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We'll Never Know

We'll Never Know
By Becki


Rating: G - it's a little sad if you're the sappy type.
Summary: Someone From Murdock's past is thinking of him.
Comments: It's the first fiction I've had the guts to download so please be nice.
Disclaimer: A-Team aren't mine. The Omega Defence is from the film True Lies - I couldn't think of a better name so thank you to the writers of that film. Oh and the song is by Kate Winslet - I've put little < > so that you know when it starts and ends - how helpful!



<Here I stand alone
With this weight upon my heart
And it will not go away>


How long had it been? 5 minutes. Five minutes since she'd last thought of him. He spun around her head, like a whirlpool, sucking her in with his smile, tender touch, love.
She sighed.
If only it had been that long since she'd last seen him. 13 years was too long...too long. The weight was unbearable...it was always unbearable...but somehow she had managed to live with it. Somehow...over the years...it seemed to get lighter...or was it just that she was getting stronger? Who knew...but it still hurt.

<In my head I keep on looking back
Right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made you change>


Looking back...she was always looking back...moving forward...but always looking back. Her career had taking off big time...after he'd gone...but her heart had stayed still, frozen in time...to that moment when he had first walked into her life. He had just waltzed into the recruitment office...and had just stood in front of the desk. She'd just watched him walk past her, past the waiting area up to the receptionist...and her heart had caught in her throat.
There was something about him. From his blue sneakers, to the baseball cap planted slightly angled upon his head, to the way he just held himself...She never believed in love at first sight...but what else could it be to create such an emotion so strong in her? There was no other explanation. And when he'd turned, recruitment paper in hand and had moved across straight towards her and sat right next to her in the spare seat - she couldn't breathe, her skin went all tingly and she shivered inwardly at the overwhelming feeling. She looked down at the floor, trying to get her feelings in check.
*Calm down, for God's sake! What the hell is wrong with you? You don't even know the man!*
But somehow she felt that she did. He had one of those faces, just so familiar. And then when he had turned to her.
"Uh...excuse me ma'am. You have a pen I could borrow?"
"S...sure."
She tried smiling, as she 'calmly' reached into her purse.
*For crying out loud! Calm it, Kate! I mean what is this - you're stuttering now!*
She pulled the pen out and looked up at him, keeping her head slightly low and looking up under her eyebrows like a shy school kid. He reached to take it, looking at her as he thanked her.
And he had stopped...his hand on the pen, just touching her own. It was like a jolt of electricity had gone right through her...and from the look on his face, he'd felt it too.
Their eyes locked for what seemed like an eternity. His deep brown, caring eyes locked on her emerald green hues.
*Oh God, please...don't let this moment end...ever.*
And then finally he spoke, smiling half knowingly.
"Do I, uh...know you?"
It took a moment for her to answer him, her mouth dry.
"No, I don't think so. I think I'd remember you."
"Same here."
And then he had smiled - such a beaming smile, lighting up his whole face and more. And she had smiled back.
Click. That was it. That was the moment - the moment that they had fallen in love.

<Well I tried but I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind>


She felt the tears welling up in her again and she clamped down hard. She looked across the office...everyone was sitting at their desks, getting coffee, or chatting with others. No-one was looking towards her, no-one had noticed her slip in concentration, thank God. She glanced at her work partners office - the blinds were closed and she partly sighed. He was the only one who knew her better than anyone else. They had been friends for so long - too long. He knew why she was the way she was. He was very observant - well you had to be in that line of work - but he also had a way of persuading her to talk - of understanding. He knew about the love that she had lost and how it ate at her every day. She was thankful to have him as a friend.
She shook herself mentally. She had work to do. She moved the mouse to stop the screen saver that had been playing and started searching through her files.
Sometimes she wished that she had never gone into this line of work. When she had met him...she had followed her dream and had been a newly graduated doctor. Then...when the war had broken out...and they had asked for people to help she couldn't say no...she had to help - it was in her nature. When she had heard about the appeal she hadn't wanted to be on the front line - she would have rather stayed behind to take care of the returning soldiers...but then she had walked past the recruiting office...and something - she didn't know what - had made her go in and fill out an application.
If she hadn't she'd have never met him...she'd have never known a love as strong...and she wouldn't be where she was now. Sometimes she regretted it...because then she'd have never felt the loss and would never have to live with it everyday...but at other times she was thankful to feel something some people never felt in her life...to feel...just 'once'...the touch of his hand in hers, the tender kiss of his lips, the way he just made her feel so special that the whole world would disappear every time he showed her loves wonders. She knew that what they had only happened once in a lifetime.
And now...being a part of something that went against him and his friends. Part of something that maybe he would have frowned upon now. That hurt her...but still she did it...she'd been there too long...and there was no turning back. He probably thought she was dead...most people did. She looked at the symbol on the wall that stood for everything she believed in.

