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Disclaimer: Murdock's Crazy Barmy Army was recruited by Howlin' Mad Jipster. The army and all it's contents are owned by Murdock, who is owned by Stephen Cannell & Co. In other words, they ain't mine, I'm just a soldier following orders!
Thanks to: My Commander, Jips for the permission to document our Top secret missions.
Warnings: Nothing bad, some light cussing here and there. But in keeping with true MCBA tradition I'm documenting this as it happens so anything could! I'll give a new warning at each stage though, mostly just sillyness!
Requests: If anyone would like to through in any information that they feel may be of assistance, please mail me, although I will be watching out for properganda!
Summary: um, yeah.......... It's just one of our many missions documented
Comments: Loved and appreciated!
Second In Command
In Charge of socks
In Charge of Captain Belly Buster Cap and Thurm's Claw
In Charge of Making Sense
In Charge of Punctuality/Timekeeping
In Charge of Capes and Masks
In Charge of Marching Song
In Charge of Posters
In Charge of T-Shirts
In Charge of Sanity
In Charge of Entertainment
In Charge of Jacket
In Charge of Billy
"Danielle! Kathleen! Cabaret! Front and centre! C'mon c'mon Kathleen, put down
those crayons. Move it people!" Rosebud shouted through her ice cream cone
gathering the troops. The ice cream cone had been modified earlier by Annie B
who was in charge of making sense, thus she had concluded that a cone had the
effects of a megaphone when tilted 33 degrees into the wind. Which also
happened to be the MCBA frequency.
"Ten hut m'am, reporting for duty!" the three troops saluted and stood to
attention, after landing in a mishapen pile at Rosebud's feet due to a lack of
brakeage from their sprint.
"At ease ladies" Rosebud was about to start when she looked down. "Um Danielle?"
"Yes, m'am?" Danielle slowly met Rosebud's eyes.
"Why is Billy humping my leg?"
"Oh fu-u....uzy wuzy was a woman" Dannielle corrected, she ran forward and
clipped Billy onto his leash "Sorry m'am it's his, y'know time of the year,
poor boy's got hormones zinging all over the place." She climbed back into
ranks, her arm being tugged roughly by the invisible dog.
"Well perhaps standing at ease is a bad idea". The three troops clicked their
heels together. "Commander Jipster needs you three to round up the MCBA for a
meeting tomorrow, here at twenty hundred hours. Kathleen, mail a poster to
every member marked urgent. Danielle, get Billy to pick up their sent and track
them down. Cabaret, release the marching song, get singing and get them mobile.
You have you orders troops, get moving!" Rosebud saluted and dismissed her
"Oooo sounds like a mission to me." Danielle shouted back as she was pulled
down the hall at high speed.
"Where are the rest of the MCBA anyway?" Kathleen looked to Cabaret, Danielle
was far too busy with Billy for any sensible answer and she was probably out of
ear shot by now anyway.
"Most of 'em are still cleaning up the melted ice cream."
"Ice cream? Not the fleet of jets made from ice cream?" Cabaret grinned and
nodded eagerly. "I told you that wouldn't work."
"Wouldn't? whaddaya mean wouldn't? It still will, we'll get that dog to hunt.
Suzie's working on a new design that will include wafer wings."
"The test run was a complete flop though, or rather melt." Kathleen giggled as
the concept hit her.
"Yeah but what a ride, huh?" Cabaret said a little distant, remembering the
"Mmmm" Kathleen was in the same place as Cabaret "hey," she snapped out of it
"you tried adding more coolant? there's some spare frosting in the canteen, I'm
sure we could 'borrow' some, if you know what I mean?"
"Hey now that's a good idea," Cabaret turned and bowed "you'd, be a genius if
you were sane" she said in he best plummed English accent.
"Why thank-you old chap, with manners like that you'd bounce the walls to high
"Speaking of bouncing we better catch up with Danielle!" The two wondered off,
hands slung in their MCBA issue kakis to catch up with Danielle.
