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Title: Murdock's Crazy Barmy Army come out to play

Murdock's Crazy Barmy Army Come Out To Play

by Cabaret


Rating: PG13

Disclaimer: Murdock's Crazy Barmy Army was recruited by Howlin' Mad Jipster. The army and all it's contents are owned by Murdock, who is owned by Stephen Cannell & Co. In other words, they ain't mine, I'm just a soldier following orders!

Thanks to: My Commander, Jips for the permission to document our Top secret missions.

Warnings: Nothing bad, some light cussing here and there. But in keeping with true MCBA tradition I'm documenting this as it happens so anything could! I'll give a new warning at each stage though, mostly just sillyness!

Requests: If anyone would like to through in any information that they feel may be of assistance, please mail me, although I will be watching out for properganda!

Summary: um, yeah.......... It's just one of our many missions documented

Comments: Loved and appreciated!




Howlinmad Jipster


Second In Command



In Charge of socks



In Charge of Captain Belly Buster Cap and Thurm's Claw

Captain Marina


In Charge of Making Sense

Annie B


In Charge of Punctuality/Timekeeping



In Charge of Capes and Masks

Emma Peel


In Charge of Marching Song



In Charge of Posters



In Charge of T-Shirts



In Charge of Sanity



In Charge of Entertainment



In Charge of Jacket



In Charge of Billy




MCBA Come Out To Play Part 1


"Danielle! Kathleen! Cabaret! Front and centre! C'mon c'mon Kathleen, put down

those crayons. Move it people!" Rosebud shouted through her ice cream cone

gathering the troops. The ice cream cone had been modified earlier by Annie B

who was in charge of making sense, thus she had concluded that a cone had the

effects of a megaphone when tilted 33 degrees into the wind. Which also

happened to be the MCBA frequency.


"Ten hut m'am, reporting for duty!" the three troops saluted and stood to

attention, after landing in a mishapen pile at Rosebud's feet due to a lack of

brakeage from their sprint.


"At ease ladies" Rosebud was about to start when she looked down. "Um Danielle?"


"Yes, m'am?" Danielle slowly met Rosebud's eyes.


"Why is Billy humping my leg?"


"Oh fu-u....uzy wuzy was a woman" Dannielle corrected, she ran forward and

clipped Billy onto his leash "Sorry m'am it's his, y'know time of the year,

poor boy's got hormones zinging all over the place." She climbed back into

ranks, her arm being tugged roughly by the invisible dog.


"Well perhaps standing at ease is a bad idea". The three troops clicked their

heels together. "Commander Jipster needs you three to round up the MCBA for a

meeting tomorrow, here at twenty hundred hours. Kathleen, mail a poster to

every member marked urgent. Danielle, get Billy to pick up their sent and track

them down. Cabaret, release the marching song, get singing and get them mobile.

You have you orders troops, get moving!" Rosebud saluted and dismissed her



"Oooo sounds like a mission to me." Danielle shouted back as she was pulled

down the hall at high speed.


"Where are the rest of the MCBA anyway?" Kathleen looked to Cabaret, Danielle

was far too busy with Billy for any sensible answer and she was probably out of

ear shot by now anyway.


"Most of 'em are still cleaning up the melted ice cream."


"Ice cream? Not the fleet of jets made from ice cream?" Cabaret grinned and

nodded eagerly. "I told you that wouldn't work."


"Wouldn't? whaddaya mean wouldn't? It still will, we'll get that dog to hunt.

Suzie's working on a new design that will include wafer wings."


"The test run was a complete flop though, or rather melt." Kathleen giggled as

the concept hit her.


"Yeah but what a ride, huh?" Cabaret said a little distant, remembering the

test run.


"Mmmm" Kathleen was in the same place as Cabaret "hey," she snapped out of it

"you tried adding more coolant? there's some spare frosting in the canteen, I'm

sure we could 'borrow' some, if you know what I mean?"


"Hey now that's a good idea," Cabaret turned and bowed "you'd, be a genius if

you were sane" she said in he best plummed English accent.


"Why thank-you old chap, with manners like that you'd bounce the walls to high



"Speaking of bouncing we better catch up with Danielle!" The two wondered off,

hands slung in their MCBA issue kakis to catch up with Danielle.



