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How To Stay Sane In An Insane World. (1)
By: Cabaret (with various channelling powers.)
Warnings: Silly… Very silly fluff
Inspired by: My coffee splurting compadre, Franne of Purple.
Summary: Franne told me to write a magazine article by Murdock, the title being "How to stay sane in an insane world." (Unfortunately was going through a peculiar phase of my life when I wrote it.)
Disclaimer: A Team - not mine.
Comments: Yes Please.
How to stay sane in an insane world (1)
By Captain Howlin Mad Murdock
The audience enters to the sound of whistling….. But whistling what?
Well that's the problem ain't it? If I tell ya now I'll lose yer attention or
you'll think I've gone off the deep end, which really I haven't, not this time
Ya see, I don't translate too well in the written word, don't get me wrong here, y'all do a fine job of writing me, I just can't do it when giving y'all the much needed advice sought after by many a fan o the A Team chronicles. So I had a think and came up with some rules:
1. I'll give y'all advice, but ya gotta find it in a short story, kinda like a moral in a fairy tale, it'll be easy.
2. I'm gonna write like I talk. I have the intelligence to know that
you is not written ya. But
for a kajillion reasons, I will choose not to write
as the Queen of England (God bless her bloomers) intended. Cos
let's face it, she's got a secretary anyway.
3. Oh and
we're in my world, which as y'all know has many borders, all of them on stealth
invisibility, so everything might and probably will shift along the way.
Ahem, well as I was saying I was humming, whistling you say? Well I was, but Facey boy's whining can sometimes out do even me, so in the time it took to tell y'all the above, a conversation was had and I was humming. We were on a steak out of sorts, sat in the 'Vette, me an Face watching a bolted door, while
"Why d'ya think Suki's like that?"
"Like what and who's Suki Murdock?" He's got that Mur-dock tone in his voice, I know he's tired, hell I am too, but I reckon he's willing to go on this one with me.
"Suki, ya know, what's she got against folk drinkin
it? I mean we ain't talking dancing on the bar with garter belts flyin here."
"I don't think she has…. Got anything against
drinking it that is." He hastily adds while yawning to emphasis his
feeling on closing this issue, poor Face should really know better by now,
you'd think he'd learn huh?
"If that's the case then why does she keep taking
it off again? I mean Polly's just tryin to have a
good time at her party with her buddies an all."
"Ever considered that Polly might be frigid an Suki's just tryin
to shake up her ice maiden mates?" Oh no you didn't, he just turned the tables….
On me! An now he's grinning like Suki's
sittin on his lap, all grown up and not changing any
o her habits.
"Face we're talking kettles here not clothes."
Best way, shot him down and play the switch. Unless he does…
"There's no actual evidence to that statement ya know."
That. Pointing out facts in any discussion is bad news
for the first party (me) an that door's still bolted.
I scan through the song (Polly put the kettle on in case you hadn't guessed by
now.) An, yep he's right, there's no evidence. There could have been a missing verse
were a pajama party could have broken out and it was dumped over the years due
to censorship and overly high morals making the song seem as if the main
substance is tea drinkin an hospitality not drunken
parties of school boy dreams an he knows as well as I that if I try to argue this
point, he'll play that card. Smarty pants.
"Either way, Suki is bein mean an frankly a bad hostess, her sister is bein ridiculed for drinkin tea an bein sociable, Suki's showed her up in front of all of Polly's friends an showin a bad family relationship resulted in bad parenting an the inability of nurturing the sibling bond of two sisters facing the world alone in a cruel society where by women are seen to be providers of tea an good gatherings. Polly probably won't even be invited to the next social gathering of the Wilmot Street tea drinkers, which will then cascade in her life to being excluded from most every major social event, she'll become a recluse book worm, burning her bra in the corner in her school prom when not named prom queen an go on to wear pony tails an baggy pants drinking coke an eatin pickled sandwiches resentful of the life she's afraid to join and alone from everything she's ever known, alienated from her family an working a dead end job, til she finds romance in a shy guys eyes then takes him home to realize she's lost the art of brewin a good cuppa tea, he'll do it for her and the she'll realize she's pulled a chef who will take over her kitchen an try to run her life, but she'll not say anything cos she'll have never felt the power a good cuppa tea can hold over people, instead she'll jump outta her bathroom window in blind terror an join a pack of wonderin minstrels playin the triangle an hired out for B rate fairy tales an commercials. An who's fault will it be? Suki's my friend, all Suki's." Time to breath.
