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Planning Deaths For Zombies
Summary: The A Team take refuge in a mall after the dead rise from their graves. Am I kidding? 'Fraid not!
But hopefully you'll get a chuckle from this (on nightmares- whatever!).
Author's notes: Okay, this was a plot bunny that just wasn't going away, but it's kinda weird. I love the original 'Dawn of the dead' movie and it's about four people holed up in a mall, whilst zombies have taken over. I just couldn't help but wonder what would happen if the team were there instead. This is the conclusion, but it's very much a spoof, rather than anything resembling seriousness.
Thanks to Pheral and Viskey for betaing this some time ago and to JFM for the feedback.
Warnings: Nothing major to report. A little swear, some violence. Hope no one gets too offended by the content.
A couple of bits of dialogue are from 'Dawn of the Dead' (original version) and there's a line that Harry Hill always says. If you're a fan you'll know what it is, if not, let it just glide by- you won't even notice it.
A quick disclaimer too. I don't own The A Team and I don't own anyone from Dawn of the dead. I wish I did, because I could have made this film then!
Find A Secure Location
It started out as an ordinary day, but then most days do. Especially ordinary ones.
Colonel John 'Hannibal' Smith was on location shooting scenes for his latest movie, 'Aquamaniac IV: The Aq is Back' when he first saw one of the living dead, although at the time he'd assumed it was just another of the drunken crew turning up for work.
It wasn't until the 'drunk' grabbed a cameraman, ripped a chunk of his throat out and started eating it, that Hannibal's special forces training kicked in and alerted him that something was not quite right.
Upon returning to his trailer, he immediately picked up the phone, dialed a familiar number and knew action would be instant. Within 10 minutes, they were there.
He handed over $7.50 and tucked into a large ham and pineapple pizza.
Once finished, he decided that he'd better give the rest of the team a call and let them know what was happening.
He called up Face first, interrupting a liaison between the lieutenant and a companion.
They had all meet Face's new friend,
None of them could wanted
to tell him that
He told Face to call the others and said for them to meet outside the VA, ASAP.
It didn't take long to get there, mainly as a
The team were silently very sympathetic, but displayed little of the emotion other than a few knowing looks not wanting their macho image to be ruined by displaying real emotions. They were soldiers, damn it!
They could see the carnage these flesh eating monsters were causing.
In front of them one shuffled along slowly and did nothing.
God, what could they do to escape the horrors?
Murdock's strange sixth sense told him they'd find an answer to their problems if they took a left at the next turning. His instincts were right, as before them was a unsupervised helicopter, fully loaded with fuel.
What are the chances of that happening!
BA told them he'd follow in the van, as firstly, he'd never leave his van. And secondly, he'd never fly, especially not with Murdock.
The rest of them rolled their eyes, certain he was given the same script week after week, and nodded in agreement.
Before he could leave,
He watched as BA's body fell to the ground and realised that they should have caught him and not let him land in the pool of blood on the floor.
They got him on the helicopter and headed up. They flew aimlessly in one direction, not able to come up with a better plan.
It was after nearly 8 hours of continuous
He woke Face and Murdock up, which worried him as Murdock should have been flying, and told them to take a look at the mall below them.
Fortunately, the mall was equipped with a heli-pad too.
The car park was full, not unusual for this time of day at the weekend.
Looking in through a sky light revealed that the zombies were only on the first floor, there were none on the second floor. Either they couldn't climb stairs, the lifts were broken, or they hadn't finished browsing downstairs yet.
They found a small room that was cut off from the rest of the mall, and broke in. They used the still unconscious BA as a mat to land on.
Once they were all well rested, they decided to check out the mall and all the zombies in it. By this time, BA had also woken up and vowed to get revenge on them all. His favorite top was ruined and blood was so hard to get out once it had dried.
To get to the mall they had to go past boiler rooms and such and they found a small room which housed all the electronics, plans for the mall and also some large sets of keys to open all the doors of various stores.
Lucky really that they had just been left out in plain sight and not put away properly.
Face spotted a panel that had switches to turn on various power points.
