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The First Time The First Time

By emmastark

 

Rated: NC-17 SLASH, references to both consensual and non-consensual sex between men, references to torture, set during the war.

WARNING!: This is rated NC-17 for references to both consensual and non-consensual sex between men and references to torture during the Vietnam war. It is pretty dark -- keep this in mind before you decide to read it.

Comments: Please

Summary: In the prison camp, a guard decides to play with Hannibal a little before he gives Face back.

The First Time

He was smiling when they brought him back. But there was something plastic about the smile. He hung from their arms, knees bent, feet dragging through the red earth. Blood and dirt tracked his face and chest and arms and some of the blood was dark and some of the blood was bright and new. Some of the blood trailed down his arm in aimless rivulets.

They drug him to the door of the cage, but they didn’t open the cage door. They didn’t throw him in. They waited, his body hanging there between him with that plastic smile painted on. One was bored and tired, but the other had a smile on, too.

Murdock held onto the bamboo bars of their cage with both hands, let his fingers bite into the damp wood, let his eyes lose focus just a little in the mist of the early morning.

[don’t be the first you can’t be the first to go to him let BA let Hannibal oh God baby what have they done to you what have they done don’t be the first you can’t be the]

There was no standing. The cages were built for animals, not men. Everything was built to take away your dignity, here. Hannibal drew himself to attention, and if he was on his knees, it was not to them.

[straight, goddamn it, stand straight if you can’t stand straight kneel straight look them in the eye look them in the eye every goddamn time what have they done to you kid golden boy how come that smile hold their eyes goddamn it they want to play you can play you’re gonna win too you’re gonna win fucking commanding officer in this hell hole you take care of these boys you take care of these boys make ‘em give the kid back oh god they want to play]

BA moved so he covered Hannibal’s back. He moved so he was between Murdock and the door to the cage. He moved so he was closer to Faceman. Drops of water gathered on the bars on the top of the cage and fell onto his skin. It was very cold. It would be very hot during the day, but the nights were cold.

[there don’t do nuthin’ don’t gotta do nuthin’ but be there hold his shoulder now, steady, he expec’ that keep it steady keep it steady Fool need steady now where your eyes, Faceman you smilin’ but where your eyes cain’t help if you don’ look at me hang on, Fool we get him in here Hann’bal get him in here then we be okay it’ll be okay look at me Faceman where your eyes steady now steady where your]

The one with the odd smile grabbed Face’s hair, showing him to Hannibal, presenting him. Tilting his head back and forth so Hannibal could get a good look.

"This your garbage, you American? This your garbage?" The sing song voice sounded very loud in the early morning stillness.

Hannibal could feel the men in the other cages holding their breaths, trying not to joggle his elbow. He felt BA at his shoulder, silent, but there.

"That’s my man," he said evenly.

[mine goddamn it give him back haven’t you done enough hold on, kid hold on I’m not gonna lose you I’m not gonna lose you don’t look at him, look at them look at them, hold their eyes don’t blink make ‘em give him back]

"Not your garbage? This not your garbage?"

Murdock looked at Face. He wore an incongruous, stiff smile, as if he were about to sell all the residents of Camp 213 stock in a lovely golden bridge in San Francisco. The man still held him up by his hair, and there was a bone-whiteness to the skin around his eyes, the skin on his neck. Deep white.

[love you baby hold on just another minute hold on why you lookin’ that way what’d they do to you now baby oh god I want to take you away from this shit look at me look in my eyes love I’ll take you away with my eyes I’ll take us both far away where nobody can hurt you why won’t they leave us alone goddamn it Hannibal get him in here can’t you see there’s something wrong]

"That’s my man," Hannibal repeated. He kept his voice steady and strong. He could hear Face breathing, but he didn’t look at him. He looked at the man who held him. A bird sang sweetly in the green behind. He could smell his own stale sweat, but had to hold himself against the cold. He looked into the man’s eyes.

[kill you you bastard what have you done to him look him in the eye now, damn it keep it together control the situation don’t let it control you you know better, Colonel that’s right don’t let him see you sweat don’t give anything away oh, kid you better be all right I lost too much already I can’t lose you look him in the eye, now control the situation hang on, kid]

"This not your garbage? This not your garbage, we take away. You no want somebody else garbage. This not your garbage, we take away."

They started dragging Face away, down toward the field. Down toward the lower field.

BA caught his breath. He pressed one fist into the side of his mouth and pressed the ragged nails into his skin until he tasted blood. He kept silent.

[die cain’t die cain’t die leave ‘im alone goddamn it bring ‘im back bring ‘im back don’t take ‘im down there wi’ the dead people oh God who are in Heaven bring ‘im back to us Hann’bal don’ let ‘em do it God Mama pray I got no other brothers but you Hann’bal he cain’t die don’ let]

"Wait."

The men didn’t stop. Face’s bare feet made narrow, uneven trails in the red dirt.

"Please," Hannibal said. He shoved the words through tight, angry lips.

The men paused. There was blood on the back between them. It had dripped all the way down the back to the knees. But Hannibal didn’t look at that. He saw but he didn’t let himself look at that.

The men didn’t turn around. That was part of the game.

The camp was very still. The men in the other cages didn’t breathe.

"This your garbage? You American? This your garbage?"

Hannibal swallowed.

[words only words pay for him with a few words if you get him back you win and you will get him back you’re not letting go of them they depend on you they’re your boys you take care of them goddamn it they’re your (garbage) no no no my sweet boys why the hell do you have to hurt them why the fuck won’t you take me you bastards take me leave my boys alone give him back I’ll do anything I’ll do]

"That is my garbage."

The man laughed. They drug Face back over to the door of the cage.