Face is looking a bit perplexed, I got him now, never try to switch the tables on the first party, especially if the first party is a crazy person, never try to out crazy or lateral think them, they will always win. Cos it's their game, the first party you see has been doing research an thinking about the issue long before the issue was ever raised. We shall review what Face did wrong later, for now he's tryin to formulate a come back which is another thing you should be aware of when getting into these lil debates with someone. The first party will always throw up as many contingencies at the second party as they can. The second party can argue many things now, but which one? Will he go for:
'Why tea not coffee?' Easy, no fool would give children coffee, even though tea actually has more caffeine in it. Children have tea parties, not coffee parties and this is an English song steeped in tradition, history proves that tea is more widely drank at these gatherings that happen past fifteen years, and you really should be over fifteen if your gonna argue this at all.
'How do ya know their sisters?' Give the look of being insulted. Of course their sisters. If he pushes the point, look at the names, anyone who name's their child Suki will name the second child Polly for makin up for the first name. (Yes, Suki's the elder, if Polly was, she'd have been the one to take it off again, family rules.)
'Why would she burn her bra?' The wild card in there for Face's benefit, refer the second party to the traditional role of women as home makers and watch him squirm. The feminist issue is always a safe bet of winning with Face.
'Why would she run from the chef?' Explain that Prince charming was never a damn cook!
This is your danger area as the first party, ya see, the first party has a lot to remember, details and memory are essential, if you have to pull the rant card, I suggest you vary your tones of speaking so ya can play back exactly what you said more easily, cos you'll've remembered it better. Well I think the Second party's ready to give his long awaited response, I wait with baited and smug breath.
"Murdock, what have you been eatin?" Ah the change the subject an blame the first party tactic.
"Same exact thing as you." Got him, an now he's worried to boot.
"I think ya need a
Now I could be nasty an remind
him that some of us can chew gum an walk, but the second party is my friend
here an that would be lowerin the tone. A tricky situation indeed.
"But can't ya see Facey, I got one right here." Play the friendship card.
"A new one then."
He's persistent ain't he? He knows he's lost.
"An let you go the way o
Polly, not likely mate." Always come back to yer
"What on God's blue blazes makes you think I'd go
the way of Polly?"
Hook, line an sinker my friend.
"All I'm sayin is that in
this life there's those who put the kettle on an those who take it off again,
in between there's those that come an go home again, we should all know where
we stand and you ain't goin nowhere."
"So ya think I'm gonna burn ma bra?" Bit predictable at times ain't he?
"Nah, you burnt yer jock
strap, an lived a life much happier for it."
"This is happy?" Touched a nerve here, but the
boy's gotta learn summit outta
this. If you're the first party, never make yer
"Sure this is happy, what more do ya want?"
"A warm fire an some sane
"Which you had a day or two ago an
you'll get in a day or two, cos only you know how, an
ya know how cos you've
worked at it, easy gettings are never appreciated,
this way, y'all can appreciate it so much more now."
So while the second party basks in his compliment, let's review what Face did wrong here shall we? Remember when I said: "Why d'ya think Suki's like that?" an Face said: "Like what and who's Suki Murdock?" Bingo! There's his mistake. There's no damage control the second party can do after they've invited the first party to explain themselves, so what could he have done?
Ignored me, well, that only builds resentment an he's my friend remember, he wouldn't do that.
Told me to be quiet, again, I woulda pushed the point makin him realize the vital gap in his life being that he hasn't considered this.
Palmed the question off to Hannibal or
BA. Yep, this would have been a wise tactic, cos then he coulda joined my side
in the argument. It's always good to disperse the target, especially if you're
Pretend to know what I'm talking about an say summit like: "Cos some
folk's just like that I guess." It could have worked, but we've all seen
Face's follow through here an he'd have to do a much
better job to dig himself outta that one. Don't get
me wrong, Face can argue with the best o them, but I'm a pro.
Said "A build up of years of
conditioning?" Yeah, we could have joined sides in that
one, truth is there's no real way to palm it off when ya
know it's comin, an Face always knows when it's comin, he knows me too well by now. So let's return to the
issue at hand and look to the next come back, yep he's reaching for the radio.
"BA? Wanna trade places?" He asks over the radio, but he's smiling. He shoulda done that a long time ago, now
"BA's takin the fifth on that one Face, problem?" It's
"I'm discussin the finer
points of Polly put the kettle on, I'd say that's a
"Yeah why did Suki take
it off again?"
So there ya have it, folks put kettles on and other folks take em off again, Polly'll be ok, cos she ran away to New York an became a fashion designer, her an Suki are getting on well last I heard, although there are still kettle disputes in their household, but don't worry, I'm monitoring the situation.
Howlin' Mad Murdock signin' off an' not so bored in a car now.
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