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"I Wish I Had Your Joie de Vivre"

"I Wish I Had Your Joie de Vivre"
by
Casper

Rating: PG
Copyright: 2003 Isabel Florence/(
Casper)
Type: Song Fiction. Light Slash. Angst. Sap.
Pairing: Murdock/Face
Status: Complete
Summary: Murdock musing one night about how lonely he feels at the VA sometimes, especially missing Face being beside him at those times. Murdock POV. Song Fiction with light-slash references. (This fan fiction is a direct prequel/companion to "Keep Talking, I'm Listening." and is best read in conjunction with that fiction, as it will help to make Murdock's motives in that story a little clearer).
Warnings: Light Slash references. Angst. Sap. Mild profanity.
Disclaimer: I do not own the A-Team characters, and am making no profit from this story, which is a work of fan fiction only. The A-Team characters solely belong to Universal, Frank Lupo and Stephen J. Cannell, and I thank them for their existence.
Thanks & Acknowledgments: To the beta readers: Karen Davis, Howlin' T-Bird and Val Thomas with deep thanks for all your valuable help, assistance and input. Thank you! :o)
Song: "Sometimes" -   2002 BMG Australia Limited. Vocals: Australian Singer John Farnham. Lyrics: Steve Romig - Orient Pacific Music/Remix Publishing. From the John Farnham album, "The Last Time".

Comment?: Sure. :o)

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

"I WISH I HAD YOUR JOIE DE VIVRE"


(Song-fic occurs between: "How Do I Say I Love You?" and "Keep Talking, I'm Listening")

 

 

*~*~* ~*~*~*

 

 

It's so damn hard sometimes, being alone.

Sometimes I feel all twisted about, frustrated, longing for so much, which seems just beyond my grasp.

 

 

"Sometimes I feel folded, like a piece of paper
Dirty with the fingerprints of unrepentant hands
Who never ever think about the words of love inside me

'Cause it's all so plain and simple that no-one understands"

 

 

There are times when the nights at the VA seem endless. Nights when sleep eludes me; when the waking dreams intrude to haunt me. When love seems so near, within my grasp, and yet, and yet, all just seems to slip away again.

Sometimes the days are no better.

Whereas in the night it hurts so deep inside to be apart from him, during the day it cuts like a knife. Chokes me. Smothers me with longing and a desire for more than this.

 

 

"Sometimes I feel congested, like peak hour in the city
Choking on the petrol and the diesel and the dust
I sit and wonder how we all could be so stupid
And I want to leave my vehicle and let it turn to rust"

 

 

The nights creep past, the darkness mocking me with its hidden dreams, and I ache. Every part of me aches. Aches so badly for his touch. For the sweet caress of his hands. For the sweet intoxication of his lips on mine, of our souls connecting.

 

Aches with the longing to hear his boyish voice, to hear the joy for life in it. To hear the way his voice dances with humor and delight when something amuses him.

When I amuse him.

When something makes his heart leap.

When I make his heart leap.

When something excites or challenges him.

When I excite him.

 

 

"And I wish that I had your confidence
I wish I had your smile
I wish I had your joie de vivre
Your innate sense of style"

 

 

The longing to wake up beside him every night is overwhelming. To wake with his protective arms around me, to hear him say...

 

"I love you."

But it's not meant to be. Not yet, anyway.

Sometimes it's such sweet agony being apart from him.

 

So close and yet so far from him.

He's a telephone call away, but it's still too far.

He needs to be here.

I need him here.

 

 

"And I wish I had your body near me
Warming up my nights
Saying oooh babe, baby it's alright"

 

 

My soul cries out to him sometimes, and I awaken the next day heavy eyed and drained.

Sometimes - seems like a lot lately - when life in general is getting me down, and all the little things seem so hard to cope with, when my mind whirls around like a kaleidoscope, needing Face so much at those times is nearly unbearable.

Thoughts of loving him used to help. Used to help a lot. Used to focus me. Make me feel steadier. Make me feel in control.

But lately...

 

Just lately...

It's so damn hard.

 

Sometimes I think it's too hard.

Sometimes I want it to end.

Our relationship, that is.

Surely it would all be easier without him? Without him right here in my soul, absorbing everything I am, everything I want or wish to be.

But I ache for him.

Burn for him.

Love him with soul crushing intensity.

God, I miss him in these in between times. These times between the missions, or the odd special days out which we spend together. These times of lonely nights, and maddening days filled with thoughts of him, and of longing.

 

 

"Sometimes I feel miniscule, just like an amoeba
Floating on a plate of glass watched by unseen eyes
And I feel so cold and lonely in that instant of existence
And I wonder if someone's watching me up above the sky"

 

 

Sometimes I feel like I'm choking, fighting for every breath.

Then along he comes and it all goes away, just for those moments in time, until he leaves again.

He visits; of course he does, whenever he can find the way, as often as he can.

If only he didn't have to go again, especially before the darkness falls.

I'm not sure I can go on like this; it messes with my head.

I love him and yet...

And yet...

And yet, I don't know what the solution is.

It's so lonely here sometimes.

