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The Seduction of Templeton Peck
Rated NC-17 (Humorous)
I do not own the A-team (though I wish I did). Hannah,
Sabrina, Jay, Amanda (that's me =>)) and are my friends and cohorts.
I have also made some slight cross over with Sentinel (Blair belongs
to them), and to Captain Planet. The names of our characters have
been changed to not protect their innocence. So have fun and enjoy =>)
This is rated NC17 for implied slash, perhaps a little actually
slash, dripping with sexual induendo of any and all sorts, I'm not
sure about cuss words, no character deaths...I hope I've covered it
all. There's a lot of bad stuff in here, but it's not really what you
think so please just read a little of it before you pass judgement.
It's suppose to be funny rather then serious.
Hanniball was investigation the teams new potential client Ima Vagina
who had been told to go to the street corner of west boulevard and
9th street around 8 p.m. and await further instructions by that horny
old Chinese man that ran the laundry.
Hanniball always being one to choose a disguise most befitting to his
surroundings decided the least conspicuous disguise in this case
would be a male prostitute. He had really out done himself this time
too. He was dressed head to toe in a tight black leather outfit which
Murcock referred to as a "trez chic ensemble". Unfortunately or
perhaps most flatteringly, because Hanniball deciding it best to
arrive early to survey the area, he had been propositioned 5 times
already. Three of these propositions came from pleasantly overweight
undersexed woman who Hanniball profusely apologized too after
refusing their less then appetizing offers along with two male
propositions as well that were by far more appealing to Hanniball.
Not necessarily more appealing because Hanniball was gay, but because
statistics show that gay males have more difficult finding compatible
partners compared to straight females, which make them slightly more
attractive in appearance and slightly more desperate than the homely
women. Also because statistics a show that men (a.k.a. Hanniball)
have a greater primal need for sexual intercourse then women as well,
which thus makes anyone look good.
Well Hanniball was in the middle of dispersing his 6th proposition of
the night a rather persistent person and one of the most homely
looking women Hanniball had ever seen. She simply refused to take no
for an answer and was trying to pull Hanniball towards her awaiting
limo. The strange women insisted she was a famous singer called
Brittany Spears and that entitled her to have any prostitute she
wanted. Hanniball couldn't help but fear this girl if she was really
who she said she was. He remembered one day right after the war and
the team's escape from the military when they were driving along in
the van, Murcock had gotten the radio stuck on a pop music station
and a Brittany Spears song had come up. After only a few moments of
listening Murcock begin pulling his hair out, Templeton Pecker began
banging his head against the window, Hanniball was working on self
strangelazation, and B.A. in the most kindly gesture he had ever
shown had attempt to put the team out of their misery by driving the
van careening off a bridge. Hanniball even suspected that song in
itself is what had driven Murcock off the deep end in the first
place. How could that "music" even be considered popular music. It
was a public menace. It created men like Dougie Kyle and General Chao
for God's sake. Fortunately Brittany Spears was carted off by several
horny men being mistaken for a prostitute herself with her over
application of makeup and the skirt that rode up her ass allowing
Hanniball to escape in time to catch up to Mrs. Vagina before she
" Hello lady. Looking for a good time tonight? I come with all the
baggage and batteries are included." Hanniball replied sexily.
"Oh...Oh God No! I mean...No Thank you. I'm looking for someone." Ima
Using an old pick up line Pecker often-used Hanniball
responded "Aren't we all looking for someone in this lost confusing
world. And I think I just found my soul mate." Hanniball smiled as he
leaned in close.
"Maybe you better check your crystal ball again." Ima said rather
testily and was about to walk off.
Why is it that that line always seemed to work better for Head,
Hanniball thought. He must have better timing of something. "Oh Mrs."
Hanniball whispered in her ear as he grabbed her arm. "If you're
looking for the A-team you've found them. Follow me if you want to
continue our discussion."