Kathleen settled cross legged on the floor of her room, crayons in hand she

began to create a print finish poster, no one ever knew quite how she did it,

the crayon would touch the paper and when it left the surface, a laminated

printed poster would be left. But as long as the system worked there was little

need to question it, everyone merely accepted the phenomenon that was

Kathleen's art work.


The Poster read in bold red letters:


'AAATTEEENNNNSSSHHHUUUNNNN!!!! All commando types being all they can be and a

few things they can't, report for urgent orders!'


There was possibly a note of overkilll in the heading, but Rosebud had sounded

like this was an important meeting and Kathleen wanted to get the message

across. She decorated the poster in glittery stars, shiny things always caught

their attention, then added the details of where when and what time in the

microscopic small print at the bottom. Finally, no poster would ever be

complete without a picture of the army's idol, the ultimate head and over all

leader, Captain Howlin' Mad Murdock. She studied the poster for a moment,

admiring her work, then carefully rolled it up and fed it through the taps in

her room's sink. She repeated this 13 times (then wondered why she had just

mailed a poster to herself, but didn't dwell on it). Every member had to have a

poster and the pluming express was the quickest means of delivery.


It's a simple concept really, Jenn had come up with it whilst distributing an

issue of target t-shirts. She had to wash them first and knowing how hygienic

the MCBA are a thought occurred to her. She quickly added some suction and

hydraulics and hey presto they had their own delivery system for anything that

could be rolled up and inserted into a tap. When an MCBA member turned said tap

on to brush said member's teeth, out would pop said rolled package; slightly

awash. However the system only worked if the tap was turned with the intention

of brushing teeth, which also made the system a good way to keep an eye on

dental hygiene. Jenn had run the idea through Jips who had quickly had the idea



Danielle whispered into Billy's ear his instructions, wrapped the leash firmly

around her arm, and in an instant they were off. Danielle's body was lifted by

Billy's speed as she flew through the air.


"Meeting-HQ-twenty-hundred-hours-tomorrow!" She yelled as they passed the

various members. She also yelled out other times and places, to confuse any

spies that might have been listening. This had a draw back of confusing the

MCBA as well, but she figured it was better then walking into an ambush.


Cabaret got the marching song, cradled it in her arms whispering puppy love

to it. She settled in HQ, sat to the side of the door (she had learnt not to

sit in front of it after finding herself at the bottom of an MCBA pile up after

the first meeting was called). She entered a telepathic trance and released the

marching song, sending it to the 13 other members.


"Murdock's got his little gang........


They go marching round the bend......


Murdock's got his little gang......


They go marching round the bend......."


She sent out the call through the night and all of the next day searching for a

reply, by half past seven the next evening Cabaret was beginning to get a sore

throat, but she had been given her order's and therefore could not stop.

Danielle was suffering to, she was becoming giddy from the G force as Billy had

been running in circles for nearly twenty four hours. Kathleen was having

problems too, as she contended with the flooding in her room, the draw back of

using the plumbing express. But all three continued with their mission



"Murdock's got his little gang........" Cabaret sang, forcing her voice


"We are his little gang" Jips replied


"They go marching round the bend" Cabaret asked suddenly revived.


"We go marching round the bend" a chorus of voices replied.


"One!" Jips shouted as she entered HQ


"Two!" Rosebud followed


"Three!" Cabaret shouted, voice renewed and hopping the rest would follow.


"Four!" Danielle crashed into the bunker.


"Five!" Kathleen followed dripping with water.


"Ten!" Fingers.


"Seven!" Captain Marina.


"Nine!" Annie B.


"Six!" Emma Peel.


"Four" Jenn.


"Five!" Georgia.


"Eight!" Niki.


"Six!" Susie, then an unplanned pause. Everyone looked around them and under



"Four!" A breathless Stompy burst in.


"Five, Eight!" They all barked in unison, finishing the song.