Hannibal and BA and Murdock moved to the back of the cage. That was procedure. They moved to the back of the cage.

The men unlocked the padlock. The rust from the padlock left red traces on their hands. The men threw Face into the cell. The men walked away. The men laughed as they walked away.

Murdock held onto the bamboo bars of their cage. They were slippery beneath his hands.

[never be first he told me never be first to go to him and he won’t go to me first if they find out they’ll hurt us what could be worse than this if they find out they’ll hurt us you know I love you he said we just can’t let them see it it will be our secret, baby, our sweet secret love he said never be first to go to him]

The camp was very still. Hannibal could hear a bird somewhere in the green behind them. The sun was about to rise. Hannibal could hear Face’s hands moving in the red earth as he pushed himself up.

[have they done to you, kid what have I done to you how could I let this happen how could I let these bastards take us I let these bastards take us and still they look to me still they ask me what’s next, Colonel they lean on me I don’t have anything left I don’t know what to do do it anyway, goddamn it what are you a coward they depend on you so you be there find it I don’t care where you find it but find it that which does not kill you makes you stronger I don’t feel very strong now, Poppa keep it together they need you and you will be there for them you will be everything for them they are your boys they are your]

BA moved over toward Face and reached out his hand. Face lifted one hand in front of him defensively, awkwardly. Face pushed back against the door of the cage. There was a whiteness around his eyes and lips. He was smiling a plastic smile. BA paused. He knelt near Face and looked at him, but didn’t go any closer.

[bird you look like some trembly little bird Faceman why you smilin’ like that you shakin’ why won’ you let me come close hold onto ya you all white an’ trembly like a little bird what they do to ya, Facey little brother look at me now why won’t you OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD (you imagine it cain’t be that no no cain’t be) OH GOD OH (no no no they couldn’t) hold on, little brother hold]

Face looked up as Hannibal approached. He wore the plastic smile, but there was something wrong about his eyes, like he couldn’t quite bend them right. He put one hand up in front of him defensively, but when it shook he put it down. He drew his knees up in front of him a little, but it seemed to hurt him so he put them down.

"The Colonel’s garbage, reporting for duty, Sir!"

Hannibal stopped. The voice was hoarse and cocky (smart ass kid), but it was brittle, too, and that was different. Brittle, like trees in an ice storm. Heavy and cold and almost breaking. Hannibal stopped.

[they did it, didn’t they kid did I ever tell you I had a baby boy a little golden baby boy I was fifteen years old and we had done everything wrong and there was this little golden baby boy and he only lived long enough for me to hold him in my arms for a moment and then he stopped breathing we were going to name him John we can get through this, kid we can get through this just hold on okay just hold on I’m not going to let them take you away from me I’m not going to let you go I’m never going to let you go so you just fight it, okay you just fight it you are mine and I’m never going to let you go this is a terrible thing but push it away let us hold you let me hold you in my arms for a moment how could I let them hurt you this way how could I let this]

Murdock crawled across the red earth floor of the cage, over the damp bamboo bars that made up the floor and the ceiling and the walls of their cage. He did not look and he did not stop. Face put up his hand, defensively, but Murdock pushed past it. Murdock wrapped himself around Face, wrapped his arms and legs around him. He wrapped himself around the copper smell of blood and the dank, musty smell of semen and the salty heaviness of sweat. He wrapped himself around the limbs that struggled and he held on to the slippery cold skin.

[love you more I love you more than any of this can matter, baby I love you more I’ve got you now I’ve got you (it took everything I had before, to make you believe in love) I love you, baby I love you so much there is no stop to my loving you it is deeper than anything else I have in me I love you (believe me, baby, believe in my love believe in my love for you) you hold on now hold on to me I’m not going to let you go I will never let you go (I would die without you) I would die without you you hold on to me I’ll find enough love, baby, I’ll find enough (love to wrap you in to keep the world away) somewhere you’re so cold you’re so cold you’re so cold]

Face had struggled against them, but he no longer struggled. Murdock held him close. Murdock was wrapped around him like a blanket, but the warmth, he could feel it, but it was far away. Hannibal sat on his heels beside them. He kept one hand on Face’s shoulder and his eyes on the camp. He stayed between them and the door. He kept one hand on Face’s shoulder. BA sat beside Face and Murdock and gathered them into his lap. He propped them up against his chest and kept his arms around them. He could feel Face trembling (like a little bird) and his skin was very damp and cold. He could hear Murdock’s soft whispers of love and promises and he added prayers his mama taught him. He prayed for all of them.

Face had struggled against them, but he no longer struggled.

[Mary Hail Mary Hail]

It was very cold.

[Hail Mary why hast thou forsaken me]

There was warmth, he could feel it, but it was far away.

[garbage you are nothing you are nothing you are shit you are shit you are nothing oh Mary Mother of God come back where are you don’t throw me away oh it hurts make it cold make it cold make it all go far away (their hands) and it can’t hurt you then make it cold (no can’t leave Murdock) hurts (hold on) make it cold (no no no he loves you you can’t leave him) you are shit you are nothing you are cold (hands their hands their) garbage you are garbage what have they done to me I found everything I never thought I’d ever have and now it’s taken all away (Murdock) it hurts (you can’t leave him) he can’t love me now he can’t love me now (their hands) he can’t love me now none of them can love me now (what am I now) you are nothing you are shit you are garbage you are dirty you are dirty you are dirty pray for us sinners now and at the hour when they take everything away (taking) oh Captain my Captain I am lying cold and dead oh heart this is what it feels like when you break]

-fin-


The First Time by emmastark
The Fire In The Flint by emmastark

 

 


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