Kathleen settled cross legged on the floor of her room, crayons in hand she
began to create a print finish poster, no one ever knew quite how she did it,
the crayon would touch the paper and when it left the surface, a laminated
printed poster would be left. But as long as the system worked there was little
need to question it, everyone merely accepted the phenomenon that was
Kathleen's art work.
The Poster read in bold red letters:
'AAATTEEENNNNSSSHHHUUUNNNN!!!! All commando types being all they can be and a
few things they can't, report for urgent orders!'
There was possibly a note of overkilll in the heading, but Rosebud had sounded
like this was an important meeting and Kathleen wanted to get the message
across. She decorated the poster in glittery stars, shiny things always caught
their attention, then added the details of where when and what time in the
microscopic small print at the bottom. Finally, no poster would ever be
complete without a picture of the army's idol, the ultimate head and over all
leader, Captain Howlin' Mad Murdock. She studied the poster for a moment,
admiring her work, then carefully rolled it up and fed it through the taps in
her room's sink. She repeated this 13 times (then wondered why she had just
mailed a poster to herself, but didn't dwell on it). Every member had to have a
poster and the pluming express was the quickest means of delivery.
It's a simple concept really, Jenn had come up with it whilst distributing an
issue of target t-shirts. She had to wash them first and knowing how hygienic
the MCBA are a thought occurred to her. She quickly added some suction and
hydraulics and hey presto they had their own delivery system for anything that
could be rolled up and inserted into a tap. When an MCBA member turned said tap
on to brush said member's teeth, out would pop said rolled package; slightly
awash. However the system only worked if the tap was turned with the intention
of brushing teeth, which also made the system a good way to keep an eye on
dental hygiene. Jenn had run the idea through Jips who had quickly had the idea
Danielle whispered into Billy's ear his instructions, wrapped the leash firmly
around her arm, and in an instant they were off. Danielle's body was lifted by
Billy's speed as she flew through the air.
"Meeting-HQ-twenty-hundred-hours-tomorrow!" She yelled as they passed the
various members. She also yelled out other times and places, to confuse any
spies that might have been listening. This had a draw back of confusing the
MCBA as well, but she figured it was better then walking into an ambush.
Cabaret got the marching song, cradled it in her arms whispering puppy love
to it. She settled in HQ, sat to the side of the door (she had learnt not to
sit in front of it after finding herself at the bottom of an MCBA pile up after
the first meeting was called). She entered a telepathic trance and released the
marching song, sending it to the 13 other members.
"Murdock's got his little gang........
They go marching round the bend......
Murdock's got his little gang......
They go marching round the bend......."
She sent out the call through the night and all of the next day searching for a
reply, by half past seven the next evening Cabaret was beginning to get a sore
throat, but she had been given her order's and therefore could not stop.
Danielle was suffering to, she was becoming giddy from the G force as Billy had
been running in circles for nearly twenty four hours. Kathleen was having
problems too, as she contended with the flooding in her room, the draw back of
using the plumbing express. But all three continued with their mission
"Murdock's got his little gang........" Cabaret sang, forcing her voice
"We are his little gang" Jips replied
"They go marching round the bend" Cabaret asked suddenly revived.
"We go marching round the bend" a chorus of voices replied.
"One!" Jips shouted as she entered HQ
"Two!" Rosebud followed
"Three!" Cabaret shouted, voice renewed and hopping the rest would follow.
"Four!" Danielle crashed into the bunker.
"Five!" Kathleen followed dripping with water.
"Seven!" Captain Marina.
"Nine!" Annie B.
"Six!" Emma Peel.
"Six!" Susie, then an unplanned pause. Everyone looked around them and under
"Four!" A breathless Stompy burst in.
"Five, Eight!" They all barked in unison, finishing the song.
Jips made a note to herself to tell Stompy about these meetings earlier as she
was messing up the rhythm. Then a dilemma crossed her mind, Stompy was in
charge of punctuality and timekeeping so theoretically she was always on time
which meant the marching song was out of sync and needed a tune up, but if that
was the case, it wouldn't have got them all mobile. Jips decided there really
was no time to ride this particular train of thought just now, but she would
take it up later.
