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Title: Gerry Springer Show

The Gerry Springer Show

Author: Cabaret

 

Rating: R

Summery: The A Team appear on The Gerry Springer Show (Gerry not Jerry to avoid any possible mix up with reality!)

Disclaimer: A Team, not mine, someone else's. Jerry Springer, not mine either.

Warnings: Things are gonna get weird.

Comments: As always a big Yes please!!

 

rrrrrrrrrrrrrr

 

The Camera pans up over the audience chanting Gerry's name, spins around and rests on the presenter, one Gerry Springer, nestled safe in the mix of the audience holding his microphone.

 

Gerry: Welcome to the show. Love can drive you crazy, or so they say. But for my first guest it couldn't be more true. Imagine falling in love with your best friend, I'm sure it's happened to most of us, but this is a forbidden love. Our guest today felt he could never tell his best friend, so hid his feelings away until it finally got him committed. I'd like you all to welcome Captain HM Murdock to the show!

 

Audience: Gerry! Gerry! Gerry! Gerry!

(Cpt Murdock walks on stage and takes his seat)

 

Gerry: Welcome, Murdock. So, you're in love with your best friend, why don't ya tell us about the person in question?

 

Murdock: Sure, my friend's a guy called Face, we were stationed together in 'Nam, I fell in love, and couldn't tell him, we weren't exactly out in the army ya know. End of story really.

 

Gerry: But it wasn't was it? Where do you live now?

 

Murdock: In a mental ward, but that's playing it up a bit.

 

Gerry: But you were committed because of the love you could never have right?

 

Murdock: Not exactly, I think you're being a bit dramatic here Gerry.

 

Gerry: So why were you committed?

 

Murdock: You ever flown through a war? Look I'm just here today to tell him the truth. If he's ok about it, then we get on to the happily ever afters, if not, then I hope we can still be friends.

 

Gerry: Well I hope you get the happy ending Murdock, Lord knows you deserve it. (Wipes a tear from his eye)

 

Murdock: Guess I'll find out Gerry. He's a bit of a ladies man, in the way that he's with a different one every week, but I think it's just cos he hasn't found the right man yet.

 

Gerry: So you're optimistic then?

 

Murdock: I gotta be, I don't think I could handle the rejection.

 

Gerry: So lets welcome Lt Templeton 'Faceman' Peck to the show.

 

Audience: Oooooooohhhhhhhhhh

 

Face: What? What I do?

 

Gerry: Welcome Face, so how would you describe your relationship with Murdock?

 

Face: Uh, friends? Well, more like brothers, we been through a lot together, the war, being on the run, it kinda goes beyond friendship sometimes.

 

Gerry: So you're close?

 

Face: Yeah, I mean it's all normal, but I know I wouldn't be here today if Murdock hadn't been around, I owe him a lot.

 

Gerry: Do you have any idea why you're here today?

 

Face: None whatsoever, I'm assuming it's a new therapy or we're gonna get our pardons.

 

Gerry: Well, Murdock here has something he's been waiting a long time to tell ya… Murdock? Why don't you talk to Face?

 

Murdock: OK, um…. Face, I love you.

 

Face: Yeah I know.

 

Murdock: You do?

 

Face: Murdock, you're like a brother to me…..

 

Gerry: Uh oh

 

Face: Or perhaps not?

 

Murdock: No Face, I really love you.

 

(Silence)

 

Face (quiet): You do know we're on national television right?

 

Murdock: Seemed a good place to tell ya.

 

Face: I could think of better. Is this a wind up? Cos I'm really not in the mood.

 

Murdock: No, no wind up, I told Hannibal once, he said he'd kill me if I laid a finger on ya, so I kept it to meself, but I've loved you since as long as I can remember, if you'll have me…. (hopeful look and raise of eyebrows)

 

Face: Geezz Murdock, you don't half pick your moments! Look I'm sorry man, but I'm not gay, you're like, well, no, it's just too weird. I have a date tonight!

