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This page last viewed: 2017-05-25 and has been viewed 3189 times
A Bad Boy
Summary: Some musings of a certain blond lieutenant.
Warnings: Not much. Some mention of the camps, that’s it. Oh yeah, and for your non-slasher: this has definitely hints of slash in it. What I’m talking, it is slash. And if you know me, you’ll know what pairing!
Disclaimer: No, I don’t own TAT.
Copyright: Sarah Diaz 2004
Beta: Viskey, who’s beta-ed her own birthday present, and Franne, to make sure it’s really English.
Comments: Pretty please? <puppy dog eyes>
A Bad Boy
I feel exhausted as I finally enter my dark home of the week. Well, actually it had been already for three weeks. A nice big house in a secluded area, with a beautiful white beach right in front of it – all for myself. It’s the house of my dreams. Too bad it isn’t mine. Nope, it belongs to some millionaire who’s on a trip around the world. But for at least two more weeks I would call it my home. That’s if Fullbright doesn’t get a hold of it.
After I have shed out of my jacket I move over to the home bar and help myself to a large glass of whiskey from which I immediately take a good long sip. I hadn’t bothered to turn on the light, not really in the mood for brightness. The faint light from the half moon that’s bathing the living room is more than enough for the brooding mood I’m in tonight. Grasping the bottle and my half empty glass I move over to the black leather couch and let myself flop into the soft cushions.
With a deep sigh I let my head fall back and stare through the high roof window at the bright stars over me and can’t help the feeling that they are laughing at me. Mocking me.
In an attempt to shut those out I close my eyes while I take another deep swallow of the whiskey. God, I hate this feeling.
To be alone. So utterly alone.
So far I have had a great time here. The beauties I brought home had been very impressed at my seemingly welfare. Added to this my undoubtedly good looking and they thought they had won the jackpot of their life. And I did give them the night of their life.
But that was all I would give them. I don’t have more to offer. And to be frank, I don’t want to offer them more. They don’t mean anything to me, are just a tool, a means to avoid this dreadful loneliness.
No, that sounds wrong. I do love them, appreciate them, and give them the world for one night. For one night, they would feel as they are the sexiest love goddess in the universe. That’s my present to them.
And their present for me is that I’m not alone in my bed. The one thing I truly hate. As long as I feel a warm body next to me my nightmares stay away. And my need, my hunger to be held and loved is somehow subdued. Not stilled, no, that never, but at least a bit fed.
Oh, not that I’m delusional. I’m perfectly aware that this is only a false feeling, nothing more than an illusion. That’s why I only spend one night with the same woman. For one night the illusion would work for me, soothing my pain of continued aloneness. But this illusion would start to crack in the second night already. Every single time. For a long time I did try to start a relationship that lasted longer than just one short night. It had never worked.
I would get bored soon, and annoyed. And shortly afterwards I would get disgusted. Disgusted by the way a woman would cling to me and not see through my false façade and disgusted at myself, for letting this happen. At this point I would pry her hands off me and tell her that I have to leave, that we had a great time and she the most wonderful woman I ever had the pleasure of meeting but now I need to leave. It was important for me to do this always most gentle and considerate and to not cause pain. A matter of honor to me. So far the women had been sometimes sad and disappointed, but at least always understanding. And sometimes they just shrugged and moved on to the next one.
By now I’ve given up to try. Years of fruitless attempts taught me that no one could replace the one person I long to have in my bed, to wake up to every single morning for the rest of my life. Yeah, there is such a person. One person in this entire universe I love with all my heart, one person that holds the power over me to make me endlessly happy and content with my life. One person who fills my every dream, my every whish, my every prayer.
The problem is just that it’s impossible for me to spend every night with this one person. Partly due to me and being on the run from the military, but mostly due to the situation my loved one is in. And of course there’s the slight problem that my soulmate has no idea of my true feelings for him. Of the deep love I hold in my heart and soul.
And no, it’s not because I’m afraid of rejection. Or because I’m not prepared to go from one night stands into a longtime relationship. Nor is it a question of my own insecurity. Or the fact I don’t want to acknowledge my feelings.
Ok, that’s not entirely true. Right there in the beginning I refused to fall in love. I had promised to myself I would never again make this mistake to only get my heart crushed. But hey, I had been young then and just raw from the disastrous end of my relationship with my first true love. Yep, then I had been convinced to be definitively through with love and relationships.
