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This page last viewed: 2017-10-17 and has been viewed 1677 times
Rating: PG, (slash)
Disclaimer: A-Team owned by Stephen J. Cannell
Comments: Please I thrive on constructive criticism.
Author's note: Okay well this is a F/M fic written in the first person which is something I've never tried. It was kind of inspired by a song called Getting away with it <hence the title>
The wind courses through my hair and I relish the feel, increasing speed, savouring how the Vette hugs the bend. I had to get away, needed to think, clear my head. The speed is like a drug, like a fine wine or a beautiful woman. I can't live without them no matter how hard I try. Take my corvette, that car its like a beautiful woman you've gotta know how to treat her, you know what I'm saying. One wrong move and you'll crash and burn. The vette's engine purrs smooth as silk, just had her fine tuned so you'd think I'd be happy. Least you would if you thought I'm as shallow as I look. The expensive suits, the flash car, Templeton, just who you trying to impress? Nobody I guess, certainly not him. Foot's to the floor now the winds roaring through my ears, there's an articulate, coming the other way; good let it come. He's honking his horn waving frantically at me to get the hell out of his way; Finally I swerve coming to a grinding halt in a ditch. Leaning my head back against the seat I close my eyes. `Don't know why you're so surprised lieutenant, did you really think you'd actually get away with it. Instant karma, what goes around comes around.' The Vette refuses to start, seems she wasn't too impressed by the way I treated her. I laugh bitterly at that, jeez, is anybody? Not that it matters anyhow
nothing matters anymore. I step out of the Vette just as the heavens decide to open, great, just great.
And now I'm walking, moving one foot in front of the other, not caring where I'm going. I just know that I have to get away. The rains lashing down and I'm soaked through to the skin. Another Italian silk shirt's ruined plastered to my body. Suppose I should care. I blink the water out of my eyes. Funny how the weather tends to match your mood isn't it? Hell let it rain, if it means I don't feel anymore, bring it on. Cold so cold, I stumble in the dirt, pick myself up and force my legs to keep moving. I guess you must be wondering what brought me to this point in time? Who could have hurt you so much? Is that what you're thinking? Well let me tell you it's no more than I deserve. I've been scamming him for years, made him believe I didn't care, and I got away with it. But you see the jokes on me, seems I cared too much.
I'm not sure when things changed, guess maybe it was when Murdock took the bullet that was meant for Hannibal and I almost lost him. That made me re-evaluate everything I considered important in my life. But I'm such a coward I still couldn't be honest with him. I never expected to fall in love, didn't think I was ever capable of it, not after Leslie. Not after she ripped out my heart. But somehow you managed to wheedle your way through my defenses. Your warm brown eyes, your craziness, your innocence, your compassion they all got to me. One night after a particularly bad nightmare, you held me, protected me. I wanted to tell you, but then you kissed me. Before I knew it we were ripping each other's clothes off. Afterwards I finally thought I knew true happiness. But then you laid down a few ground rules. Seems my reputation goes before me.
"No commitments Face, I don't want a relationship, I won't tie you down, there's no point sooner or later you'd stray. I can't risk giving you something that I can't afford to lose. You're a free agent Faceman, if you ever need me you know where I'll be."
So there it was folks, once again I'd ruined everything, the man I loved couldn't trust me with his heart, I can't say I blame him. I mean look at my track record. What was it the church called it Original Sin? Hell there was nothing original about it. I'd been doing it my whole life, and getting away with it too. But when I was with you I didn't think any of it mattered because they never meant anything to me. I love you Murdock, and if I thought for one second you'd believe me I'd tell you straight. But it's becoming crystal
clear to me you don't love me, you can't. What's there to love? I look in the mirror sometimes and I don't recognise the face that stares back. I feel cheap, worthless. I'm a whore, bed anything pretty young thing in a skirt. But somehow I always come back to you.
Comfortably numb I stand outside your apartment building. The rain continues to fall but I no longer feel it, don't feel anything. I've come full circle now I'm arguing with myself shouting out loud.
"You can't keep running back to him, you're just using him, you're being selfish."
"I'm not using him, I need him can't you see that, without him I'm nothing."
"Then isn't about time you stopped feeling sorry for yourself and told him?"
"Look stop pushing me, I'm here aren't I?"
"Oh stop whining, no wonder he doesn't love you."
"Shut up, just shut up."
"What's the matter lieutenant, can't handle a few home truths?"
"I said shut up, I'm going ok I'm going."
I knock quietly on your door, wondering if your home. It slides open slowly and you're standing there. You stare open mouthed at the broken figure before you.
"Jeezus Face, what the hell happened to ya, muchacho?" Your eyes are questioning.
Exhausted my legs suddenly give way and I'm falling. Your eyes fill with concern as you reach out and catch me. You carry me inside and close the door. Realizing how cold and wet I am you quickly remove my clothing rubbing me down with a warm soft towel. Then you dry my hair running your fingers through it. It feels so good. I never want to leave. Your arms surround me and I feel protected, loved.
"Tell me how you got like this Facey?" Murdock softly repeats his question.
I can't lie to him anymore. So I tell him.
"I kinda drove the Vette into a ditch, it wouldn't start so I got out and walked. Wouldn't ya know it that's when it decided to rain," I replied. There I go again using humour in an awkward situation, why can't I be straight with you?
Murdock's arms grew tighter around me, drawing me in. It's almost as if he senses there's more, but then why wouldn't he? I sometimes feel like he knows me better than I know myself. He kisses the back of my neck and I can't suppress the moan of pleasure. I turn towards him and our lips meet in a chaste caress. I break away knowing I have to tell him everything. But I'm so ashamed of my actions I can't meet his gaze.
"I tried to kill myself today, that's how the Vette ended up in a ditch, I wasn't thinking straight, I'm sorry."
Murdock's fingers lift my chin and we finally make eye contact. I see the pain behind his eyes, pain I caused.
"Why the hell did ya wanna go and do a thing like that?" Was all he said hurt evident in his voice.
"I didn't think you cared, I mean c'mon Murdock, it's not like you love me," I found myself whispering then instantly regretting each word.
"You're right Face, I don't love you. Love ain't a strong enough word. Don't think there's a word in the dictionary that can describe the way I feel bout you. But it's pointless and we both know it." Murdock stated firmly.
"Why won't you give us a chance Murdock, I love you, I always have, the women they meant nothing, they never have. You're the one I want to spend my life with, it's not worth living without you in it." I find myself yelling at him hitting balled fists on his chest.
"Don't shut me out, I love you, I love you." Finally I break down, lose control. I find it so hard to deal with my emotions. I'm ashamed to cry, especially in front of you. I can't let you see how weak I am.
I feel the gentle rocking motion as you soothe me in your strong embrace. Sobs wrack my body and I pray you'll never let me go.
"S'okay Facey, I'm here, don't cry, everythin' gonna be okay."
Then barely above a whisper I hear, "I love you."
Now I know it's safe to feel again.
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