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My Plea for Help

Letter to the A-team
by Kazangus

Tongue firmly in cheek, here is my response to H.O.W.ing Mad's challenge to write the A-team a letter
describing my plight and begging for help.  I hope you can see how serious my situation is...  Please be
gentle with me, I've only written tech manuals in the last 10 years :)
 
Rated G.

My Plea for Help.

 

Dear A-Team,

You must help me. I’m running out of time before I become as insane as Murdock.

I’m currently being held captive by an insidious cult that poses as a printing company in Nebraska. The cult worships UNIX as an incarnation of Vishnu. I need not go into the horrors of their sacrifices. My major torturer is the head priest who calls himself THE SYSTOP.

My cell is located in the bowels of the computer room, where I’m forced to write Visual Basic code 10 hours a day 6 days a week. As you’all probably know, subjecting prisoners to VBA is against the Geneva Convention, Section IXXV, paragraph 18(d). In addition to this ghastly form of abuse, they recently began a campaign to break my spirit. In an effort to control my mind, they have painted all of the walls institutional grey. They locked my color scheme down to Microsoft Standard Colors and deleted my A-Team screen saver! I managed to save the CD player by copying it off onto disk and taping it to the underside of a desk drawer. Now, the only contact that I have with the outside world is through closely monitored e-mail.

My only ally is my trusted Beanie companion, Flipper the Frog. Although I’m beginning to believe that he has betrayed me and now takes secret photographs of my subversive activities and gives them to my captors.

Although I’m unable to pay you, I have skills that I can trade that may be of use to you. I am able to crack passwords, enter computer systems through their e-mail, and slip over any firewall put in front of me. I can also gather intelligence electronically by accessing secret government documents and satellite surveilance.

If you can’t spare anyone else, please send Murdock. He would easily fit in to this madhouse and could whisk me away with little trouble.

I must go now. The Frog ratted me out.

Help Please!

Kazangus

 


Letter to the A-team by Kazangus