needed all the support now that he was "sane". This meant that Hannibal gave him different tasks to do, to make him a constant and strong member of the team. Murdock needed security in his life, needed to know that he could cope without the VA. All that was perfectly logical . But it meant that Face's tasks were partly given to Murdock, and although he was glad that his friend was better, Face often felt that he was no longer useful to the team. BA spent time with Frankie, who needed a lot of support, as well, because he was young and inexperienced, and Face felt that he was slowly being pushed out of the team. He no longer felt needed. Murdock had his own life now, an apartment, a job, a girlfriend, and he didn't rely on Face as much as he used to. He had been almost cold towards him ever since the unfortunate scene between them about AJ Bancroft, Face's father. His sister didn't wish to stay in touch with him, which he didn't really mind very much, because he never had a family, except for the team.

When Murdock had left him outside, on the balcony, for a whole, rainy night, Face had been angry and disappointed in Murdock, and felt like this was symptomatic for what was going on between them: Murdock was closing him out of his life, which hurt more than anything else. He had tried to talk to Hannibal, but he wouldn't listen. "I know, kid, it's a hard time for all of us. But look on the bright side: when we get our pardons..." The pardon. That was the other thing. The only family he ever had didn't seem to need him any longer. So when they got their pardons, where would he go?

The Lieutenant came to the conclusion that this situation was bad, really bad: he needed the team, but the team no longer seemed to need him. He could not leave, but he felt like he cold not stay, either. So there was only one way out. He sighed, and decided to get changed. Hannibal, his girlfriend and BA were planning to watch football tonight, and he and Frankie had decided to go to the Italian restaurant where Murdock worked.  A change of scenery would be nice. Maybe.



The restaurant was nice, small and cozy, but it could not chase away the dark thoughts.

When Murdock came to their table and told them about the guys with the guns, Face bitterly thought: "Great. All of a sudden, I am useful again, when there's no-one else."

His plan was simple, but would be effective, he thought. So he went to return the wallet, Murdock tipped the beer all over the guys they disarmed them together. Suddenly, Face noticed something from the corner of his eye: a third person holding a gun. He didn't move, and didn't say anything, knowing that the gun was aimed at him. He felt the impact of the bullet even before he heard the gun being fired.

The pain was terrible, and he collapsed on the floor. Murdock and Frankie were at his side instantly, putting pressure on the wound, concerned for him. Or were they concerned about themselves, their own peace? What if I die here? Face wondered. Would they feel guilty, or would they just feel bad because they had to see someone they know die?

'Maybe I should just let it happen, just stop fighting and let go...'

He felt that he was being lifted and carried into a different room, the kitchen, where he was put down on the floor gently. His legs were lifted up, and he heard Murdock talking to someone. He was shivering, finding it difficult to breathe. He saw Frankie and
Murdock and a strange woman.

Murdock was leaving, he couldn't leave, he had to stay...Face reached out for Murdock, trying to stop him, but he could not speak. Murdock was gone. He had left him again.

The strange woman was still there, pressing towels against the wound. Face wished she'd stop, she was hurting him, and he didn't want any more pain.

Where were Hannibal and BA? Had they left him, as well?

Face decided not to fight the blackness any longer and welcomed the numbness which began to fill him.

When he regained consciousness, he noticed that he was all alone. Left for dead. With that thought, he lost consciousness once again.

He didn't notice that BA and Hannibal had arrived, nor did he notice that he was brought to hospital .

Face had slipped into a coma, and the doctors could do nothing to wake him.



"Mr. Jones, your son's condition is critical. We have done all we can to save his life, but the rest is up to him. He needs the will to survive. If he doesn't want to live..." the young doctor didn't finish her sentence. She had seen the look in Hannibal's eyes, and knew that he understood. He was pretending to be Face's father, and the rest of the team were his adopted brothers. They took turns sitting at his bed and talking to him, hoping that he would understand that they needed him, and that he would find the will
to survive.

Hannibal stared at the Lieutenant. He was pale and still between all the infusions and machines. Carefully, the Colonel smoothed Face's hair and took his hand.