OMEGA DEFENCE

A deep government group - defended the innocent from dangers they probably didn't even know existed. She did love her job, knowing that she was making a difference in the world. But it didn't stop her thinking of what she could have had.

<What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess, we'll never know>


Why? Why hadn't she stopped him when he had walked away, locked himself in his mind, away from the pain, hurt, bad memories - and away from her - pushing her away to save her. And why had she let him? Why had 'she' walked away? If only she hadn't been hurting like she was...maybe she would have stayed...helped him - anything!

<Many roads to take
Some to joy, some to heartache
Anyone can lose the way>


Why had they taken that road? There were so many possibilities back then? If only she had stayed in 'Nam for his last tour...helped him with his breakdown...then she'd have been there when his Team had been arrested...she could have helped him when he had been taken to the VA. Why had she walked away after he had returned from his third tour - she knew that he had been through so much - what with being gunned down...being caught by Charlie...he had changed...he wasn't the same man she had fallen in love with - he was closed up, reserved, he pushed her away - so roughly. When he had shouted at her to leave him alone...to never come back...her heart had broken...no...smashed. She had walked out - why the hell hadn't she stayed? But everyone makes mistakes...we're only human...we can lose our way...that doesn't matter. What matters is that we at least try to find our way back - that's where courage, strength lies.
She was angry at him, angry that he hadn't tried to find the way back...and angry at herself for not trying to get over the heartbreak...and to find her own way back.

<And if I said that we could turn it back
Right back to the start
Would you take the chance and make the change>


Maybe she could still help him. Maybe she could go to him...she could try and take back the last 13 years, back to what they used to have. She could try to find her way back. They could work things out - she could help him. Yes - that could work - all they needed was a little time.
She stood from behind her desk and grabbed her purse and jacket. She walked to the exit and through the series of security checks she went through everyday, out to the building cover up of accountant offices. From there she walked to the car park and jumped into her corvette.
She was going to see him. She had to see him - they could go back to before he had that breakdown...before his third tour in 'Nam - that's what had done it. If only she had stayed after that - if only she hadn't given up on him and gone home with other nurses finishing their own tours. With hindsight that was such an easy thing to say, but she knew that she couldn't have done anything else - her own pain was too unbearable at that time, he'd hurt her - unintentionally but he had still hurt her.
When they had first arrived it had been hard. Their relationship had blossomed and this was the first real time they were separated. And all those injured soldiers - she had been so busy. But seeing him flying them in time after time - it kept her grounded, kept her sane...he was her rock. And every time he would wink at her and blow her a kiss before lifting off and flying once again into the distance. And every time she would pray that he would return to her. He always did.
He'd write to her...even though some of the time he was only a matter of yards away...he'd still write...he'd tell her how much he was missing her and how much he loved her...and she always kept the letters close to her heart.
What had gone wrong?

<Do you think how it would have been sometimes
Do you pray that I'd never left your side>


She pulls into the VA car park and parks in the nearest empty space. The taking a deep breath she gets out of the car and heads over to the main entrance and up to the reception desk.
She asks to see Captain HM Murdock and after a few minutes an orderly comes to take her out to the gardens. He points over to where Murdock is running round a grassy area throwing a ball around, then running after it.
She thanked the man, not taking her eyes off of him. The orderly nodded and left.
She couldn't take her eyes off him. He looked exactly the same as the last time she'd seen him. When he had first been brought here - unbeknownst to him she had watched him arrive and taken to his room. It had broken her heart...if that had even been possible. He wasn't the same...ever. Even now...he was outside playing with what could only be an invisible dog.
She sighed.