 

Murdock: Oh yeah? Who with? Lisa? Denise? Naomi? Who's it tonight Face?

 

Face: Amy actually.

 

Murdock: Our Amy??

 

Face: Yeah, she finally said yes, tonight's our first date. What's goin on with you man?

 

Murdock: Oh nothing, I just fell in love with a ho!

 

Audience: AR-MY HO! AR-MY HO! AR-MY HO!

 

Gerry: Ok fellas, let's just back track here a lil, you mentioned Hannibal?

 

Murdock: Yeah Hannibal's our Colonel, he got all possessive when I told him, said to stay well away. Face, I wanna marry you.

 

Face: Mur-dock! Time and place and very wrong guy!

 

Murdock: How'd ya know if you ain't tried it?

 

Gerry: Well before we go into that, I think Hannibal has something he'd like to tell ya'll. Please welcome Colonel John 'Hannibal' Smith to the show.

 

(A shoe is thrown at Hannibal from a booing audience. Hannibal ducks and rolls and face's Murdock.)

 

Hannibal: I told you before Murdock, leave it well alone! This is all ridiculous!

 

Murdock (standing up and yelling back): I dunno what your problem is. I just wanna chance to be happy!

 

Face: Uh, do I get a say?

 

Murdock: You ever thought why he is the way he is? The poor guys been dragged around the world in hiding for the last ten years and for what? Geezz if we can't date outside, then what's the big deal with inter-team dating?

 

Hannibal: Cos he's my son and I want grandchildren!!

 

(Silence on stage)

Audience: Oooooooh

 

Gerry: Ok fella's sit down, let's relax here a bit.

 

Murdock: Well you probably got a bunch o grandchildren the way he's been carrying on.

 

Face: (To Murdock) What would you know? (To Hannibal) And you…. Just what???

 

Hannibal: I've tried so many times to tell you, but…..

 

Murdock: Well that's a turn up for the books, always thought there was summit about you two.

 

Face: There is nothing about us two… what's goin on here? You've all gone crazy!

 

Murdock: Actually, to be fair, you knew that about us anyway.

 

Hannibal: And Face, you can cancel that date with Amy.

 

Murdock and Face (slowly): Why?

 

Hannibal: Well, she's kinda my daughter, your half sister.

 

Audience: Slut! Slut! Slut! Slut! Slut!

 

(While audience are chanting Face loses what little sanity has been afforded to him and makes a grab for Hannibal, Murdock joins in the fray and before you know it everything's getting bleeped out and a major chair wheeling fracas ensues.)

 

Hannibal: Show some respect to your elders Face….

 

Murdock: Yeah about a generation or so older…

 

Face: Hey! Who pinched my ass?!

Murdock: Couldn't help it…

 

Hannibal: Actually I think that was me, I was goin for Murdock…

 

Face: Something…. OW! (A Chair is slammed over Face's head and the bouncer's run on stage to pull them apart.) You wanna tell us Hannibal?

 

Hannibal: Oh well what the hell. Murdock I love you.

 

BA (Off stage): What the hell? Come ere sucker, you ain't stealing him away from me! (BA runs on stage and proceeds to chase Hannibal around said stage with a large piece of wood.)

 

Gerry: Now… uh now gentlemen please! (Aside to director) Where'd he get that piece of wood from?

 

(Director shrugs and continues to point the camera's in the right direction as is his job of director.)

 

Murdock (Slinging his arm casually around Face): Now what's got him all worked up?

 

Face: Didn't you know? He's had a crush on you since you crashed your first chopper in 'Nam.

 

Murdock: Moi? He hates to fly.

 

Face: Only cos he can't control his passion for you up in the air.

 

Murdock: But he's my friend, friend's don't do that to each other.

 

Face: Really? (Raises an eyebrow.)

 

Murdock: Oh uh…. Flash back! Argh!

 

Face: Stop that right now.