"Ten-shun! Officer in room" Rosebud announced.
"Pssst.... Psssst!!" Captain Marina waved Rosebud over to her and said out of
the corner of her mouth "on deck." She revealed Therm's claw to prove a watery
"Ok then, ten-shun officer on deck!" Rosebud corrected.
"Um, Rosebud?" Jips turned her back and motioned for Rosebud to join her.
"Ya know, you could have just used the ice-cream cone!"
"Yeah, but this was much more fun!"
"Fair enough and good point. But can we at least dry off Kathleen? and sort out
Danielle's hair?" A hot water bottle was slung at Kathleen and a hat to
Danielle. "That's better, now, dearly beloved we are gathered here
today............. Sorry, wrong channel! Ahem, Now then troops, um can someone
please wake up Cabaret?"
Cabaret was still singing in her telepathic state. Niki jumped up, winked at
Jips and began a tap dance in front of Cabaret, ending with a back flip.
Cheers went up from the MCBA, She snapped out of it and jumped to attention and
back in ranks.
"And you couldn't just give her a shake because?" Suzie asked, smoothing down
'the jacket' after it was crumpled during the leaps and cheers.
"Everyone knows a Cabaret always finishes to a standing ovation. It's really
the only way to stop her singing!" Georgia explained, being in charge of sanity
everyone accepted the meathond and noted it down for future use. (Long periods
of telepathic use left the MCBA member practically catatonic and in a very
vulnerable state, which is why they only really ever used this form of
communication in HQ, but it had been known to be used in the field).
"Can we get started now? At ease everyone." Jips commanded.
"I wouldn't say that if I were......" Rosebud warned, but it was too late,
Billy was all over Jips' leg.
"It never ends!" Jips said rolling her eyes. She gave Danielle her best stern
look, but it wasn't that stern on account of her attempt to stifle a giggle as
Billy's nose had dived into her pocket looking for a doggy treat.
After much cafufelling, the troops were all in line and settling into the
meeting. Jips checked the photograph of the clock on the wall, 20.20 it read.
She smiled, they were getting better and had managed to shave ten mins of their
usual buffer zone for meetings. What was even better was that she had managed
to hold their attention without having to call up Niki to entertain them during
their settling down period (this usually lead to a longer buffer zone). Well
everyone apart from Emma Peel who was eyeing up the curtains, (made from shampoo
foam) for a new cape and mask and Captain Marina who was whispering a joke
she'd heard from the Captain Belly Buster Cap to Therm's claw, which was making
Fingers giggle as he sock's strained to listen in. But, apart from that, they
were all alert, lean, mean and awaiting orders.
"Right troops" Jips was about to start when a thought occurred to her. "I must
say you're all looking very smart" she shuffled nervously, "anything I should
Everyone gave their best look of innocence as silence filled the room and a
tumble weed rolled up to Georgia and tapped her on the leg.
"Not now" Georgia hissed as the tumbleweed pawed at her leg.
"Come with me Rosebud" Jips and Rosebud walked over to Georgia and the
tumbleweed, Rosebud's eyes never leaving the ceiling.
"Any bells ringing?" Jips asked as she motioned to the tumbleweed who had began
"Every damn day m'am, I'll uh get my meds reviewed." The retort was instinctive,
but there was a line of truth in there, Rosebud was due a review. The troops
began giggling, but where quickly silenced by a sharp look from Rosebud, that
gave the game away, Jips knew Rosebud too well and knew when she was up to
something. Especially as everyone's face's had the picture of innocence grafted
upon them. She tried a different tactic.
"These one of the weeds you're training up Georgia?"
"What does it want?"
"I think it needs the little seedlings room, m'am."
Time for a change of tactics, the more who were involved the more likely it was
for one to crack.