"Hey, kid. I know it's been a rough time for you recently, and I am sorry I wasn't there for you. The team needs you, even if you don't realise it yourself. And I need you. Nothing can change that." He fell silent, not knowing what else to say. If Face died now,
he would not know what to do. Murdock was already blaming himself for what had happened, and they all had had to realise that they hadn't really been there for Face recently, although he clearly seemed sad and distant. "I have let him down," Hannibal thought, "after all those years, I have let down an important member of my team, and a friend." Maybe he had lost all that forever. "Go, on Lieutenant, fight!" he encouraged Face before he left the room.



BA Baracus sat down in a chair next to Face's bed. He felt helpless and angry, angry at himself. He should have noticed that something was wrong, but all he had cared about was Football. He didn't want to speak, because he didn't know how to put his feelings into words. He had always had great respect for Face's intellect, and his way with words. They were very different, and he didn't always find Face easy to deal with, but he liked him a lot. He hadn't been there to protect him this time, and if Face died, he could never forgive himself. All he could do was pray, and hold Face's hand, so that he felt that BA, his brother, hadn't left him.

When his time was up, he took off one of his thinnest, most delicate golden necklaces and carefully put it around Face's neck.


Murdock was crying now, and talking to his imaginary dog, Billy, who had reappeared very suddenly.

He felt responsible, because he had invited Face, and he had asked him for help.

Face had always been there for him, his best friend, the only person who seemed to understand him, or who at least tried.

Quietly, Murdock began to sing: "Ne me quitte pas, il faut oublier, tout peut s' oublier qui s' enfuit déjà, oublier ces heures qui tuaient à coups de pourquoi le coeur de bonheur, ne me quitte pas, ne me quitte pas, ne me quitte pas..." (Don't leave me, we have to forget, everything can be forgotten, things which are already disappearing, forget the times of misunderstandings and the lost time, knowing how to forget these hours which were sometimes killing the heart of happiness with blowing 'why's', don't leave me, don't leave me...By Jacques Brel)

If Face died, part of him would die with Face, he knew that. And although it was very tempting to return to his quiet, peaceful fantasy world, where he found comfort, he knew that he had to fight it, because he had to be there for his friend. When he left, he
kissed him on the forehead, and left Billy with him, to keep him warm.


Frankie Santana was very uncomfortable, standing at Face's bed. He felt sorry, and he didn't want Face to die, because he knew what he meant to the others. They would not want to continue without him. Maybe they wouldn't be able to carry on without him, either. He felt that he knew less about Face than about the others, because they rarely talked. Face hadn't spoken much recently, anyway. He hadn't been happy, Frankie understood that now.

"Hey, Face, I know we haven't been talking much, but I'll be your friend, if you want me to. The others are really worried about you, and so am I. I just remembered something I had to memorize some time, in school. Can't remember who wrote it, I am sure you'd know. You know a lot, man, you're really good. O.K, this is what I learned in school: 'There's night and day, brother, both sweet things; sun moon and stars, brother, all sweet things; there's likewise a wind on the heath. Life is very sweet, brother; who would wish to die?' (By George Borrow) See you later, Faceman."


The hours passed slowly, and each man was wrapped up in his own thoughts. They were sent home, for reasons of security. If they stayed, they might be seen by the wrong people. They were back in their house in Langley, having showers, getting changed and trying to eat. Only Murdock didn't do anything but sit on the couch, still in his waiter's outfit, humming to himself and talking to imaginary people and a plant he had found in Face's room.

When they returned to the hospital, they all sat around Face's bed, still lost in their own thoughts. A day passed, and there was no change. They tried to see the positive aspect: he was still alive.

Back home again, they all found it hard not to let their fear show. If Face didn't wake up soon, he might never wake up again.

No-one slept much. Suddenly, in the middle of the night, the phone rang, and Hannibal thought his heart would stop when he picked up the receiver. What if Face had died?

"Mr. Jones? Your son just woke up, and he wants to see you and his brothers. "

"We'll be right there."


Hannibal woke the others, and BA drove them to the hospital. Face was looking better, and there were less machines now. The colonel stepped closed to the bed, and touched Face's hand. The lieutenant opened his eyes slowly, and tried to smile. "Hannibal..." he whispered.

"I am here, and the others are here, as well. Don't try to talk, you need to rest."

Face nodded, and tried to speak, anyway: "...Just-just wanted to say thank you....I...heard..."

With that, he closed his eyes again, and fell asleep.


Numb by Black Fire