by Capt. Night Owl © J.E. Barton 2002
Rating: NC-17 SLASH!!!
Warnings: M/M sexual situations, references to masturbation.
Summary: My last ditch attempt to deal with the "Catch-22" world of psychiatric drugs, based on actual events in the RL hell of yours truly.
Disclaimer: I don't own 'em, gosh darn it to heck anyway. (Do you mind...I'm cursing!)
Comments appreciated...advice accepted.
Lieutenant Templeton Peck sat on the edge of the bed watching his soul mate sleep. He found himself doing that a lot lately. Ever since Dr. Richter changed the pilot's medication he was alone at night. Not physically alone of course but he felt so lonely.
They had been together as lovers for a long time. Even through Murdock's breakdown Face had survived on the knowledge they would always be of one heart.
The new meds appeared to be doing the trick for the pilot. During the day he was more stable than he'd been in years. Even BA had noticed it. The Team's last few cases had gone smoothly, without the Big Guy needing to throttle, threaten or even growl at the Crazy Foo'. Life with Murdock was positively peaceful and it was beginning to get on Face's nerves.
It seemed ridiculous...he missed the old Murdock...the Murdock that turned a cut up table cloth into a super hero costume...the Murdock that drove BA to duct tape his mouth closed...the Murdock that had no problem getting a hard-on!
There! He finally let himself admit it! He missed rolling around on sweat-dampened sheets with his lover. No matter how he tried to convince himself he was being selfish there was no denying it...he was horny as hell!
However the problem went deeper than that. The physical connection between them was gone. After they discovered the unfortunate side effect of the new drug Face deliberately tried to stay away, not wanting to pressure his lover to perform or to embarrass him if he couldn't.
There were nights when his need for physical release was so strong that he would lay next to his sleeping partner and take matters into his own hands, imagining it was Murdock's loving touch milking the tension from his body. Afterwards all he wanted was to fall asleep in his lover's arms, but was afraid to touch him. What if he thinks I'm trying to seduce him? What if I can't stop myself from trying?
Frustrated by his own weakness, Face stood up, padding silently across the carpet and out onto the balcony. Staring down at the moonlight reflecting off the waves he let the sea breeze wash over him, praying it would clear the fear from his mind. Was this really a side effect of the medication or was something wrong? Had he done something to make Murdock change his mind about being his life mate? He felt tears welling in his eyes and he angrily wiped them away. How could this be
happening to them?
He spun around to see a very sleepy Murdock clad only in boxers standing in the doorway. The sight was enough to send a charge of electricity straight through him. All he could hope was the moonlight behind him cast enough of a shadow to hide his obvious arousal.
"I woke up an' you were gone ...you okay muchacho?"
Face smiled sadly and turned back to lean on the railing. "Yeah...just couldn't sleep. Thought some fresh air might help." Especially if I could direct a cool breeze down my shorts, he thought ruefully. "Go back to bed...I'll be right in."
Murdock watched his lover turn away, knowing he wasn't telling the whole truth. He also knew Face wouldn't volunteer the missing information. He pressed himself against his lover's back, snaking his arms around Face's naked chest. The con man's body stiffened in his embrace.
"Tem...please tell me what's wrong," Murdock whispered against his neck.
"Please, HM...stop teasing me..." a trembling voice replied.
"I'm not teasing Facey...I just wanna know what's bothering you."
Face tried to pull away but the pilot refused to let go. "Please...I just want to go back to bed."
"Not till you tell me what's goin' on."
Face finally gave up struggling and sagged against his lover, his whole body shaking, realizing he had to confess. Murdock spun him around and hugged him to his chest.
"...I miss you so much..." Face gasped into his shoulder.
"I'm right here, Tem, larger than life, how could you miss me?" Murdock said with a chuckle.
"You don't understand!" Face shouted in frustration, pulling away. "We sleep in the same bed but we may as well be miles apart! It's been so long since we made..."
"...love," Murdock finished sadly, "I know Face, I miss it too."
Face nodded, calmer now. "I'm so afraid to touch you...just thinking about even holding your hand makes me hard!"
Murdock couldn't help but giggle at the image that came to mind. "Well that gives a whole new meaning to the term HAND JOB!"
"Seriously HM... it's not just about sex! I was afraid you'd think I was being selfish. If I can't touch you then I can't hold you or kiss you...or connect with you!" Face gasped in frustration. "I guess I'm
afraid I'm gonna lose you."
This time it was the pilot who had tears in his eyes. He pulled his lover into his arms and Face returned the embrace with all his strength. "I'm so sorry, Face. I didn't realize the side effects were
affecting someone other than me."
They pulled back from each other, both wiping away tears. Murdock managed a smile. "If the bad guys could see us now!"
Face smiled back "This is definitely not good for our image."
Murdock felt his emotions welling up again. It felt so good to see Tem smile again.
The wind was beginning to pick up, making them shiver due to their lack of clothing. Together they went back inside and sat next to each other on the bed.
"Face, I'm gonna stop taking the medication."
"No! You can't do that!"
"Sure I can...I just gotta make sure my life insurance is paid up before BA starts pummeling me again."
"Can you be serious for a minute?"
"I am serious. I can't stand the thought that this is hurting you. I'm not satisfying your needs. That's important to me."