"Jenn care to translate?" Jenn was in charge of T-shirts, a form of visual
communication, they could clearly see the tumble weed so Georgia had asked her
if she could learn it's language, later she would teach the rest of the MCBA
who were already fluent in many forms of communication, (including D.U.C.K.
much to Master Mallard's dismay, but he had flown south for the winter and so
wasn't being a problem just now, but they did get a post card via the general
Murdockian population every now and again). The tumble weeds language was
actually an ancient northern dialect of welsh, which people had long since
stopped talking due to the choking effect the language required to be
pronounced properly, and so had resulted in far too many faintings.
Jenn strapped on an MCBA issue flight oxygen mask and began to converse
telepathically with the weed.
The plant began to get quite agitated, Rosebud moved in behind Jenn and squeezed
her arm, but the weed was past consoling.
"OK give" Jips commanded, getting tired of the guessing game.
"I think it's gonna do that anyway." Georgia said as she edged back.
"Yeah it's gonna do just that, there's too many of them you see." Jenn
confirmed as she joined Georgia.
"Too many of what?" Jips inquired as an uneasy tension filled the room.
"Damn it! Why now HM?" (Murdock was often referred to in a divine context) "Uh
you might wanna move back a bit there m'am" Rosebud said as she pulled Jips
The weed began spinning and convulsing like a thing quite possessed.
"Dare I ask?" Jips asked with an unusual calm
"No need! Duck 'n cover guys" Rosebud yelled as she dived under a table grabbing
Jips on the way down to safety.
Unable to take the pressure anymore the tumble weed finally released the things
that had made it so demented, a geezer of Armani socks showered around the
room, the socks then began a frenzied sweep of the room, bouncing like ping
pong balls off every surface, darting under jumpers and pulling the shocked
troops across the room, settling in pot purrei bowels then fighting over the
new found odors of spring, autumn and carnival breeze. This wild display of
pushing, pulling and ricocheting, made the socks that Fingers were in charge of
zoom across the room pulling her in kamikazi circles and settling on the light
bulb that hung high in the ceiling. The rest of the MCBA reacted quickly (after
the shock had sunk in), diving onto the Armani socks and stroking them in a
fashion they had seen Fingers do many times to sooth her own fleet of excitable
Jips stood up, when all the socks were accounted for.
"What a lovely lampshade you make Fingers!"
"Anything I can do to help m'am" Fingers saluted, slipped and quickly
reaffirmed her grip on the flex that held the light bulb. The weed bounced
cheerfully to a job well done and left the room. Georgia made a mental note
that more training was definitely needed.
"It was ah, supposed to be a surprise m'am" Rosebud said apologetically.
"Oh I wouldn't say you failed there" Rosebud relaxed a little, Jips didn't look
mad, perhaps she could avoid the solo raid on the BABAB's HQ (BAs Bad Ass
Babes) that Jips had once threatened her with.
"Well it was supposed to be a surprise for your birthday,"
"It was just a test run, the weed got carried away and overloaded itself," Jenn
chipped in, "I'd say a mark of good training" she added as she stroked the
three socks cradled in her arms.
"I note they're Armani socks......" Jips began.
"Temp issue" Rosebud confirmed.
"Awwww, you guys" Jips was touched, "We can't keep 'em though,"
"Oh! not even one, but they're so cute 'n fluffy" Captain Marina said as she
played patacake with a pair of socks.
"Yeah we could just say one got lost in the wash" Emma Peel added.
"We could train it as a double agent" Cabaret added to the addage.
"Yeah send it out on recon missions, find the Temps then blam! hit 'em with
what hurts when they're on a date!" Susie added more addage to the previous
addage, to form a plan with so much addage that it left the troops in adoration
of the plot that had long since been cast aside.
"Cold custard and green jelly?, or bannoffee pie with extra cream dyed red for
effect?" Annie B asked.
"Damn right!" Suzie confirmed with a yelp of triumph.
"Hold it guys!!!" Jips liked the idea but had to put the brakes on somewhere.
"It'll have to wait, we got a mission from the top folks."
An awe filled silence consumed the room, as Jips finally had their undivided
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