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This page last viewed: 2017-12-09 and has been viewed 2308 times

If Only Tears Could Bring You Back

If Only Tears Could Bring You Back
by Bobbie Decker

Rating: NC-17

Warnings: Angst, Main character death, suicide, violence, and mention of a m/m relationship.

Summary: Hannibal's point of view.



I look out over the field of stone, drowning out the priest's words as they lower the coffin into the ground.


Your coffin.


The questions swirl themselves around in my mind as my broken spirit cries out in regret.


How could I have let my guard down?


Why wasn't I paying attention to our surroundings?


Why didn't I listen to you?


You warned me about what could go wrong.


You even protested about going on this job but I didn't listen.


I never listened to your warnings and now I'll never hear your voice again.


I turn my head to look over at B.A..


He's shaking his head and quietly cursing himself for your death.


It wasn't his fault. I know that it was mine.


Then I glance at Murdock.


He's hugging himself and fighting tears as he mutters to his invisible dog. Murdock looks at me for a few minutes before staring off into the sky.


Amy comes to me and asks how I'm doing.


I push her away and concentrate on the coffin as it disappears into the earth.


Hot tears sting my eyes as I brush them away with my hand.


Soldiers aren't supposed to cry. But I'm also a man who had just lost someone he loved.


An emptiness like I've never known before settles into my stomach and I recall our conversation the night before you died.


We were laying in our bed and I was drifting off to sleep when you asked me if we could talk.


I can still hear your voice as if you're standing by my side right now.


You turned to face me and, locking those blue eyes with mine, said as I listened, "No matter how this job turns out. No matter what happens tomorrow, Hannibal, I will always love you and be in your heart."


I just laughed and kissed you good night. But you were saying good bye to me.


I realize that now. You knew that that was going to be our last night together and you told me good bye.


We even joked about it that morning. I told you that you would out live me.


You just smiled and looked at me with love in your eyes.


I didn't want to believe you when you told me that you weren't going to grow old with me.


I was wrong and now you're dead.


Dead because of my carelessness.


I shouldn't have looked away.


B.A. turns the portable stereo on and a fitting tune plays.


The words hit me like a punch to my gut and I try to shut them out but can't.


"If only tears could bring you back to me

If only love would find a way

What I would do

What I would give if you'd....return to me someday



If my tears could bring you me."


When we were in Vietnam, I told you that I'd always protect you from harm.


I not only failed you but the Team as well.


The guy drew a gun and you shouted my name before diving in front of the barrel and taking the bullet.


That bullet was meant for me.


I was distracted and you took a bullet meant for me.


The doctor that treated you in the hospital told me that you called my name before your heart stopped beating.


I couldn't believe him. I didn't want to believe him.


So I just glared at him and said that you weren't dead. You couldn't be dead. Not you.


My heart broke when they showed us your corpse. My mind reeled at the sight of your body laying on the exam table. That was the day my soul died.


It took four orderlies, plus B.A. and Murdock, to prevent me from breaking that doctor's neck.


My mind draws my attention back to the service. The priest throws dirt on your coffin and walks away. I stand there as my mind shuts down.


B.A. pulls me towards the van. I don't remember going home or being brought inside.


I barely hear Amy's voice telling me to go lie down and rest while they fixed me something to eat.


I wandered into our bedroom and collapse onto the bed. Your scent is still strong on the pillow and I bury my face into it.


The tears fall and I make no attempt to stop them from falling.


You're dead and it's my fault. I was supposed to protect you and I failed.


I'm so tired. I have been for days. I haven't slept the since the day you died crying my name.


I know that I need to rest. To conserve my strength. But you were my strength and now you're gone.


My hand reaches for the gun that's on the nightstand. It bumps into your picture as I bring over.


I hold the picture close to my heart as my fingers trace your face one last time before I put the barrel to my head.


I take the time to turn my radio on and raise the volume high enough to cover the sound of the gun shot.


After saying a short prayer to God for my soul, I pull the trigger and lose consciousness instantly.


When my eyes open, I see you standing by me with your arms open wide and I don't hesitate to dive into them.


Your embrace is so comforting that we don't notice Murdock come in and discover my body. He feels for a pulse and, shaking his head, pulled the blanket over me before calling for B.A..


We know that B.A., Amy, and Murdock will miss us but they'll move on.


As you kiss me, you look into my eyes and say, "I have you know my love. We'll be together for all eternity."


I just nod my head and run my fingers through your blond hair as you continue to hold me.


I have my soul mate back. I will have my life's love for all time.


As B.A. comes in, we turn our attention towards them for a few minutes before walking for the window.


I look at you and say as you kiss me again, "I love you Templeton Peck."


You smile warmly and we disappear for a better place.


As we fade with the light, you hug me again and say, "I love you too. For now and forever."


I've never been so happy in my life. We're together again and that's all that matters.


Forever and then some.



The End.


If Only Tears Could Bring You Back by Bobbie Decker



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