Face shook his head. "Listen to me...you can't just throw away all the progress you've made since you started on this drug. There are other ways my...*needs* can be satisfied. Okay...maybe self abuse isn't as much fun as the real thing but at least I won't explode every time I see you climb out of the shower dripping wet wearing nothing but a smile."
Murdock blushed. "I'm sorry...I didn't realize..."
"It's not your fault." Face winked and grinned wickedly. "It did give me some excellent fantasizing material!"
Murdock grinned back and moved closer to the con man. "So you've been fantasizing about me?"
Face gulped, acutely aware of the pilot's radiating body heat. "Um...yeah."
"...and holdin' my hand will get you hard?"
"...ahh...yeah...that would do it..."
"How bout if I do this?" Murdock moved closer still, brushing his lips against Face's waiting mouth.
Face squeezed his eyes shut in concentration as he suddenly felt trapped inside his boxers. "What are you doing? I thought you weren't up for this...if you'll pardon the expression."
The pilot smiled. "Ya never know lover...it's been awhile. Maybe we can get the ol' joystick to work.. Wanna take a chance?"
Face wanted nothing more than to take him in his arms but he hesitated.
"...but what if you can't ..."
Murdock slipped his arms around his lover's waist and pulled him close.
"Tem, let's not worry about what might not happen. I just wanna be close to you...as close as we can get."
Face smiled and nodded, wrapping his arms around the Captain, pulling him in for a kiss. Like a man deprived of water Face drank in the taste of his lover, his hands roaming & caressing the body he'd ached to possess for so long. Together they lay back on the bed after shedding their abbreviated clothing. Face let his hand stray down the pilot's taut abdomen into the soft curls surrounding his erection.
"Looks like you rose to the occasion," he panted.
"So far so good, muchacho." Murdock rolled the con man onto his back and climbed on top. Face pressed his slick hardness against his lover's, matching him thrust for thrust.
"Oh God! I'm not gonna last very long HM!" Face gasped.
The Captain suddenly jumped up, grabbing the lube from the bedside table.
"Then I want you inside me!"
Face sat up, taking the tube. "Are you sure?"
Murdock smiled and moved onto his knees until Face stopped him. "I need to see you...to get lost in your eyes..."
Murdock sighed sadly but nodded. As he rolled onto his back Face saw the reason for his sudden change in tactics. His lover's once rigid shaft lay limp against his belly.
"God, Murdock...I'm sorry..."
"Face...I want you inside me...please?" the pilot pleaded.
Hesitantly Face lubed his fingers, then pressed them against the entrance to his love's body. The sweet intrusion made his lover gasp as he squirmed down on the slick digits.
A moment later the fingers were replaced by Face's solid shaft. Murdock held his gaze as his lover began thrusting. Ocean blue locked with liquid brown and their physical connection became spiritual as well. Murdock watched Face's eyes glaze over as he approached climax. Seconds later his whole body shuddered and he cried out, his orgasm wringing the pent up frustration from his body. Completely spent he collapsed on to the man he loved more than anything in the world.
Murdock hugged him tightly, desperate to maintain their connection. He felt his lover slip from his body but didn't let go. Face was real good at keeping things bottled up but the pilot always found a way through the con man's barriers. It killed him to think he hadn't seen this coming.
"Facey?" he whispered to the semi conscious blond.
"Hmmm?" a sleepy voice replied.
"We need to talk."
"Can't it wait till the mornin?"
"No, cuz you'll just clam up again and we'll end up right back where we started."
Face rolled off the pilot, gazing back at him with a satiated smile. "I sure like where we ended."
Murdock rolled onto his side, propping himself up on his elbow. "We're haven't ended this yet."
Face's smile faded as he looked into his lover's eyes. "Is there anything I can do to get you UP again?"
Murdock shook his head. "That's not what I'm talking about."
Face sat up. "Well, there's gotta be something I can do."
"I'm okay with it." The pilot replied with a shrug, "It's a catch-22, Faceman. The head on my shoulders is feelin' pretty good but the other head ain't too happy."
"Aren't you frustrated?"
"Not really...I feel like I'm runnin' up a steep hill," Murdock replied as he sat up, using his hands to help illustrate his story, "and at the top is a cliff. If I get to the top I can jump off and soar like an eagle! So I run as fast and as hard as I can to get there but when I finally do there's no cliff...just flat ground. Then it just slopes gently back down on the other side. The feeling just kinda goes away."
"Am I doing something wrong?"
"It's not you, love. There's somethin' chemical goin' on inside me. With all the medications I've taken over the years I guess I've just been lucky that it hasn't happened before. I can talk to Richter and have him adjust the dose. That should help."
Face sat in silence for a moment, considering what he just heard. "So what do we do in the meantime?"
Murdock slid closer to the blond lieutenant and embraced him. "We spend a lot more time doin' this!" Face smiled and relaxed into the hug. "I want you to do something for me Facey."
"If you ever start to feel...disconnected...again would you PLEASE tell me? Maybe I can't make love to you the way I want to but I can still make it good for you."
"But that's not fair."
Murdock smiled devilishly. "Don't worry muchacho, as soon as I get my plumbing problem fixed you can make it up to me."
Face smiled back. "Is that a promise or a threat?
"Wouldn't you like to know!"