Jips made a note to herself to tell Stompy about these meetings earlier as she

was messing up the rhythm. Then a dilemma crossed her mind, Stompy was in

charge of punctuality and timekeeping so theoretically she was always on time

which meant the marching song was out of sync and needed a tune up, but if that

was the case, it wouldn't have got them all mobile. Jips decided there really

was no time to ride this particular train of thought just now, but she would

take it up later.


"Ten-shun! Officer in room" Rosebud announced.


"Pssst.... Psssst!!" Captain Marina waved Rosebud over to her and said out of

the corner of her mouth "on deck." She revealed Therm's claw to prove a watery



"Ok then, ten-shun officer on deck!" Rosebud corrected.


"Um, Rosebud?" Jips turned her back and motioned for Rosebud to join her.


"Yes m'am?"


"Ya know, you could have just used the ice-cream cone!"


"Yeah, but this was much more fun!"


"Fair enough and good point. But can we at least dry off Kathleen? and sort out

Danielle's hair?" A hot water bottle was slung at Kathleen and a hat to

Danielle. "That's better, now, dearly beloved we are gathered here

today............. Sorry, wrong channel! Ahem, Now then troops, um can someone

please wake up Cabaret?"


Cabaret was still singing in her telepathic state. Niki jumped up, winked at

Jips and began a tap dance in front of Cabaret, ending with a back flip.

Cheers went up from the MCBA, She snapped out of it and jumped to attention and

back in ranks.


"And you couldn't just give her a shake because?" Suzie asked, smoothing down

'the jacket' after it was crumpled during the leaps and cheers.


"Everyone knows a Cabaret always finishes to a standing ovation. It's really

the only way to stop her singing!" Georgia explained, being in charge of sanity

everyone accepted the meathond and noted it down for future use. (Long periods

of telepathic use left the MCBA member practically catatonic and in a very

vulnerable state, which is why they only really ever used this form of

communication in HQ, but it had been known to be used in the field).


"Can we get started now? At ease everyone." Jips commanded.


"I wouldn't say that if I were......" Rosebud warned, but it was too late,

Billy was all over Jips' leg.


"It never ends!" Jips said rolling her eyes. She gave Danielle her best stern

look, but it wasn't that stern on account of her attempt to stifle a giggle as

Billy's nose had dived into her pocket looking for a doggy treat.


After much cafufelling, the troops were all in line and settling into the

meeting. Jips checked the photograph of the clock on the wall, 20.20 it read.

She smiled, they were getting better and had managed to shave ten mins of their

usual buffer zone for meetings. What was even better was that she had managed

to hold their attention without having to call up Niki to entertain them during

their settling down period (this usually lead to a longer buffer zone). Well

everyone apart from Emma Peel who was eyeing up the curtains, (made from shampoo

foam) for a new cape and mask and Captain Marina who was whispering a joke

she'd heard from the Captain Belly Buster Cap to Therm's claw, which was making

Fingers giggle as he sock's strained to listen in. But, apart from that, they

were all alert, lean, mean and awaiting orders.


"Right troops" Jips was about to start when a thought occurred to her. "I must

say you're all looking very smart" she shuffled nervously, "anything I should



Everyone gave their best look of innocence as silence filled the room and a

tumble weed rolled up to Georgia and tapped her on the leg.


"Not now" Georgia hissed as the tumbleweed pawed at her leg.


"Come with me Rosebud" Jips and Rosebud walked over to Georgia and the

tumbleweed, Rosebud's eyes never leaving the ceiling.


"Any bells ringing?" Jips asked as she motioned to the tumbleweed who had began

to fidget.


"Every damn day m'am, I'll uh get my meds reviewed." The retort was instinctive,

but there was a line of truth in there, Rosebud was due a review. The troops

began giggling, but where quickly silenced by a sharp look from Rosebud, that

gave the game away, Jips knew Rosebud too well and knew when she was up to

something. Especially as everyone's face's had the picture of innocence grafted

upon them. She tried a different tactic.


"These one of the weeds you're training up Georgia?"


"Yes M'am."


"What does it want?"


"I think it needs the little seedlings room, m'am."


Time for a change of tactics, the more who were involved the more likely it was

for one to crack.