Of course I already was head over heals in love by then. The sight of the tall, strong and incredible graceful, not to mention extremely handsome, body in a bloody and shred combat suit had taken my breath away. One glimpse of the deep, soulful but laughing brown eyes and I had been lost forever.
Not that I would have admitted this then. Oh no, the only thing I admitted to myself was that there had been an immediate liking of each other. This feeling you have when you first meet someone who you know will be your friend forever. And that had been truly the case. From this first moment on we had been friends. And only after a short time we became best friends.
But that was all we were. Friends. Best friends. And sometimes when we were with the rest of the team even some strange sort of family. Never more.
Only when I held the broken and bloody body of my friend in my arms, back in the camps, I finally understood that the bond I shared with him was far more than simple but great friendship. Far more than a bond between brothers. No, it was love. Simple, wonderful, pure love.
Instead of reeling in this amazing feeling I sobbed. I clutched my love to my chest and rocked him while I cried my heart out. Because then I not only finally understood what I had been feeling the entire time, but with one look into the brown eyes I loved so much I knew that it was too late. They were so distant, so unemotional, so lost. My soulmate had closed himself into his own mind to protect himself from the Vietcong but at the same time had made it impossible for me as well to reach him.
And while I sat there, sobbing and cradling my lost love close to my breaking heart Hannibal and BA had silently moved over to me to embrace us both. They hadn’t said a word, just held me, letting me know they understood and that they were there for me.
From this moment on my life changed. Eventually we had managed to escape the camps. That was with the exception of my soulmate. Murdock may have escaped physically from there, but his mind had stayed there, forever imprisoned in the hell they had made him go through. Hannibal, BA and I were there for our friend, baking him up in this hard time. And even when Murdock had lost most part of himself he was still able to function. Somehow he even managed to pass the psychological test we all had to go through then.
if there would have been time for Murdock to deal with what had happened in the
camps - what I’m talking here - in the entire damn war, he wouldn’t have ended
in the VA. But the first mission after the camp for us had been to rob the bank
It had taken me six months after our escape until I was finally able to locate Murdock in the VA in LA. When we got there Murdock didn’t recognize me. Didn’t recognize any one of us. How could he, he didn’t even knew who he was himself.
desperately wanted to reach the man that held my heart for all eternity. To be
able to show him how much I love him. But when Murdock finally began to slowly
get better I was ordered to stay away from him. At least with
my love for him. Ordered by Murdock’s psychiatric who explained us that
he was not able to deal with such a thing at this moment. Yeah, we’ve been in
constant contact with the doctor then. It had turned out that the psychiatric,
Dr. Vessel, was an old friend of
this order from Dr. Vessel alone would not have been enough to keep me silent
for all this time. But
knew then that
“Ya love the fool?”
Astonished at this stupid questioned I looked at him. “Of course I love him. You know this.”
BA nodded and looked right at me. “Yeah A know. An’ A tell you what. If ya really love him ya let him go.”
My words were cut off by a sharp shake of BA’s head. “No Face. No but. He needs time and he needs his friends, not a lover. Perhaps one time he’ll be ready for your love, but tha’ll take some time. A long time, if ever. An’ ya can’t go on like ya have. It’ll destroy ya. And him too. Ya know the fool. Ya don’t need ta tell him something, he knows it anyway, senses it somehow.”
This time I couldn’t say anything. His eyes bored into mine. “He won’t get better as long as he feels tha’ he’s making ya unhappy. An’ he wouldn’t want ya to be miserable all this time. So do the hardest thing of yare life and be just the friend he knew from before the camps. Sacrifice yare deepest whish an’ forget what ya may have had with the fool. A know that hurts. But it’s the best. For both ya fools.”
After that he was silent. Trembling and without a word I got out of the car. I managed to get inside before I exploded. Out of the white fury and the overwhelming desperateness I felt I trashed the apartment. I broke chairs and tables, torn out each cushion I found, shattered every piece of glass and porcelain and every mirror in the entire place. When I couldn’t find anything more to destroy I used my hands against the wall. Until I finally broke down on the floor, for the second time in my life sobbing uncontrollably.