Hanniball started to steer Ima away into a side street as he passed
by one of his fellow streetwalkers he shouted, "Hey Dick I've got a
little company to keep I'll be back in a while." Dick nodded in
acknowledgement and watched as Hanniball and his lady walked out of
site around the corner. Thank God he's gone Dick sighed in relief.
That old guy was scaring all the customers away.
Hanniball led Ima down a back alleyway and into an abandoned
warehouse that was completely dark inside. Ima was starting to get
worried. Hanniball stepped around her and switched on the light.
Three men were standing in the room. First there was a nice handsome
impeccably dressed man. If he had been posing as the prostitute I
would have said yes in a New York minute Ima thought as she felt a
ripple run through her body. Then she noticed a big black man that
turned the ripple into a cringe. And then she noticed the third man
leaving her mouth agape. He was standing behind the big black man and
appeared to be trying to hump! him. Hanniball also noticing this was
as calm as ever as he turned to Pecker and asked, "What's this" and
tilted his head towards B.A. and Murcock.
"Oh Murcock is pretending he's a dog and right now I think he's
trying to mate with B.A. I believe Murcock said this was a new
therapy program called getting back to your animal urges or something
like that. Right Murcock?"
"Ruff Ruff." Murcock barked in affirmative and then stuck his tongue
out and started to drool all over the floor."
B.A. after hearing what Pecker had said turned around and discovered
what Murcock had been doing. B.A. grabbed him tightly by the balls
and growled out "I'll fuck you up real good in a minute if you don't
get away from me you crazy fool."
"Uh B.A." Pecker replied quietly. "I think that's what he wants you
"Shut up Head man or your gonna get some of this too." B.A. yelled.
Pecker remained unnaturally quiet.
Ima sensing the tension turned to Hanniball and said. "When you said
you hired out I didn't exactly have this in mind." Ima replied
pointing to his outfit.
"Oh don't worry this is just his night gig. HeadMan chirped up.
Hanniball glared at his lieutenant. Hanniball always got to talk to
the client first and until Hanniball had made the introductions the
team wasn't allowed to communicate with the client for any reason.
Those were the rules and Hanniball didn't like it when anyone broke
HeadMan got quiet.
"Well Team this is Ima Vagina." Hanniball introduced.
Murcock ran up to her and kissed her hand. "Your name sounds French
mademoiselle. Je suis une poulard. Je nage in the water und Je aime
to eat bugs. (I am a duck. I like in the Water and I love to eat
Do you know what you just say? Ima asked confusedly.
"Oui Madame. I was speaking zzzz language of LOVE! Doesn't it just
make you horny all over?"
"Riiiiiiiight" Ima replied.
"Murcock I haven't finished with the introductions yet." Hanniball
"Oh right Colonel. Sorry do continue." Murcock stepped back into line.
"Well Miss. Vagina you already know that I'm Colonel John "Hanniball"
Smith. Our French man and pilot over there is Captain H.M Murcock.
That hansom piece of meat over there is Templeton "HeadMan" Pecker."
"Why do you call him HeadMan?" Ima inquired.
"Because he gives some damn good head...or so I've been told."
"Hanniball!" HeadMan protested. He turned a charming smile on
Ima. "Hanniball wouldn't know because I'm not into that kinda thing.
I'm straight..... like a board, but this team seems hell bent on making
everyone think I'm gay. They're so jealous."
"Well I would know if you'd give me some." Hanniball retorted. "I'd
make it an order, but we know how well you follow orders." Hanniball
turned towards the large black man. "And last and by far not the
least we have B.A."
"Sorry again." Ima said. "But what does B.A. stand for?"
"Buncha Ass because not only does he have a big ass, but he also
likes to get a buncha ass if you know what I mean." Hanniball
winked. "Unfortunately for B.A. being the big man he is whenever he
tries to get it on with a women or a man for that matter he always
insists on being on top and ends up crushing his partner instantly.
So B.A. tends to be a bit testy which is understandable considering
he hadn't got any in over 10 years."