 

Murdock: No really I can see Elvis… (Murdock starts swivelling his hips hound dog style.)

 

(BA stops his chase, and looks over at Murdock. He dashes over to him and dips him tango style.)

BA: You musta known.

 

Murdock: That you can tango? The thought never crossed my mind.

 

Hannibal: OK boys drop an gimme twenty.

 

Face: Uh Colonel, this is not a training exercise.

 

Amy: Whaddaya mean he's my dad?! I nearly slept with the man!

 

Gerry: Everyone, let's welcome Amy to the show!

 

Audience: EEEEEWWWWWW INSEST HO! INSEST HO! INSEST HO!

 

Face: Alright! Who said that? That's my date you talking about. C'mon, who was it?

 

Murdock: Yeah! Line up, if the person doesn't own up, we'll all stay here until he or she or transgender representative does! I can wait as long as you.

 

Hannibal: I don't think this is a class.

 

BA: Nope, it's the school of love an you got BA 101, extended class, all night long.

 

Rest of A Team: Cheese factor Brie!

 

BA: Well I got it from Face.

 

Amy: Hey you said I was the only one you'd told that to!

 

Hannibal: Oh god Face you didn't.

 

Face: Well did you?

 

Lynch: No he better not have!

 

(A Team jump back in mock Batman style poses.)

 

Murdock: Holy golden tinted bi-focals!

 

Hannibal: That's uh, Lynch Murdock, not Elton John.

 

Face: Holy tinted moustache trimmings!

 

Murdock: Hey that's my line! (Produces a script.) See, I say that then you reprimand me for being over the top then BA jumps to my defence, then Hannibal jumps to BA's defence. We all ignore Gerry who is making little attempt to calm the situation. Amy starts to cosy up to Gerry; BA finds his new love for Hannibal. Amy reveals she's pregnant with my child, which by the way I objected to in editing. Hannibal reveals he is in fact a transvestite, you decided to train the audience in singing speech therapy….

 

Face: Wait a minute, that part's wrong, did you get the revised edition?

 

Murdock: Revised edition?

 

Face: Yeah, it's BA who reveals he's pregnant, Amy who becomes a drag king and all around 80's club kid while training frogs to take over the world in her diabolical schemes of mass destruction. Hannibal stops her and reunites her with her mother who is in fact Tawnia.

 

BA: Wait a minute! Tawnia's really Amy's mother?! How?

 

Hannibal: L'Oreal age defying cream. Her skin has specific AHA complexes that reacted to the formula in the wrinkle reducing cream and she is now aging backwards.

 

Face: Lynch then reveals that he is in fact Amy's father and it was a three some… Wait a sec, who wrote this, it's ridiculous!

 

Audience: GERRY! GERRY! GERRY! GERRY! GERRY!

 

Murdock: GERRY! GERRY! GERRY! GERRY! GERRY!

 

Hannibal: Oh don't you start now!

 

Murdock: When in Rome.

 

BA: We ain't in Rome foo' an if you fly me there I'll smack you silly!

 

Face: Now BA, put down the two by four.

 

Gerry: Where did you get that two by four?

 

BA: Don't ask stupid question's foo'

 

Hannibal: Don't spoil the ending BA, it would seem such a shame, I mean who knew we'd get this far?

 

Lynch: (Bending down on one knee and holding a rose out to Hannibal.) It seems like a good a time as any, Hannibal, I've loved you since the first time I smelt your cigars and felt the bullet casings you fired around me. This is why I never captured you when I could have. The thrill of the chase was just too much, but I'm done chasing now. I can get your pardon's with a little creative paperwork, if you'll just, well that is… Hannibal will you marry me.

 

Face: Gentlemen! Please the script!

 

Murdock: Yeah let's have a lil order here!

 

BA: Well, whaddaya say Hannibal?

 

Murdock: Yeah answer the guy Colonel.

 

Face: Put him outta his misery.

 

Hannibal: I love it when a plan comes together.