Why couldn’t they just stay out of my life? My love for Murdock was not their business. And why didn’t they want me to have a chance at happiness?
swelled in this selfpity for the entire night. When the first rays of sunshine
started to brighten the dark apartment I finally got a grip onto myself. I
understood that BA had said the things he’d said only because he loved Murdock.
And because he loved me. Same for
the next morning on I started the hardest con of my life. To
pretend to feel nothing more than friendship for Murdock. To play the charming conman 24/7. And in the following night
I had the first one night stand of my life. With a stunning
young lady tourist from
It had been true to some level. After all, after this night my reputation as a ladies man had been born. And I surely lived up to this reputation.
Not that I doubt my relationship with the team. I know they love me and are there for me, as much as I love them and am prepared to do anything for them. But I can’t help but feel alone on a very personal level. Feel desperately alone as soon as I’m not with the team. And the nights are the worst times.
I tried to forget Murdock, to move on. With women, yeah, even with other men. It never worked. Especially with men. Men are just too dangerous, remind me only by them being a man of Murdock. And the danger that I would call out the name of my true love would be too great then. I couldn’t risk this. So I stayed with the ladies.
Tonight shouldn’t have been any other than the night before or the night before then. But somehow I was just tired today. Tired of my constant con, tired of always lying, tired of seeking false warmth and comfort in the arms of beautiful, but in the end meaningless women to me. So tired. So hopeless.
And confused. All these years since this night I watched Murdock get better, getting more back to reality each day. I enjoyed the time I spent with him and I tried to spend as much time with him as I could. As his friend. Never more. I didn’t allow myself to even think of him differently as long as I was with him. When I was alone, far away from him, yes, then I allowed myself to hope. To hope that he would get to a point where I believed he could perhaps handle a relationship.
But even while he got better constantly there was always this shadow there, this light craziness that would always accompany him. A barely unnoticeable ray of uncertainness and fear. Fear to lose himself again I guess. To again be overwhelmed by the darkness. He rarely talked with us about the state his mind was in. But the few things he told us, told me, are scaring me even today. Slowly convinced me that there would never be a time for us.
If he even wants it. To be frank, I have no idea if he would want a relationship with me. But I would at least ask him the minute I’m sure it’s even a possibility.
There had not been such a possibility so far. Until recently. Something changed in the last years, but I just couldn’t pinpoint it. Be sure.
Not that he lost his crazy behavior, but I began to doubt how genuine it really was. There was just something about him that seemed more real. More grounded than before. Of course he always had been able to focus on the missions or he wouldn’t have been on them. We knew when he was well enough to go out or when it was better to either wait with a mission until he got better or to even go without him. God I hated these times. But there hadn’t been such a case in years, thankfully. A good sign.
Lately he began to go out with women again. Not in the way like me, no he would date them, spend time with them, call them, talk to them. His relationships with Kelly and Jody hurt me, made me jealous, but it alerted me too. Thank God neither of them lasted long. But that was not all. His impersonations lost the intensy they had before. To me he more and more didn’t appear to be actual crazy, but to play a role after another, just like me.
And he got more dangerous.
I still shudder at the look in his eyes as he had held his gun at the rednecks in that bar after they got angry at me for bringing them Boy George instead of Cowboy George. In fact he somehow seemed to be exasperated with me the entire time then. And I had no clue why.
Then there was his cold demeanor in our affair with Dimitri. The nerve of him to make a deal with Dimitri to help us escape from Fullbright! But it had been very calculating. Not something that fit to what we knew of the new Murdock.
I’m confused now, because I don’t know what to do. So long I had to hide my true feelings I am unsure now if it really is the right time to say something or just leave it the way it’s now. We do have a very close friendship, closer than any relationship we may be able to ever have. And yes, I do yearn for more. But is this only to satisfy my wishes or is it good for Murdock too? I just can’t tell anymore.
Again I sigh deeply and want to raise my glass to empty it but find it removed from my hands before it touches my lips. Surprised and shocked that someone could sneak up on me like this I open my eyes and freeze.
Two concerned brown eyes stare down at me, lightly chiding. “Now Faceman you really shouldn’t down such a nice whiskey the way you have. That fine brew is to be enjoyed by every single drop that rains down your throat.”
Still unable to say anything I watch as Murdock slowly drains the glass by taking little sips, trying to savor the excellent taste for as long as possible.
“See, that’s the way you should drink such a whiskey. Really a fine one. Yours or the owner’s?” He says while he puts the now empty glass on the small table in front of the couch.