"Is sex all you guys ever think about? " Ima cried out. "Are you all
"No!" HeadMan chimed in quickly. "Not me. Straight as a board ...
remember? I'm the victim here. Imagine what it's like to go day
through day with these testosterone driven sex fiends trying to get
me in bed all the time. Hanniball and B.A. aren't really gay just
close to it. Basically because no women will sleep with them, but
then look at them what women would be willing to sleep with them? And
I think Murcock rides the fence."
"Oh does Murcock have trouble-finding girls too because of his
obvious mental condition?" Ima asked compassionately.
"Oh No. If Murcock here wanted to get a girl he could get them from
around the block. He just likes sex so much that he'll do it with
anybody. He'll eat anything too, but that's a different story."
Murcock pinched Pecker's ass and when HeadMan turned around to scold
him Murcock planted a kiss right on his lips.
"Murcock what do you think your doing?' Pecker demanded.
"Oh me. Just trying to get you to go to bed with me. I'll fuck
anything after all." Murcock smiled.
"Why is it everyone is always trying to fuck me." Pecker pouted.
"Why because your such a hansom man Head. Hanniball smiled as he put
his arm around Pecker's shoulder. "How about you and I go and have a
one on one debriefing at my place now that our meetings over."
Hanniball whispered seductively in Pecker's ear.
Pecker flung Haniball's arm off his shoulder. "Well if the meetings
over then I've got plans."
"Oh really where you going?" Hanniball asked
Pecker thought a moment and looked around the room until he found
Ima's gaze. "How would you like to go have dinner, a movie, and some
hot passionate sex with me?" Head inquired of her.
Ima for a moment looked aghast.
"Oh I guess not." Pecker said, "sorry I asked"
"Are you crazy, Ima cried out. "I've been waiting for you to ask me
that all night."
"Hey" Hanniball chimed in "When I asked you that you said no and ran
Ima turned and looked at Hanniball. "It's the outfit. It's just
sooooo unattractive. Now if you had on a beige coat, had on some
black leather gloves, and were smoking a Cuban cigar then I would be
all over you. It's a shame. Oh well." Ima smiled and put her hand
through Pecker's arm as they walked off smiling together.
Hanniball stood looking at where the departing couple had once been
still shocked that by being himself he could have got such a hot
babe. Then shaking his head he suddenly realized the team didn't even
know what the women's problem was yet.
Hanniball shrugged his shoulders and stuck a cigar in his mouth.
"Oh well. She wouldn't sleep with me."
Hanniball looked over to find his other men and a look of
exasperation came over his face. "Murcock stop humping B.A. You don't
know where that ass has been."
Little did Hanniball realize that HeadMan was out on a date with
another Decker plant. Now normally the colonel would have quickly
realized she wasn't what she appeared and resolved the situation, but
Hanniball immediately taken by a potential sex partner immediately
started thinking with his head instead of the one on top of his
Headman takes Ima to an expensive restaurant called "Chez Sexy"
located on the ocean. So there Pecker and Ima were sitting down to a
candlelight dinner at a table that overlooked the ocean.
"So tell me what do you do?" Head asked politely.
"Oh I'm a striper at the Bravo Club." Ima replied proudly.
"You're a striper? No kidding? Your not charging me for this are you?"
"No of course not. What would I charge you for. We're not doing
anything." Ima laughed.
"Are we going to be doing anything?" Pecker asked arousingly.
"Well nothing I would have to charge you for. Just dinner and
dancing. Innocent enough." She smiled back.
"You can't be serious! You're not going to have sex with me?"
"No. We barely know each other. Why would I have sex with you?"
"I can't believe this. You're a Decker plant. Your suppose to be
easy. All Decker's plants have sex with me. That's how it works
"What are you talking about? I'm not a Decker anything?" Ima replied
"Oh don't play stupid. We could tell you worked for Decker a mile
away. I buy you an expensive dinner and even offer to take you
dancing. Haven't I been friendly and charming this whole evening?
