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From Nam to Namco (or "How the Ol' Faceman Failed Miserably")

Author:  H.M. Murdock

 

Rating:  PG

Summary:  For a brief glimpse in history, Murdock had an account on a website and wrote periodic journal entries.  This is the sixth, set up in the general format in which it originally appeared.  In this segment, Murdock is doing his part to help Face in a scam that goes somewhat awry. 

Warnings:  Nothing to write home about; just a scene in which the first part occurs in the VA.

Disclaimer:  I do not own these characters, nor am I making any profit writing about us them.

 

 

Insert Tokens (Need 2 More Credits)

January 22

Listening to: Me, PacMan, making PacMan noises-"Weeooweeoo!"

Playing: PacMan

Eating: Nothing—this turkey sandwich is not round or blue.

Drinking: Nothing—I am PacMan, not the Aquamaniac!

 

:Face approaches VA mess hall in white nurse's attire (probably the same garb Hannibal had last time) and enters, ignoring me and going right to an attending nurse who seems somewhat flustered:

 

:introduces self, extending hand:
Uh, hello. Dr. Richard Remmington. I'm with NAMCO video gaming.
:motions to moi:
Is this one of your patients?

 

Yes, this is Mr. Murdock. He's just finishing his lunch.

 

:similarly ignoring Face and nurse, grabs other nurse walking by:
Hey! I can't eat this stuff!
:motions to food:
Most people need square meals every day, but see here, I'M not most people. I'M PacMan. All my meals MUST be round. You have to understand, I can't eat anything that's not round unless it's deep blue. Otherwise, I go, "Waaaa... BlinkBlink!" and it's all over 'til someone throws another couple coins at me. If you think it's bad at your end, imagine how I feel about all this--I'm being chased by psychedelic ghosties all day!
:stands up and walks briskly around cafeteria tables in a semi-randomized pattern:

 

Ah, this is "Howling Mad" Murdock, I presume?

 

That's right. He's usually much more subdued, but today he's under the illusion that he is a character from a video game.

 

Oh, that's not just any video game. This is PacMan. Actually, that is why I'm here. As I stated earlier, I work for the NAMCO video game company. I got a call about Mr. Murdock here and my boss would like an interview.

 

:four nurses come to stop the semi-randomized pacing around the tables, but this PacMan deftly avoids them, eating cookies from other lunch trays along the way:

 

Well, I hardly see what an interview will do to help. Do you have release papers?

 

:in hushed tone, instilling confidence as any good con man tries to do:
Frankly, we're not interested in helping. We're looking for a new idea for the next PacMan game. If you haven't heard, Ms. PacMan is the next best thing, and the idea came from that mind.

 

This was fishy from the start Mr... What was it?

 

Kimble. Dr. Richard Kimble.

 

Ah ha! You said it was "Remmington" before.
:presses button on the wall to set off alarm and alerts other nurses:
We have an intruder over here!
 other nurses head toward Face:

 

Now, Murdock!

 

Yaaaahoo! They're all blue!
:holds hat onto head with handful of cookies and runs out of the cafeteria and into the gardens and out to the street, picking up round objects on the way—a quarter, coffee can lid, and marigold—and into the van where BA and Hannibal are waiting. The Faceman is soon escorted to the front of the building where he is picked up by none other than the other Three Mousketeers:

 

Boy, that was close!

 

:lights a new cigar:
What happened?

 

Well, I was in there being a good little PacMan, eating all my blue ghosties that Ms. "Mom" PacMan told me to this morning, but at lunchtime they tried to—

 

What?! Quit the jibber-jabber, Murdock! What happened, Face?

 

I don't know what went wrong! I've been setting up this scam for weeks! Hannibal got the message through. Murdock played the part right. Somehow the nurse just caught me off guard and I forgot my name and—

 

:interrupts to tell it like it is:
What is going on here is that the ol' Faceman made an amateur goof and is showing premature symptoms of "Grey Mare" syndrome; he ain't what he used to be.

 

Hey, now that's hardly fair, Murdock...

 

Well, Lieutenant, this is the first time in a while when we've had to make a getaway that involved your having to be pried from the hands of an angry escort.

 

:sits silently and thinks:

 

Aw, don't worry about it, Face. If you run out of scams, I'm sure they won't mind putting you up for a few nights there, too, so long as they don't realize that you were the same guy that just helped spring an inmate.

 

:smiles sarcastically:
Thanks, Murdock, that's a real comfort.

 

I'm always here for you, Faceman. Even when you are failing as our con artist. You know, you're going to have to get on the top of your game soon here or you'll just be an extra mouth to feed.

 

:puts hand up to argue that he has recently been taking accounting classes and is not only our con man but also our financial manager, but ultimately thinks better of it and lowers hand again:

 

Okay guys, we're meeting up with our contact in a little over an hour. We've checked out the customer and their government record is clean, so this is going to be the point of no return. Face, Murdock, work on your characters.

Right. Murdock, you are going to be a reporter. Just go up to different people and ask them for ten random facts about themselves. Tell them you're doing a special interest report about common American citizens or something. Anyway, here's your clip board. Write down ten things about yourself so they see some work and think you've been doing it all morning.

Man, you'd think I was the one slipping with the scams. Telling me how to do this...
:takes paper and starts writing:
And what are you going to be?

Me? I'm going to be a good con artist.

I suppose it will be a tough acting job on your part...

 

Okay, that's enough with the "bad con" jokes. I've done enough good ones! You'd think my track record was a lot worse with the way you make it sound.

 

:hands Face clipboard:
Okay, I'm done.

:reads aloud:
1. Eez a fabulous cook
2. Eez world famous and has won a drawing contest for a taco shop
3. Eez--
:stops reading:
Really, Murdock? You wrote this in a French accent?


:in French accent:
Oui, oui. And fohr gude reason, tu.

Which is?

Nevermind that! Just keep reading.

Right.
:goes back to reading, ignoring my impeccable French:
3. Is difficult to irritate, except when people ignore his written French accent
:sighs:
4. Has an eenveesible dog, Billy, who turns purple when he's angry
5. Reads a lot and just finished a book about Betty Crocker (zat eez where my cooking skeels come from!)
6. Is a spy for...well, I'd tell you, but...you know.
7. Wears plain ol' black, Converse All-Star hi-tops
8. Likes a good elephant joke.


D'you know how you smuggle an elephant across the boarder?

Uh, no.

Colonel?

No, Murdock, but I've always wondered.

You stick him between two slices of bread an call him lunch! WA HA HA!
:closes eyes in amusement and laughs a little more:

 

Right. Anyway, back to this list...
9. Permanently stained favorite Woody Woodpecker shirt recently in first attempt with oil paints--
Really?


Yeah, I was pretty devastated, but it was the same day we had a group therapy session, so I got over it after discussing it with the other loony tunes.

10. Is hungry and looking for little, round things to eat, like a banana
...
Huh?


Banana's ain't round, sucker!

:has pulled a banana from seemingly nowhere and started cutting it up:
They are when you slice them!
:starts eating banana and making PacMan noises:
Weeooweeooweeooweeooweeooweeooweeoo...!

 


From Nam To Namco by H.M. Murdock

 

 


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