 

 

"Perhaps there are no solutions
Perhaps just other questions
Maybe there's a meaning to my solitary life
And I know that there's no guarantees
There's just the pain of living
Perhaps there are no solutions
Maybe there's just life."

 

 

The phone is ringing.

How does he know?

I know it's him, 'cause he always knows. Something, some sixth sense seems to alert him. Always when I'm at my lowest point, he calls me, like a radar tuned to my emotions.

Sometimes it helps.

It used to help a great deal.

Only a few weeks back, even a few words with him, or a glimpse of him, or a touching of our hearts, would have steadied me, and grounded me firmly back in reality, anchoring me to him.

To life.

Now, these days, sometimes it just seems to make it all so much worse.

Picking up the phone, I listen for his well-loved voice.

 

"Murdock?" he says, sounding uncertain, sounding concerned.

 

"Yeah, ya got me, muchacho. Howlin' Mad in the flesh, larger'n life," I say, making the words flip as always, hiding away what's really going on.

He's not fooled, any more than I am by him, of course.

 

"Just thought I'd call, Murdock. Feeling lonely, I guess." And he does sound wistful. Trust Face to make it sound as if he needs me, when he must know it's the other way around tonight.

Trust him to help me find a way to save face in front of him.

Or is it?

Maybe he does need me?

Maybe it's not the other way around?

Maybe...

 

"Yeah, me too, Facey. It's a bit borin' here sometimes."

Boring? Wow, what a word. About describes my feelings as, as 'a tad warm' describes a roaring white-hot furnace.

 

"I miss you," he whispers, after a pause, the longing in his voice too real to be feigned, and my heart begins to skyrocket.

 

"You could always come on over, muchacho." I keep my voice casual, light, not quite serious. I don't expect him to. Don't even know why I suggested it. It's nearly three in the morning after all. He'd never be able to get in.

Actually, on the other hand, he probably could with his brilliant breaking and entering skills.

The question is; would he?

There's been silence on the line for a long minute now.

 

"Are you sure, Murdock?" And, aw geez, there's such longing in his voice. But also such nervous uncertainty, like he can't believe the offer is real.

Like he thinks he's being teased.

Like he expects me to laugh at his gullibility any second now.

 

"Yeah. Yeah, Faceguy. Sure I'm sure." More sure than I've ever been.

 

"I'll be right over, don't go anywhere." And now there's that excited boyish tone crept into his voice. Face's brand of the Jazz. He can't resist a challenge, and I just know he sees breaking into the VA at three in the morning as a challenge.

Me as the reward.

Just where he expects me to go...

 

"Stayin' put as ordered, Lieutenant Facey." My chuckle seems to make him happy.

 

"Love ya, Faceguy," I say after a slight pause.

 

"Love you too, darlin'." He drawls the last word out.

 

"See ya on the flip side," he then says, stealing one of my lines with amusement in his voice, hanging up without waiting for my response.

Face is coming and suddenly I can breathe again.

The choking sensation is all gone.

But God, I don't know how much more I can take of this.

I just don't know.

All I know is that I love him, and I wish I had his body near me, making everything alright.

 

 

"And I wish that I had your confidence
I wish I had your smile
I wish I had your joie de vivre
Your innate sense of style
And I wish I had your body near me
Warming up my nights
Saying oooh babe, baby it's alright"

 

 

Now he's lying here in my arms - breaking in no obstacle to the Faceman - a smile on his lips, eyes closed in contented slumber, and for a while, everything feels alright.

But...

I don't know.

I just don't.

 

 

Sometimes I feel folded, like a piece of paper
Dirty with the fingerprints of unrepentant hands
Who never ever think about the words of love inside me

'Cause it's all so plain and simple that no-one understands

Sometimes I feel congested, like peak hour in the city
Choking on the petrol and the diesel and the dust
And I sit and wonder how we all could be so stupid
And I want to leave my vehicle and let it turn to rust

And I wish that I had your confidence
I wish I had your smile
I wish I had your joie de vivre
Your innate sense of style
And I wish I had your body near me
Warming up my nights
Saying oooh babe, baby it's alright

Sometimes I feel miniscule, just like an amoeba
Floating on a plate of glass watched by unseen eyes
And I feel so cold and lonely in that instant of existence
And I wonder if someone's watching me up above the sky

 

And I wish that I had your confidence
I wish I had your smile
I wish I had your joie de vivre
Your innate sense of style
And I wish I had your body near me
Warming up my nights
Saying oooh babe, baby it's alright

Perhaps there are no solutions
Perhaps just other questions
Maybe there's a meaning to my solitary life
And I know that there's no guarantees
There's just the pain of living
Perhaps there are no solutions
Maybe there's just life

 

And I wish that I had your confidence
I wish I had your smile
I wish I had your joie de vivre
Your innate sense of style
And I wish I had your body near me
Warming up my nights
Saying oooh babe, oooh babe, baby it's alright

 

 

"Sometimes" 2002 BMG Limited Australia
Vocals: John Farnham - "The Last Time" album, 2002.

 

 

Fini. :o)

Written By: Casper

 

First Posted: April 19, 2003.

 


Other Titles In This Trilogy:


I Wish I Had Your Joie de Vivre by Casper

 

 


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