"Hey, how about some music. Might cover any noise we make?" He asked, wondering why the words were vaguely familiar.
"Might as well have power on everything, you never know when we might need it." He said, also plagued by the familiar speech. He shrugged it off and went back to looking over the plans in front of him for no reason other than it made him look like he knew what he was doing.
"Wait a minute." Murdock said before Face touched the switches. "Are you sure we want power on everything? I mean for a start, the tannoy, how annoying."
"Yeah, and what about the escalators, there were none of those suckers on the second floor and if you turn the power on the escalators they'd be up in no time." BA said. The others were curious as to how he knew there were no zombies on the second floor, as he'd been unconscious at the time, but let it go.
"Of course we need power on everything, guys.
If the zombies can't climb stairs they won't be able to get on the
"Yeah, and what's the worse than can happen?" Face said, turning on all the switches. Music started to play, that really, really bad mall music. If that didn't drive the zombies away, nothing would.
Once they had everything sorted, they made their way into the mall. They immediately saw that at least 15 zombies had already made their way up the escalators and were wandering all around the place.
"Told ya they'd get up here." BA said in his usual gruff manor.
"We need to stop any more of them from
getting up here, if too many of them find their way to the second floor, we'll
be over run."
"Couldn't we just press the emergency stop button?" Murdock queried.
"Damn it, it's too dangerous! Those things are getting closer
all the time, what can we do, out-run them?"
"I could out walk them." Murdock said. Watching the zombies make very little progress.
"Well go on then."
"Guys, this is madness, just calm down a minute." Face intervened. "We'll think of something, just please, don't do anything stupid, okay?"
"Whattcha talking about, Faceman. Crazy fool could walk over there and turn the escalator off without anything happening." BA said.
"Look, the way I see it is our only other option is to go back to the main power room and turn the escalators off there. Now I don't know about you, but to me that seems pretty drastic." Murdock said.
The others nodded their heads in agreement.
"Okay guys. I'm gonna make a run for it. Try and distract them for me, huh?" Murdock asked.
"Good luck, Captain."
"Thanks, Colonel." Murdock turned to Face and pulling his jacket off, he gave it to his friend. "Face..."
"Oh wow, Murdock, you're giving me your jacket! I can't believe it, I've always loved it...." Face was cut off when Murdock pulled it away from the conman
"Hey! You're just holding it for me." Murdock explained. "Okay, here I go."
The zombies were spread far apart now, having slowly ambled around for a bit before noticing the four men standing together. They were painstakingly slow making their way to the men.
Murdock carefully moved towards them, whilst the others tried to draw the zombies attention away from the pilot. They shouted a few words at them, but it didn't seem to be working, so they gave up and decided to spit on the zombies on the lower level instead.
Murdock managed to evade the zombies and reached the top of the escalator.
He saw three zombies on the contraption heading towards him.
He looked around, trying to work out how to stop it. All he could see was a large, bright red button saying 'Emergency Stop' on it.
The zombies were getting closer and he sensed the ones behind him closing in too. He took his chances and pressed the one button.
The escalator stopped.
Unfortunately, the zombies were already at the top.
Murdock dived out of the way and headed back to the others, but in is haste, his cap fell off right next to several zombies. Murdock hesitated, not wanting to leave his cap behind.
"Murdock, leave it, we'll get
"I can't..." Murdock said, torn over what he should do.
"It's just a cap." Face said.
"It's alright for you, you have a full head of hair." Murdock yelled back.
"Come on, Murdock. They're too close, just
get out of there!"
"We never left any caps behind in
He reached it just as a zombie picked it up. They now both had a hold on it.
Murdock was lucky, the zombie was no longer interested in the blue hat and let it go. He had, however, become more interested in the piece of meat holding onto the over end of the hat. The zombie grabbed hold of Murdock's arm and bit into the pilots forearm.
Murdock yelled in pain, and as the zombie chewed on the piece of flesh he'd pulled off, he managed to escape back to the safety of his unit.
"Are you okay, Murdock?" Face asked.
"No, I've just been bitten! That means I'm gonna die, right?" Murdock said.
"Try not to think about it."