<What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried>


She sat down on the picnic bench next to her and just watched him. What could their life be like now...if she hadn't left him, if he hadn't had a breakdown, if they hadn't gone to 'Nam in the first place.
She imagined a big house, with a white picket fence, car in the garage - such a corny image of a perfect family. He looked so lively running about in the gardens and she imagined what he could have been like with their children - because they would have had children. Four to be exact - a set of twins - one boy and one girl. Then another boy and finally another girl. Perfect. And of course the girls would be just like her and the boys just like their father. They would have a huge garden with a slide and swings. Murdock would own his own private jet - and earned money from his own airstrip where he would teach people to fly and she would own her own surgery - right next door to their house so that she wasn't too far away from her family. And then there would be his close friends - the group of people known as the A-Team. And of course they wouldn't be on the run - and they would also have families and live close by.
Her time in 'Nam had made her good friends with all of them - and she had treated all of them at some point or another. She knew them well. Hannibal would have found himself a sturdy, confident woman and they would own their own horse ranch. BA would have opened a drop in centre for children with a petite woman - not dissimilar to his mother that could keep him in line...and Face would have found a caring, sensitive woman who loved him very much. Kate knew that Face always had a problem trusting people because of his background and the woman she imagined would love him so much that he would never feel the insecurities of being alone - it was a woman who understood him and his ways and loved him all the same - she always knew how he felt and always knew how to make him fell better. They also had a couple of kids that he absolutely adored, and they worshipped him.
She smiled to herself at the image she had conjured up in her head. She jolted herself out of her thought and looked across the gardens. Murdock was no longer running about. He had sat down on some stone steps and had a book in his hands. He was staring out into space in thought.
Was he thinking about her? If only.

<If we could only turn back time
But I guess, we'll never know

If only we could turn the hands of time
If I could take it back would you still be mine>


He looks so innocent sitting there. She could see the pain in his eyes, deeply hidden from everyone else...but she could always see it. It was a dull pain now...dulled over the years. She didn't feel that she could go up to him. She could just imagine what it could do to him. If his mind was still fragile...from knowing that she was long gone...walking up to him could push him straight back to that dark place in his mind that he had so obviously worked so hard to get out of.
And she finally knew that going to him now...it couldn't change what had happened between them...no matter how hard they tried they would never be able to go back to what they used to have. She had to stop dreaming...she had to draw the line between hope and foolishness. There was no chance of them going back to what she missed so much.

<Cos I tried but I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind
What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
What if I had never walked away
Cos I still love you more than I can I say>


She loved him. She would always love him. She would love him from afar and hopefully he would love her from wherever he was. They had shared so much in their short time together. He had shown her so much...he had made her feel so special...and she had tried to make him feel the same...he said that she did. They would fulfil each others dreams...show each other things that some people could only imagine. She could live forever on just one touch of his hand, his lips...one moment in his presence. They could sit forever just looking into each others eyes - hours would go by and they wouldn't notice it. They had been so close...knowing each other inside out...it was as if they were connected...linked by some mysterious force that only they could feel. When they were together the world would just end...and all there was...was him and her and a sky full of stars.
But now...she would just have to live with their star-crossed existence - always close...but only at a distance.

<If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know>


She takes a deep breath and makes one of the hardest decisions in her life. To walk away. But this time the walking away would not be the falling off the horse...it would be the getting back on. To walk away...let him go...live the life he had made for himself without her.
She didn't want to ruin that. She had already screwed him up once by going the first time...to just waltz back into his life and expect him to come running back was unfair. She had to live her own life. It was time to let him go...she'd held on for so long with her guilt and pain...she had to move on with the life she had made for 'herself' without him.
She stood, unnoticed, and walked away.

Murdock looked around, feeling a presence he hadn't sensed since...he shook his head. It can't have been her. She was half way across the world...God only knew what she was doing. He had heard that she had died...it had broken his heart...but then he had heard that it had all been a cover up - for her to join the service...go undercover. He thought about her everyday. What was she doing now? Was she still in the service? Did she have a family? Was she still a doctor? Did she ever think of him...?
*Of course not - not after what you said...you pushed her away...hurt her...she probably hates you...*
He mentally kicked himself.
*Don't think that. She doesn't hate you...she knows you...she knows you didn't mean it...*
*Then why did she not come back?*
*Because you hurt her...she probably thinks that you still hate her...*
*Never...*
He sighed. He would have to live with that decision. But he would still love her...wherever she was...he would love her...they were close...even if it was from a distance.

< We'll never know>

The End - or maybe not ... sequel coming soon.

 


We'll Never Know by Becki

 

 


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