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Rescue request Form
This form was originally written by Miss Adrian, The Secretary to the Seven and has been adapted to suit my purposes. To view the original look here: http://sorsha.simplenet.com/M7/Adrian.htm
Rescue Request Form
This is the personal secretary for Misters Smith, Baracus, Peck, and Murdock. These gentlemen have asked me to very kindly pass on the following message to you. It is hoped that this will expedite your use of, and satisfaction with, my employers' services.
Article 1: Whereas many of you ladies find yourselves needing the services of one or more of the gentlemen in question on numerous and assorted occasions, the frequency and urgency of which are both escalating, and
Article 2: Whereas these occasions often occur in pulses of increased demand associated with certain times of day (night-sleep) or the year (final exams, taxes), and
Article 3: Whereas these gentlemen are not of *completely* infinite physical stamina and must furthermore travel from location to location undetected by the military or local police, often with bare moments between crises which they have been asked to avert, therefore
Proposed: Please make all requests for assistance at least 10 minutes in advance. Note, however, that if you make your request earlier, your chances of getting aid from the gentleman of your choice increases exponentially. Also, if you wait entirely too late to ask for assistance, we may be forced to send you a substitute rescuer, possibly including Miss Allen, Dr. Sullivan, Mr. Santana, General Stockwell, Billy or -- in a serious hero-shortage - Miss Baker. Please be assured that regardless of her lack of brains or experience Tawnia can be quite intimidating if given the proper incentive say threatening to muss her hair. To expedite this new procedure, we ask you to please fill out the appended request form below and submit it in advance to secure your personal rescuer. Thank you. And please let us know how else we may be of service to you.
RESCUE REQUEST FORM
Please fill out the following request for rescue assistance and return to "HM Murdock, c/o the VA hospital, mental ward, LA, California 90210." Do not include your phone number, as we have limited telephone privileges.
Age: _______ Gender: _M __F (note: those who check "M" may at this point discard their forms, as the gentlemen will not consider them with such a shortage of good heroes available for rescuing those of the gender "F". Also, Mr. Peck flat out refuses to do it anyway. Address: (Please circle on enclosed map.)
General Nature of Crisis (check as many as apply):
__impending bodily harm
__impending financial harm
__impending damage to one's heart
__irresponsible individual of the gender "M" (other than Mr. Peck) in immediate vicinity
__act of God (tornado, hurricane, taxes due, etc.)
__impending need of Serious Comforting (illness, breakdown of major vehicle, children at home for vacation, husband out of town, mother-in-law throws up your meatloaf while still seated at the table, etc.)
__other. Please describe in 15 words or less:
(If you need more space than provided, see instructions once again please.)
When do you need these services?
__AAAIYEEEEE!!!! <choke> <gasp>
Which individual's services are you requesting? Please check all that apply.
Please note that you may not request assistance from Mr. Peck unless you are willing to sign a waiver releasing us from any damages suffered by you due to his amorous nature. Further, you may not request Mr. Murdock's assistance if you are under the age of 18, as experience has taught us the danger of such requests to Mr. Murdock; they almost always disguise a scantily clad ambush rather than a serious cry for assistance. Further, requests for assistance from the other gentlemen also come with certain stipulations and requirements, which you are urged to review before you submit your request.
Stipulations and Requirements
For all of the gentlemen: In the event that your rescuer is shot, beaten, stabbed, set fire to, infected with disease, attacked by wild animals, or otherwise harmed during the course of his duties, recipient of services agrees to provide professional medical care in an established trauma center. Recipient is not permitted to care for their rescuer personally in their own home, regardless of the recipient's desire to "take good care of" the gentleman in question. Under no circumstances is the recipient of services permitted to act in collusion with perpetrators of impending danger so as to increase the likelihood of such an event happening in remote areas where medical facilities are not available, thus "forcing" the recipient to personally care for the damaged party. Further, in the event that such dire things are inflicted upon the person of your rescuer, the recipient must provide psychotherapy for post-traumatic stress disorder as needed.
For Mr. Smith: Recipient of services agrees to provide unlimited access to Cuban cigars, available by mail order purchase from the Peck Unlimited (send to address above c/o Mr. Murdock). Recipient also agrees to provide Mr. Smith with any number of armaments, stage make-up, or giant lizard suits. Recipient must also agree to any of Mr. Smith's plans, to listen carefully to his proverbs, and to laugh at any and all jokes told by Mr. Smith. Recipient will also provide an assortment of B-movies including all of the Aquimaniac films.
For Mr. Baracus: Recipient of services agrees to provide unlimited access to milk, preferably in a gallon jugs available by mail order from Peck Unlimited (address above). Recipient also agrees to provide an unlimited supply of car wax and armaments. Recipient also agrees not to ask Mr. Baracus any questions about anything whatsoever, under penalty of possible violence or death to the user. Recipient of services agrees to prepare an extensive and elaborate home- cooked meal of "just-like-Mama-makes " quality. Recipient must also admire Mr. Baracus's general person and courage as well as his mechanical skills, as Mr. Baracus is otherwise beginning to feel he is valued only for his muscles. Mr. Baracus prefers to be paid in gold chains.
For Mr. Peck: Recipient of services agrees to provide unlimited access to ladies of any stripe whatsoever, although Mr. Peck is partial to -- and would prefer - those with two X chromosomes. Recipient must also sign waiver described in previous section. Further, recipient of services agrees to arrange a post-rescue business meeting between Mr. Peck and at least 5 members of the local community who have personal incomes in excess of six figures. Recipient must also agree to provide some form of compliment and assurance every fifteen minutes as Mr. Peck has a limited self-esteem and should be reminded of his worth. Mr. Peck prefers to be paid in small unmarked bills that cannot be traced.
For Mr. Murdock: Recipient of services agrees to the following strictly held rules: Mr. Murdock will not under any circumstances be forced to take an ink blot test. Mr. Murdock will be provided with unlimited access to the flying machine of his choice, preferably already repaired. Mr. Murdock will be provided with a personal parachute in the event that the flying machine is not behaving properly. Mr. Murdock will also be provided with free use of his imagination and any and all supporting personalities must be accommodated. Such as should Billy accompany Mr. Murdock a supply of doggie treats and invisible dog food must be provided.
FINAL NOTE: "Lonely" does NOT constitute a crisis to which the gentlemen in question can respond. They may be able to rescue you from such feelings, but are in far too great a demand at the present time to permit a high priority on this class of crisis. Mr. Peck exempts himself from this caveat.
Sign here to acknowledge that you have read and understand the stipulations set forth in this document: _______________________
SIGH here to acknowledge the true state of your need:
Thank you for your patronage. You should expect to hear back from our office as soon as we can adequately process your request. Please have an appropriate lie prepared to throw any and all police or military persons off the trail of your rescuer.
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