"Jenn care to translate?" Jenn was in charge of T-shirts, a form of visual

communication, they could clearly see the tumble weed so Georgia had asked her

if she could learn it's language, later she would teach the rest of the MCBA

who were already fluent in many forms of communication, (including D.U.C.K.

much to Master Mallard's dismay, but he had flown south for the winter and so

wasn't being a problem just now, but they did get a post card via the general

Murdockian population every now and again). The tumble weeds language was

actually an ancient northern dialect of welsh, which people had long since

stopped talking due to the choking effect the language required to be

pronounced properly, and so had resulted in far too many faintings.


Jenn strapped on an MCBA issue flight oxygen mask and began to converse

telepathically with the weed.


The plant began to get quite agitated, Rosebud moved in behind Jenn and squeezed

her arm, but the weed was past consoling.


"OK give" Jips commanded, getting tired of the guessing game.


"I think it's gonna do that anyway." Georgia said as she edged back.


"Yeah it's gonna do just that, there's too many of them you see." Jenn

confirmed as she joined Georgia.


"Too many of what?" Jips inquired as an uneasy tension filled the room.


"Damn it! Why now HM?" (Murdock was often referred to in a divine context) "Uh

you might wanna move back a bit there m'am" Rosebud said as she pulled Jips



The weed began spinning and convulsing like a thing quite possessed.


"Dare I ask?" Jips asked with an unusual calm


"No need! Duck 'n cover guys" Rosebud yelled as she dived under a table grabbing

Jips on the way down to safety.


Unable to take the pressure anymore the tumble weed finally released the things

that had made it so demented, a geezer of Armani socks showered around the

room, the socks then began a frenzied sweep of the room, bouncing like ping

pong balls off every surface, darting under jumpers and pulling the shocked

troops across the room, settling in pot purrei bowels then fighting over the

new found odors of spring, autumn and carnival breeze. This wild display of

pushing, pulling and ricocheting, made the socks that Fingers were in charge of

zoom across the room pulling her in kamikazi circles and settling on the light

bulb that hung high in the ceiling. The rest of the MCBA reacted quickly (after

the shock had sunk in), diving onto the Armani socks and stroking them in a

fashion they had seen Fingers do many times to sooth her own fleet of excitable



Jips stood up, when all the socks were accounted for.


"What a lovely lampshade you make Fingers!"


"Anything I can do to help m'am" Fingers saluted, slipped and quickly

reaffirmed her grip on the flex that held the light bulb. The weed bounced

cheerfully to a job well done and left the room. Georgia made a mental note

that more training was definitely needed.


"It was ah, supposed to be a surprise m'am" Rosebud said apologetically.


"Oh I wouldn't say you failed there" Rosebud relaxed a little, Jips didn't look

mad, perhaps she could avoid the solo raid on the BABAB's HQ (BAs Bad Ass

Babes) that Jips had once threatened her with.


"Well it was supposed to be a surprise for your birthday,"


"It was just a test run, the weed got carried away and overloaded itself," Jenn

chipped in, "I'd say a mark of good training" she added as she stroked the

three socks cradled in her arms.


"I note they're Armani socks......" Jips began.


"Temp issue" Rosebud confirmed.


"Awwww, you guys" Jips was touched, "We can't keep 'em though,"


"Oh! not even one, but they're so cute 'n fluffy" Captain Marina said as she

played patacake with a pair of socks.


"Yeah we could just say one got lost in the wash" Emma Peel added.


"We could train it as a double agent" Cabaret added to the addage.


"Yeah send it out on recon missions, find the Temps then blam! hit 'em with

what hurts when they're on a date!" Susie added more addage to the previous

addage, to form a plan with so much addage that it left the troops in adoration

of the plot that had long since been cast aside.


"Cold custard and green jelly?, or bannoffee pie with extra cream dyed red for

effect?" Annie B asked.


"Damn right!" Suzie confirmed with a yelp of triumph.


"Hold it guys!!!" Jips liked the idea but had to put the brakes on somewhere.

"It'll have to wait, we got a mission from the top folks."


An awe filled silence consumed the room, as Jips finally had their undivided







Murdock's Crazy Barmy Army Come Out To Play 1 by Cabaret
Murdock's Crazy Barmy Army Come Out To Play 2 by Cabaret



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