And even though I knew you were a Decker plant and my very freedom
was in jeopardy I still took you out for the evening. And all that
I'm asking for is a little bit of sex. It's not like I'm asking for a
vital organ. Sheesh... I'm out of here. You tell Decker he can forget
catching us if he's not even going to use bait that puts out. Oh by
the way since the military's paying your budget I'm sure you won't
mind paying the check. Ta Ta."
Pecker jumped up from the table and angrily stormed out leaving Ima
to pay for the check.
Colonel" Murcock ejaculated (No Murcock didn't ejaculate,
ejaculate. Ejaculate is a word that doesn't always pertain to sex
related actions ya know. PERVERT!).
"Yes captain?" Hanniball inquired.
"You did know that Ima was a Decker plant, right?"
"She was a WHAT!" Hanniball screeched.
"She's a Decker plant and you let Pecker go with her." Murcock
"Why didn't you bring this up while she was still here." Hanniball
"I thought you knew."
"Murcock if I knew why in the world would I have let head man go off
"Well Pecker knew." Murcock said defensively.
"He WHAT!" Hanniball exclaimed. "Did everybody know. Did you know
"Course I did Sucka. Do I look stupid? And don't you answer that you
crazy fool or I'll pound you into the ground got it!"
B.A. glared at Murcock who had his mouth open preparing a reply to
"I was going to say no of course not. So there!" Murcock said and
stuck his tongue out at B.A.
B.A. with the reflexes of a cat grabbed Murcock's tongue and held it
tightly in his fist while Murcock squirmed trying to get away.
"No you weren't Sucka. I know how you think and I know you weren't
"Yassss I Wasssss" Murcock mumbled in a high pitched voice.
"No ya wasn't. I don't like liars so you take your lie back or I take
your tongue out you got me!"
"Hannnnnnniballlllll" Murcock moaned as he turned sad pleading puppy
dog eyes on his commanding officer.
"Don't look at me Captain. You didn't tell me Ima was a Decker plant.
How do you think I look getting rejected in front of my men by a
Decker plant of all people. After all Decker plant's tend to have a
reputation of being easy." Hanniball pouted.
"Oh I wouldn't worry about that Hanniball." Pecker replied as he
entered the warehouse. "She wouldn't sleep with me either. Can you
believe it? I buy her an expensive dinner, take her out, out of the
kindness of my heart even though she's a Decker plant and she's going
to call Decker in before she even takes me to her place for some hot
passionate sex. I'm a fun guy to be around, aren't I? I'm attractive?
I'm charming? I'm good enough to sleep with, right?" Pecker whined
"I'd say so" Hanniball answered mischievously. "I'd sleep with you
Head. We're a team and I'll give 100% to the team, for the team, and
IN the team." Hanniball walked past Pecker slapping him on the ass as
he made his way to look out the window. Pecker jumped and grabbed his
ass protectively as he turned to glare at Hanniball.
"That's sexual harassment you know."
"So sue me." Hanniball replied nonchalantly.
Pecker choosing to ignore this losing argument brought the
conversation back to its focus point: Why Pecker hadn't got laid
"But seriously Hanniball this is very serious. What if I'm losing my
touch?" Pecker whined.
"Oh come on Pecker were both sexy guys. What real women wouldn't jump
at the opportunity for our "affections" Hanniball persuaded.
"Your right Hanniball. Let's face it you not much to look at, but me!
I'm a God! Women are attracted to me like a moth to a flame. So I
wonder what could be wrong with her?" Pecker pondered.
Hanniball and Pecker looked at each other a moment and then replied
simultaneously "Lesbian" and the subject was dropped their macho
pride still intact.
"Can't breathe! Help!" Murcock croaked having been being strangled by
B.A. throughout Pecker and Hanniball's long drawn conversation.
"Um Hanniball should Murcock be turning blue like that?" Head asked.