“Uhh, not mine.” Apparently I have lost my ability to speak properly. But I’m too much surprised by the sudden out-of-the-blue-appearance of the man of my dreams out of the blue. Not sure why, it isn’t the first time he would come visit me unannounced. Perhaps it is because he got me in such a broody mood. Or perhaps because I have wished him so desperately here with me this night.
He nods his head. “Thought so. You’re not exactly a connoisseur of whiskeys.” Now he looks at me, with a contemplative look, the head slightly to the side. “Any special reason why you’re brooding here alone in the dark on such a lovely night?”
This brings me out of my momentarily shock and I frown at him. “What are you doing here?”
Oh great, now he does this Vulcan thing with his eyebrows. “That’s the reason? Not too logic, don’t you think? After all you didn’t know I was here until just now.”
Now this throws me slightly off again. “Stop it Murdock. Why are you here? And since when are you here?”
“Now, now, what’s with this interrogation? You don’t want me here?” He answers in a mocking hurt tone.
I glare at him. “You already stated that I’m in quite a mood right now. Do you really believe it’s the right time to play games with me?”
Something flashes in his eyes, but he answers in an unchanged tone. “Jeez, would I’ve known you’re in such a mood and such an horrible host I’d gone to BA. At least there I know what to expect.”
Taking a deep breath I stand up slowly, getting nose to nose with him. “In this case, you seem to know where the door is.”
What the hell is wrong with me? Here’s Murdock, offering me his company for this lonely night and all I do is bitch at him? Asking him to leave?
“Ok Face, why don’t you just spill it out?” Apparently Murdock has decided to drop the game.
“What you’re talking about?” Perhaps playing dumb will get me out of this conversation, I was am pretty sure that I’m prepared to have now.
who plays games Face? Let’s see? There’s the fact that you didn’t come home
since you left this morning, as I’m here waiting for you since ten o’ clock.
Then you’re downing a way too good whiskey to just swallow whatever bug you’ve
got right now. And now you are bitching with me, never a good sign. Not to
mention that you look miserable. Or that you were so unaware of your
surroundings that you didn’t notice the sound of the music in your bedroom or
me standing in the door. You were so deep in your thoughts you didn’t even hear
my hello. Just be glad I’m not
Wow, it’s been quite a while since I’ve heard Murdock being so angry with me. Or so serious. I have two options now. Either avoid to talk, but that will not work. I could leave and not come back for a few days and Murdock would still be there, demanding an answer. He can be very insistent sometimes. Especially when it’s something that concerns his friends. Or, second option, I could give in to the evitable and have this talk now, hoping that I wouldn’t won’t slip too much I shouldn’t.
Tired I sit down again. In an even more tired voice I silently ask Murdock again why he’s here.
There’s a long moment where he’s silent until he finally answers sighing. “I’m here to talk to you. We need to. It’s long time overdue.”
Confused I look up at him. “What exactly do you mean?”
He locks his eyes with mine and we stay like this for a few moments. I know the words before he speaks them. “You and I. Our relationship.”
Ok, I’ve been pretty sure that these would be his words, but to actually hear them. My heart is pounding loud and fast. “Our friendship?” I need to be sure we’re talking about the same thing now.
To my immense relief Murdock shakes his head, exasperated. “You know perfectly well that wasn’t what I meant.”
“Ok, yeah I hoped so, but why Murdock? Why now? What’s there to talk about?” Did I really just sounded so bitter?
Murdock is still standing in front of me, looking down at me. Now he frowns. “A lot Face. You’ve kept silent long enough. You’ve hidden yourself long enough. And you’ve lied to us long enough. Why don’t you just say it Face? What have you been so afraid of, all these years?”
Trust Murdock to drop a bomb like this and do as he has done nothing. Did he really know all this time about my secret? How? Surely not from BA and Hannibal. And I had tried to be so careful to not reveal my love for him. Had I failed so miserably?
Murdock must have read my thoughts because before I can say anything he asks in a soft voice. “Oh Face. Did you really think I can’t see it? I always was good at reading people, even you, and you should know it better. You hid it well Face. But I’m crazy, not stupid, nor blind.”
His words are like dabs to my heart. It hurts. “Then why didn’t you say something? Released me from my hell?”
He sighs. “Honestly?”
I simply nod.
