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A Beautiful Morning
Summary: A morning for Murdock.
Warnings: Well, first itís slash, though nothing graphic. Second. Itís first POV. And Third: Major Character Death. So yeah, itís a sad one.
Disclaimer: I donít own TAT.
Copyright: Sarah Diaz 2004
Thanks: To Viskey. Not only was she the main reason this had been written, she beta-ed too!
Comments: Anytime! Iíd love to hear what you think.
A Beautiful Morning
Silently I watch through the big window in our bedroom, propped up on my left elbow, as the sun starts to rise. First rays of golden light are breaking through the darkness, beginning to paint the sky in a ray of colors. Soon the world out there will be tainted in pink, orange, red, violet and yellow for a short amount of time. Then the colors will fade to leave the sky crystal blue.
The exact same blue as the color of my loverí eyes.
I havenít slept this last night. Stayed awake to keep watch over my lover. Not wanting to even miss a single second of our time together. Like Iíve done it a lot times lately.
A sigh makes me break my seeingless stare at the new day beginning to look down at the fragile body frame in my arms. Gently I stroke over the naked skin under the covers. Stopping over his heart, letting the feel of his heartbeat pulsing against my hand reassure me. Sooth me with his presence.
I lean down and press a lingering kiss to the back of his head. Burying my nose in his soft blond hair I inhale deeply, closing my eyes, favoring his unique sent. Feeling movement I open my eyes and watch as he turns his head. When he leans up to give me a sweet kiss I meet him halfway, loosing myself in it, pouring all my heart and love for him in it.
When we break away Iím unable to speak, but not so my love. ďMorning Murdock.Ē He whispers.
Instead of answering I capture his lips for a kiss again, desperate to let him feel my presence. My love.
He smiles at me, telling me with his beautiful eyes that he had got the message. And telling me how thankful he is to have me here. Not as anyone would be able to keep my away from him. Weíre inseparable, ever since we first met. Even more so since we found our deep love for each other eight years ago. And nothing will ever be able to separate us, not even death. Or so I hope.
And of course, thereís his love for me. Eight years and it stills amazes me how much he loves me. His love has saved me, stopped me from getting lost in darkness. Stopped me pointing my gun at my head to end all this horrible pain I had been in. Gave me a reason to get back from the darkness of my mind. To get better. To wake up every day and live. Has made me happy. The happiest man alive Iíd say. Without him Iím lost. Incomplete.
Often he tells me that actually I was the one who saved him. Saved him from going over the line and never coming back. Saved him from a fate worse than death: a life spend alone. I always disagree, telling him all Iím doing is loving him. Staying with him. Thatís hardly saving someone, isnít it? Nothing compared to how he saved me for sure. But he wonít hear this. Itís not a disputable matter for him.
I guess, on the bottom line, one could say we both saved each other in our different ways.
All that counts is that we found each other. Stayed together all this time. Loyal and faithful. Happy. So utterly happy.
Lost in my memories and musings I feel him settling down again, snuggling closer into the warmth my body offers him. I feel a tremble run through his body and pull him closer, again stroking slowly all over his body in an attempt to warm him. To assure him that Iím not leaving him alone.
Weíre silent for a few moments. Savoring the feel to be in each other arms. I feel the urge to cry but I hold back my tears. Thereís enough time later for them. Now I have to be strong. Stronger than ever before in my life.
I have no idea how to manage this then all I want is to fall apart. But I will. For my loveís sake I will keep it together.
ďBeautiful morning Murdock, donít you think?Ē His whisper was so faint, so weak.
ďYeah it is.Ē I lie. Gently I lay down and pull him as close to me as possible, my arms encircling him, holding him close to my heart. Heís so light. So thin. I can feel his bones under the pale skin.
With a sigh he buries his head in my neck, his arms going around me to hold me close to him too. But his hold is so weak. The strength has left him completely in the last few days. His breathing has become a struggle for him. Even now, holding him in my arms, I can feel as his breathing slowly gets fainter and fainter. Feel as his last strength leaves him.
Heís skinnier than me now due to all the weight he has lost the last months. His golden hair has lost a lot of his natural glow. The brightness of his eyes has dulled. His once golden tan has faded, leaving him looking sickingly pale. But in my eyes heís still the most beautiful person I ever laid my eyes upon. When I had told him this yesterday he had laughed full heartedly and said that now he finally knew for sure that Iím in fact insane.
When he got his diagnosis, brain tumor, inoperable, they told him heíd have maximal six month to live. That had been two years ago. As the true con artist he is he had managed to steal time from death. But this time has run out now. Death has finally catched up with him.
We had been devastated back then, when we got the news. Itís been hard. But we had two options. Either get swallowed by the fear, waiting for death to rip us apart. Or to accept fate and make the very best out of the precious time we had left together. We decided us for life.
sounds so easy now, but it wasnít. Not at all. We both
had to come to terms with the fact that he was dying. And yet, in some way, it
really had been easy. If we learned something in
Sure, as the soldier he was he would have preferred a quick, clean death, not getting defeated by sickness. And I think, wouldnít it have been for me and the guys, he would have ended it at the first sign of the coming end.
the end, we agreed to use the remaining time we had to do things we always
wanted to do and never came around to it. Like going to
Until four month ago when he had started to feel worse. So we came back to LA for good, bought a beautiful beach house and settled down. There was nothing they could have done in the hospital for him so he decided to stay at home. With me and the guys taking care of him. Even Mrs. B is here, as much to be there for him as for her son too.
Now Iím holding him here in my arms and we both know itís for the last time. Heís dying and thereís nothing either of us can do to save him. I listen as his breathing gets more and more struggled, feel as his heartbeat gets fainter and fainter. Again tears sting in my eyes and this time Iím unable to stop them escaping.
ďI love you Face. I love you so much.Ē I whisper into his ear, my voice choked with emotions.
ďI know Murdock. I love you too.Ē I can barely hear his answer, so weak is his voice.
Gently I kiss his temples as his face is still buried in my neck.
Then I feel a sigh going through him and then his body stills.
Face, my soulmate, my lover, is dead.
Crying out in utter agony as my hearts break I cry out and cradle his body, his corpse to me, swaying it. My tears soaking his hair.
What I really want right now is to reach over to the bedside table and retrieve my gun to join my other half in death again. Because the thought of a life without him is simply unbearable. The pain I feel is unbearable.
But I canít. I have promised I wouldnít. There are only three things I ever vowed to Face. First oath was in the camps, that if I canít help it I wonít let him die alone. Second vow was when we got together that Iíd always love him and stay with him. And the third, last night, when he made me promise to live. Live life for him if not for myself.
I wanted to refuse but I never could deny him anything. Especially when he presented it as his last wish. Not fair this.
So far I never broke a promise to him. I won't start now. So I will somehow find a way to live with the pain. No idea how, but heíll help me. Because he promised me that he will always be with me.
Through the window I can see that the new day was in all his bright glory now. The sky was crystal blue. I wish heíd be gray and dark, so my only thought right now would not have to be that this color will never again be matched in the eyes of Face.
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