"Well I think that's completely normally when you're being
strangled." Hanniball replied calmly.
"Why exactly is Murcock being strangled this time?" Pecker inquired.
"He didn't tell me that Ima was a Decker plant. That's why!"
Hanniball said with a hint of annoyance as though it was the most
obvious answer in the world.
"But I knew that Ima was a plant and I don't see B.A. strangling me."
"That can be arranged." Hanniball replied bitterly. "Why am I always
the last one to know everything. No wonder my plans never work right.
I always have to do a front door maneuver just so I can find out
what's going on."
"Still can't breath." Murcock coughed out.
"Stop interrupting Murcock. I'm on a roll here." Hanniball
commanded. "Now like I was saying...You guys never tell me anything and
then when my plans go wrong because I'm under informed I'm to blame."
"Hanniball your just plain reckless that's why your plans go wrong. A
good leader would have debriefings so we could share our information,
but you never ask our opinions. You always have to be in control."
"Are you saying I'm a bad leader?" Hanniball snorted.
"I can't see. Everything is going black." Murcock cried out.
"Shut up Murcock. It's always ME ME ME with you, isn't it? I can't
breathe. I'm dying. I can't see anymore. Well I'm trying to help the
team out while your moaning and groaning over there. You always have
to be the center of attention..." Head shouted as Murcock.
"Don't yell at him." Hanniball protested. "I'm the one your so mad
at. He's over there dying and all you can think about is taking down
the mighty Colonel Smith."
"Someone.... Please...Help...me." Murcock pleaded weakly.
"Shut Up." Hanniball and Pecker yelled in unison.
"If you think your such a good leader then why don't you lead."
"Being as you're such a bad one then maybe I will." Pecker replied
"Well then oh fearless leader what do we do now?" Hanniball sneered.
"What do you mean, "what do we do now"? If you don't recall our
client was a Decker plant. I think we can unanimously vote that we
don't have a case anymore." Pecker snarled back.
"Actually I was referring to the fact that Decker is outside."
Hanniball said smugly.
"No he's not. He would have made his surrender speech if he was out
there." Pecker uttered.
"This is colonel Decker. You're surrounded. You have exactly one
minute to come out with your hands up."
"Well isn't that convenient." Pecker sighed.
"Isn't it though. So what's the plan." Hanniball asked insistently as
he sat back and enjoyed a cigar.
"Plan...The plan. Give me a second to think and give me that cigar
too." Pecker walked over to Hanniball snatched the cigar from his
mouth and placed it in his own then he began to pace back and forth.
"B.A...Can...I...ask...you....a question....before ....I lose....consciousness."
"Better make It quick fool. I don't got no time for ya jibber
jabber." B.A. growled.
"Why is it... that you're.... Strangling... me again. Lack of... oxygen.... Has
caused some.... Short term... memory loss." Murcock choked out.
"You crazy fool I'm strangling you sucka cause....Cause. Uh Hanniball
why am I strangling Murcock again?" B.A. growled.
"Don't ask me. Why don't you ask your commander in chief over there."
"B.A. put Murcock down and everybody get over here so I can tell you
the plan." After everyone had circled around Pecker continued. "Okay
this is the plan. Since Hanniball has decided to be a smart ass I've
decided he's expendable so we're going to send Hanniball out and
while their busy arresting him the rest of us will go out the back
way and speed away in the van." Pecker replied complacently.
"I don't like that plan." Hanniball moaned. "Surely you guys wouldn't
give me up to Decker would you? B.A.? Murcock? Hanniball turned to
look at them imploringly.
B.A. and Murcock averted their eyes and began to look around refusing
to offer a reply.
"Sorry Hanniball, but I think the team's answered." Pecker
smiled. "Ta Ta. Say hi to Decker for us."
Hanniball looked back at the team with a look of sadness and betrayal
on his face. How could his own team, men he'd have willingly died for
give him up so easily? Hanniball trudged outside and accepted his
Hanniball held out his hands in front of him and walked resignedly
"Here I am Decker. I'm all yours. You've finally won."
