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Wishful Dreamless Sleep
Timeframe: A month after they returned from Vietnam; end of 4th season
Summary: Murdock's intermittent memory loss has a comeback. Sorry, unbeta'd.
Damn! Another sleepless night. The mission a month ago didn't go as smooth as it could have been. No general. No pardon. And to boot Tia. Face had taken a liking to her and was seeing her regularly. He wasn't breaking me out as much so I'm lonely. BA is always at the children's center, Hannibal is on another movie location, and me? I'm living in the past and present.
When we first arrived in Vietnam last month, I was okay. I remembered a lot of good stuff including flying and saving lives. My Vietnamese came back like I never lost it. We were so busy, I never really had to time to process anything. Later I asked Hannibal whether he thought about it and he said he only remembered it. Me, I always think about it. I never stop thinking about it which is why I'm probably still in the VA.
But it's been a month now. The good memories are gone and the bad memories are coming back. I haven't seen the Wall yet, but I know I will remember too many names. In between dust offs, extractions, and regular flying, I also flew the dead back to the camp, holding onto their dog tags.
58,000 dead and I could swear I somehow knew them all, though I know it's not possible.
Roberts, Milton, Hootch, Peterson. Especially Notch. I had forgotten about his death and how gruesome it was. No one should be skinned alive. He hadn't deserved it. He was a good pilot and his death when it happened scared me a lot. Pilots weren't too popular and it was obvious the VC wanted information. Too bad Notch didn't have it. As far as I knew I was the only CIA operative pilot in the camp. Luck of the draw he was flying the first chopper so it got shot down first. Some tricky piloting by me eluded the gunners; the second chopper was shot down behind me, too.
We boogied out of there and returned an hour later to check on survivors, though, we all knew there would be none. Looking at was left was sickening. This was long before the A Team. Remembering now some of the bad things that happened in Vietnam makes me wish I hooked up with the A Team earlier. The missions were different. More men made it back alive. Hannibal, as a lieutenant colonel, cared about his men and their survival. He had back up plans to his back up plans.
I didn't pick the team, but somehow Hannibal picked me. And saved me. Along with Face and BA. I would never have made it through the camps without them. I knew the answers the VC wanted, but the teams' strength helped me through it. I never gave in, though, it did cost me my sanity. But the Team always believed in me.
I need them now. Dr. Richter means well, but he can never understand. I picked up the phone and dialed Face. No answer. I dialed BA next and he answered in his gruff, "Day care center."
I barely could get the words out, "Come get me. I need you guys."
By my voice I could tell BA knew something was wrong, "I'm on my way."
A half hour later there was a knock on my window from Face. I climbed through it and ran for the van, though, no one was chasing us. BA and Hannibal were already in it.
Hannibal said a vacation was due for us all, and told BA to head for Crystal Lake. Safe in the teams' hands, I fell asleep dreamless for the first time in a month.
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