"Yeah, man, save your strength." BA said inwardly glad. The guy did serious piss him off at times.
Face used a handkerchief BA gave him to tie around the wound. He then placed the jacket over Murdock's shoulders.
"Hey, give me your hat and I'll put it on for you." Face said, smiling kindly at his now infected, dying friend.
"Ah, crap!" Murdock said. "I dropped it."
"You did your best, Cap'n."
"Now that's a plan." Face said.
After Murdock has had his injuries tended to, cleaned and bandaged, the team return to the mall to clear the zombies out. There are even more zombies on the second floor now, the living dead having mastered climbing stairs. Crafty bastards.
The team armed themselves with several guns each and carefully approached the decaying monsters in front of them. They had devised a plan, four minds working together as one finely tuned machine to protect themselves from the zombies. The plan itself was masterful, creative and a work of genius.
BA held onto the former table top as
They were strangely proud of the work they'd done, although it wasn't one of the most technical pieces ever. Knowing that the second floor was safe from zombies, they took a moment to ponder why they'd stood at the bottom of the escalators to nail the wood to the stairs as they were now trapped on the lower floor with a huge amount of zombies and more pouring in all the time.
"What are we gonna do?" Face asked, freaking out slightly.
"There must be something here we can use
to our advantage,"
"Oh, look, over there." Murdock said pointing to the shop past a few gross looking zombies. They looked in the direction Murdock pointed to and saw the Army supplies store.
Upon sealing themselves safely in the shop, they started to look for things that they could use. They stacked boxes on ammunition, hand grenades, dynamite and machine guns up in a neat stack in front of the door.
"Well, that should keep those nasty
critters at bay until we can find something useful."
"You know, I saw a film once where something like this happened." Murdock said.
"What happened? How did they escape?" Face asked.
"I dunno. Intermittent memory loss, remember" Murdock said. He then spotted something that could help them get back to the top floor. He moved over to get a closer look. He smiled and picked up the tent, showing it to the others.
"What are we gonna do with that?" BA asked.
"Let me explain...." Murdock began.
The scene is cut then so we don't hear the actual plan, it makes it more mysterious.
We go back as they are ready to put the plan in action.
"Are you sure this is gonna work, Murdock?" Face said.
"Well, let's find out shall we?"
A pile of 'The Zombie Survival Guide'† books were piled up and set alight. Murdock and Hannibal took a piece of the tent that was cut into a doormat-sized section and then held it over the fire.
"Are you ready, Face?"
"You're sure about this, Murdock?" He asked, still nervous.
Murdock nodded. “I was told about it while I was in the Air Force. Heat rises, it'll lift this bit of material and you up to the second floor where you can throw a rope back down to us. Simple."
They'd all been shocked to hear about heat
rising, another military secret that everyone was keeping to themselves.
"Here goes." Face said. He moved back
a little and took a run up, jumping onto the material. It slipped straight from
In his panic (and forgetting his training to never panic) he stumbled into a pile of zombies who started to bite him.
The others bravely managed to rescue what was left of him and moved from the horde of dead.
"Quick, let's get to the lift."
"There's a lift!" Face said, exasperated
"Of course. The have to have access for disabled people and parents with prams and
pushchairs. I didn't want to use it in case someone
who really needed it came along. I'd have felt awful."
The all climbed in. Taking note of the weight restriction, BA left most of his gold outside. Face was being held up by Murdock and BA.
BA's head hung low, sadly. Sighing deeply, he started to speak. "Look...."
Face cut him off. "It's okay, BA. I'm gonna be fine." Face reassured him.
"No man. My shirt. Look at it! It's completely wrecked now."
"If it's the last thing any of us do,
we'll get you a new shirt BA."
Murdock looked at his wounds and at the man next to him, bleeding everywhere. "It probably will be the last thing we do." He whispered to Face.
† 'The Zombie Survival Guide' is a real book by Max Brooks. It's very good for all zombie enthusiasts and is pretty good in general if you want to find out the best places/weapons/terrain to go to survive a zombie invasion.
I sleep a little better at night knowing I have this very handy guide close by.
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