Decker cautiously peeked over his police car. "I don't believe you
Smith. Where are your men?"
"They're not my men anymore. Pecker took them over. I've been kicked
out." Hanniball said sadly as he looked down at his shoes.
Decker slowly rose and walked around the van until he stood in front
of Hanniball. "I don't believe you Smith. What could you have
possibly done to make your own team oust you?" Decker asked
"I lived on the jazz too hard and too long. I guess the team just got
tired of it." Hanniball replied.
"You're lying. Men move back." Decker and his men all moved a few
feet back from Hanniball as though he had contracted bubonic plague
"I'm right here Decker. I'm unarmed and alone. Why don't you just
handcuff me and arrest me already." Hanniball sighed.
"You've got something up your sleeve smith. I'm not going anywhere
near you." Decker snarled.
"Fine look here does this make you happy." Hanniball asked as he got
down on the ground on his stomach and placed his hands behind his
"Oh don't play this game with me Smith. I've seen this trick before.
The second I go over there and try to put handcuffs on you your going
to trip me and put a gun to my chest." Decker scoffed.
Hanniball jumped back up condescendingly. "Fine Decker if your not
going to arrest me then I'm leaving." Hanniball begin to walk forward
and Decker and his men took another step back each time that
Hanniball approached. "Decker you're getting paranoid. How long are
we going to play this game of cat and mouse? Throw me the handcuffs
and I'll arrest myself."
Decker still suspicious, but obliging threw Hanniball a pair of
handcuffs. Hanniball clicked them on his wrists. "There all packaged
up now what could I possibly do?"
Then all of a sudden the black van came crashing through the front of
the warehouse and screeched up beside Hanniball who only gawked in
surprise along with Decker and his men. The sliding door of the van
opened and a pair of hands pulled Smith into the awaiting interior.
Then Pecker gave Decker a smile and a salute before slamming the door
back and ordering B.A. to speed away.
Decker stood a few moments watching the van speed away in a shocked
trance. He was snapped out of it by his second in command who was
snapping his fingers in front of his face.
"Sir. Sir. Should we persue?"
"I knew it." Decker said still in a shocked state. "I knew he had a
trick up his sleeve. I just knew it."
"Um sir." Came the voice of his second in command. "If we had just
arrested him on the spot the team wouldn't have been able to get him."
"Shut up you idiot." Decker hissed.
Meanwhile inside the retreating van:
"Here Hanniball hold out your hands and I'll take those cuffs off."
Hanniball also in a state of shocked silence held his hands out
numbly. Pecker took a few minutes picking the lock then pulled the
cuffs off and threw them in the considerably large pile of handcuffs
the team had obtained from previous encounters.
"Hanniball...Oh Hanniball. You in there?" Murcock chanted as he waved
his hand back and forth in front of Hanniball's unfocused eyes.
"Murcock I think our Colonel needs a little incentive to come back to
the land of the living." Pecker winked.
Murcock replied with a knowing smile. He rolled his shoulders a few
times and shook his head back and forth in a circular motion. Then he
cleared his throat and smoothed back his hair before jumping up on
"Oh Hanniball...Hanniball." Murcock said in a high pitch feminine
voice. "Wake up Hanniball. It's Maggie and I'm naked. I'm ready for
my check up now doctor. I'm going to..." Murcock whispered something
inaudible in Hanniball's ear which seemed to do the trick because he
was pulled out of his trance and in the next moment had Murcock
locked in a deep passionate kiss while in the process of tilting
Murcock backwards in his arms. Murcock waved his hands in the air in
an attempt to escape the Colonel's powerful lust driven grip.
"Hanniball open your eyes." Pecker chided. "You're not kissing who
you think your are."
Hanniball opened his eyes and saw the still tilted Murcock looking
back at him with a mischievous glint in his eyes.