“I made a mistake, you know. The way you were behaving, I thought you didn’t want these feelings. Fought them to get rid of them. That you were ashamed of your feelings for me.”
Shocked I look up. How could he have thought this?
Murdock shakes his head. “I know Face. I should have known better. But to my own defense I’d like to add that I hadn’t been in my right mind then. And to my shame I have to say that I only got the big picture some time ago, the day you told me I would sometime be a good wife. I should probably have talked to you then, but frankly said, I was a little shocked then. And confused. I needed time to sort everything out. To make a few decisions on my own.”
“And what did you find out?” I ask softly.
The glare he sends my way takes me a bit aback. “Why Face? Why did you listen to them? Followed the orders? I know that’s what in the end convinced you to stay away from me. To bury your feelings. To make yourself unhappy in such a way. Sure, right in the beginning you had no choice. I wasn’t in any state to even be reconsidered boyfriend material. But later, when I got better, why did you still stay away? Why did you let them do that to you?”
Not exactly what I expected. But hey, the day Murdock gets predictable would be the day my world would crash. So I don’t question how he guessed this. Murdock is like this. Knowing things he shouldn’t. “Because they had been right. It wasn’t what I wanted, but it was what was best for us. For you.”
“Oh yeah, is that so?”
This time it is me that scolds him with a look for this extremely sarcastic retort. “Yeah, and you know that. I’m not even sure if it’s a good idea now.”
It was true, even when he knows now, I’m still not sure if it’s the right time for him. He seems pretty stable right now, but that’s been only since for a short time. I will not risk his sanity, not for my happiness.
His sweet voice brings me back from my musings. “Huh?”
“Do me a favor, will you?”
“Sure, if I can.” I’m in love with this man. Of course I would do whatever I can for him.
“Stop being so damn gallant and think for one time about yourself and only yourself.” His sweet voice from before has gotten a hard, yes, even angry edge.
Not to mention that I’m not sure I understood him right. “What?”
Murdock pulls me up from the couch to bring me level with his eyes. “You heard me. Stop being a saint and finally be a bad boy.”
I stare into the depths of his eyes that are burning with passion, anger and, yes, love. “A bad boy?” I ask weakly. He wants me to be a bad boy?
nods seriously. “Yeah, a bad boy. For your
information: I don’t need a saint. It’s sweet and all, very honorable, but it
doesn’t warm me, doesn’t keep me together, doesn’t complete me. What I need is you. The true you. The Face that loves me with all his heart and would do anything to
be with me. Even go against a direct order from
I nod faintly. I think he has made himself pretty clear.
Murdock seems to be pleased by my answer. “Good. Now I tell you what. If you would have listened closely you would have noticed I mentioned that I’d come from your bedroom. I prepared a little surprise for you there. And that’s surely not the right thing for a saint. In fact, I’m pretty sure a saint would be quite shocked by what he would find there. But a bad boy may just be able to handle it.”
At these words I feel my knees weaken and blood rushes to places it should rather not. Not if you don’t want to let the person standing right in front of you know the kind of thoughts and visions that are playing havoc in your mind. But I do want the person to know.
By the suddenly wry grin on his face and the dangerous, amused glint in his eyes I can tell that he got the picture quite right. He lets me go and I’m fairly surprised my knees are still carrying me. He turns around, heading to my bedroom. Half way to the door he looks over his shoulder, a wolf grin on his face. “By the way, I love you. If that helps any with your decision. I’m back in your room, when you’re ready.”
Dumbfounded I watch him disappear. When I’m ready?! What an hilarious thing to say! I’ve been ready way longer than he was. Some ten years longer.
A smile tugs at my lips. Is it any wonder I love this amazing man. Waltzes in here (I still have to find out how he got out of the VA), gives me the Levites, declares that I’m an idiot to have waited so long, seduces me, tells me he loves me as it was the most natural thing in the world and then has the nerve to leave me standing with such a ridiculous question.
As if I have to decide something here. I never was good in the role of a saint. Back in school I’ve always played the devil or bad guy in the little plays we’ve staged. I think I can handle being a bad boy then. Way much more fun anyway.
With a wolf grin mirroring the one Murdock had given me I grab the bottle of whiskey and I make my way to my bedroom. Time to find out what other surprises Murdock got for me tonight. And to show him properly what a good little bad boy I can be.
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