 

Lynch: Is that a yes?

 

Hannibal: Depends what the question is.

 

Murdock: Hey I play the doc on these psyche evaluation role plays.

 

Hannibal: Take a break Captain. Ladies and gentlemen of the audience, I think that is evidence enough that this man is three fruit loops past crazy and needs to be taken off the case.

 

(The audience stand up and begin stripping off their casual clothes to reveal army uniforms underneath. A General steps forward.)

 

General: Yes thank you Hannibal, you have aided us well.

 

Hannibal: No problem, so pardons?

 

General: We would never have realised Lynch was three sheets to the wind.

 

Hannibal: Uh pardons?

 

General: Crazy and messed up with the lights on…

 

Hannibal: Nice, and the pardons?

 

General: But nobody home. You have done us a great service, to the army and your country.

 

Hannibal: Great so, pardons please.

 

General: No.

 

A Team: No…?

 

General: No pardons.

 

Face: As in no you're joking but will now give us our pardons for all the sterling work we have achieved here over the last ten years?

 

General: You boys are wanted criminals, I can't pardon you. Thanks to Mr Springer's help here, I've now caught Lynch and the A Team.

 

Hannibal: Nice, eh boys? Real nice. I think you know what to do.

 

Face: Amy dear would you?

 

(Amy lifts her top up and everyone is mesmerized. Murdock and Face flip their scripts to reveal they are holding hand guns, they then shoot at the ceiling and five ropes fall down. The A Team loop their feet around the ropes and with a final shot from Face and Murdock, sand bags drop and they make their escape to the roof.)

 

BA: 5,4,3,2,1….

 

(The whole studio collapses. And the A Team make their getaway from the roof where a chopper is conveniently waiting as is Hannibal with BA's two by four.)

 

Hannibal: Hey BA? Where did you get this two by four from anyway?

 

BA: Oh it was the key piece of wood holding together the whole studio. I calculated that by removing it we had a half hour window before the whole thing collapsed.

 

Face: Cut it a bit fine didn't you?

 

BA: Hey I wasn't the one milking the introduction Murdock.

 

Murdock (Defensively): But I was in love! (Flutters his eyes at Face)

 

Face: Cut it out you half baked fool.

 

Murdock: Spoil sport.

 

Hannibal: Who the hell was Tawnia anyway?

 

Amy: Random friend of mine, just figured we needed to add a lil spice.

 

Face: Yeah it seemed to be getting a bit boring.

 

Murdock: All action in our stories and nothing less than thrills excitement and double dealings.

 

BA: Last time I let you guys scam me into doin a scam with ya.

 

Hannibal: s'not like it really went on the air though.

 

(Murdock looks away shuffling his feet and whistling softly to himself.)

 

Hannibal: Mur-dock….

 

Murdock: Yeah… we'd better get goin huh?

 

BA: Hey wait a minute I ain't flyin in no chopper wi no crazy foo' who's badly hidin something!

 

Hannibal: No choice BA, we're on a roof of a building that has collapsed, somehow suspended in mid air waiting for this to end so we can fly off into the sun set. Somehow the writer over looked this detail.

 

(Hannibal sprouts a dodgy 70's moustache and water wings and begins to hula his way off the edge of the suspended roof top.)

 

Hannibal: Of course I'm sure all will be righted as soon as I clonk you with this BA.

 

BA: With what?

 

(BA is knocked unconscious with his own two by four and loaded into the chopper.)

 

Murdock (Now in cock pit): So sun set ahoy?

 

Hannibal: I can see no reason why not.

 

(The chopper flies off sun set bound)

 

Face: So Amy about that date tonight…

 

Amy: Pick me up about eight?

 

Hannibal: Uh guys, there's probably something I should tell you…

 

(Murdock rolls his eyes and keeps his finger poised over the James Bond style ejector seats button.)

 

 

The End

 


The Gerry Springer Show by Cabaret

 

 


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