Murcock batted his eyes and in a high pitched feminine southern
accented voice said "Why I do declare Colonel. I didn't know you
Hanniball dropped Murcock who fell to the floor of the van, turned to
look at Pecker, and with a twinkle in his eye grabbed Pecker up in a
kiss similar to the one he had just given Murcock. While Pecker tried
frantically to push the colonel off him while muffled sounds of
protest escaped his mouth. Finally Hanniball released the lieutenant
who like a ruffled bird began straightening his hair and clothing
back into place almost mechanically.
Pecker gave Hanniball a disgruntle look, "For some reason I don't
believe you mistook me for Maggie."
Hanniball smiled back. "Your right. I didn't. That was for coming
back for me."
"Aw come on Hanniball you didn't really believe we'd leave you there...
did you? But if you ever kiss me again I`ll think twice about it next
time." Pecker threatened.
"What ever you say commander." Hanniball mock saluted.
"Ya...Ya...Ya... I am officially resigning my position as of now."
"Ah is the weight of command too much for you?" Hanniball smirked.
"Oh Please. That was a piece of cake. I was born to boss people
around. And for the record thus far I have managed to escape Decker
without a fast pace car chase ensuing, I have managed to avoid
getting a single scratch on B.A.'s ride, I have succeeded in having
not one hair out of place on the entire team, and not so much as a
shot has been fired. I'd say that's pretty good.... don't you? What's
your record?" Pecker replied smugly.
Hanniball glared daggers at Pecker.
"I have one question though. What took you so long? If Decker
arrested me you would have been too late." Hanniball asked curiously.
"Oh come on Hanniball. Decker would never believe you would just give
yourself up like that. It's just not in your nature. So while you
distracted the MPs with that little show of yours we got the van
ready and loaded. Decker and his men were acting like you had
leprosy. They wouldn't even get near you. You could have just walked
off and I bet you not a one of them would have stopped you." Pecker
laughed joined by the rest of the team. Pecker lit a cigar and
reclined back in his chair.
"So what now Colonel?" Murcock inquired.
"Well first of all I need a cigar." Hanniball grabbed the cigar out
of Pecker's mouth and put it in his own. "Um it tastes minty. Have
you been eating breath mints Head?" Hanniball beamed.
Head didn't say anything but snarled at him doing an excellent
impression of B.A. then turned away to look out the window.
"Well" Hanniball said in response to Murcock's question. " I'd say we
have one of two options. We can either take a vacation or take on
Pecker perked up at this. "Let's see spend a luxurious weekend on the
beach surrounded by beautiful women or get shot at by a bunch of
thugs. Gee that's a tough one." Pecker said sarcastically while he
held his hands like he was balancing the two options on a scale.
"Owww Ohww. I wanna go on vacation. Let's go to Disneyland!" Murcock
bounced up and down. He put his head on Pecker's shoulder and looked
up at him with puppy dog eyes. "And I bet Head can scam us one of
those sweets inside the park if we ask him real nice. Hmmm hmmm."
Murcock moaned like a dog while he started pawing at Pecker's shirt.
"I'll do what ever you want Murcock so long as you don't start
humping me like you did with B.A." Pecker replied quite seriously.
"Hmmm.... Hmmm..." Murcock moaned sadly as he curled up in his chair and
started to pout.
"You're going to put his therapy back months now Pecker." Hanniball
"We'll if your so okay with him going around humping people why don't
you let him hump you...Huh?" Pecker grumbled.
"I could, but I'd much rather let you." Hanniball said deviously.
"Not in a million years.... I'd rather spend the night with B.A."
B.A. perked up when he heard this. Pecker loved him? He'd been
waiting for this moment forever. He could feel a flutter in his
stomach.... was it love? No just the burrito he'd had for lunch. Oh
well love was a fleeting thing after all. If he could get some sex
out of this then it would mean something.
"Yeah Hanniball and I could spend some time working on mah van." B.A.
growled from the front seat adding his two cents to this business
about having some off time. Maybe some off time with Pecker? One can
only hope. He had said he would rather be with B.A. then with
Hanniball right? But then again Hanniball wasn't much of a prize.
"We're agreed then," Hanniball grinned. "We'll take on a new case."
"Hanniball that doesn't sound like what we agreed to at all. I'm
pretty sure everyone wanted to go on a vacation." Pecker protested.
"Now come on guys. We're getting flabby again; especially you Head."
"Why is it your always saying that Hanniball? I'm the skinniest,
healthiest guy on this team accept maybe for the exception of
Murcock. Pecker exasperated.
"Now Head you do want to keep that charming figure of yours don't
you?" Hanniball taunted as he moved his hand up Head's leg.
Head swatted Hanniball's advancing hand. "I think that area is as fit
as a fiddle thank you very much. I haven't gotten a complaint yet."
"I'm complaining." Hanniball moaned.
"You don't even know what it looks like. I know you haven't seen it."
"That's why I'm complaining." Hanniball smirked.
Pecker leaned back in his chair resignedly and pleaded in a last
effort, "I still don't see why we can't go on vacation. Hanniball,
you of all people could really use to meet some knockout babe and get
"Now Head if you were more obliging I would be getting laid right
now." Hanniball replied patronizingly. "Besides I'm the planner and
that means I get to come up with the plan."
"Told you he was controlling." Pecker whispered to Murcock.
"What did you say Lieutenant?" Hanniball commanded sternly.
"I said B.A. is an excellent driver that way he can control the van
like that and all." Pecker replied quickly.
*Yep he wants me BAD!* B.A. smiled thoughtfully to himself.
long...long............long..........long..........exhaustingly long car trip later which
lasted about 15 minutes, the team arrives in front of the Chinese
laundry. B.A. dropped Hanniball A.K.A. that horny old Chinese man off
in front of the shop grateful to have that old fool outta his van.
Hanniball had stunk his van up with the jazz and oh yeah some cigar
Hanniball moseyed into the laundry shop which smelled of that
delightful combination of laundry detergent and Chinese herbs that
just makes you want to retch your lungs up. Hanniball sighed inwardly
as he surveyed the store. Clothes were strewn everywhere and torn to
shreds all over the floor. The detergent had been overturned and the
store was in complete disarray. Now in most cases you would assume
that this was just a run of the mill robbing, but Hanniball knew
better. Robbers normally didn't senselessly destroy after all it was
just business. No this was the work of the police. Another raid! They
couldn't even wait till Hanniball reopened shop could they?!? Why is
it that the police assume that just because you run a Chinese laundry
your laundering money and drugs? Hanniball didn't know what it was,
but the police and military seemed to be made up mostly of complete
and utter fools, as B.A. would have so elegantly put it. Well the
better for Hanniball.
Hanniball sighed and shrugging his shoulders resignedly. He left the
store as it was while he slumped down in front of the cash register.
There was no point in cleaning it up no doubt they would be raided
again in a few days anyway. Now how to pass the time? Hanniball
almost immediately began to tap his nails against the counter top. He
wasn't one for inactivity. He could always work on his pet project,
operations STDS A.K.A. Seducing Templeton Down for Sex. Hanniball
grabbed a sheet or paper which he titled 10 reasons why Pecker would
have sex with me:
10. Because I'm the last human being on earth
so it's either me or lets just say one of our lesser animal species.
9. Because I order him to (but then again
when does he ever listen to my orders).
8. Because some bad guy kidnaps us both and
forces us to have sex at gunpoint to fulfill some sick perversion.
7. Because I persistently harass him until he
Hanniball was pulled from his line of thought when he heard the
tingle of the little bell he had placed above the door ring. Someone
had entered the shop. Hanniball looked up. Oh great it was the lesbo!
Decker's little plant actually had the nerve to come back.
"Hello Miss Ima Lesbo...I mean Miss Ima Vagina. What you doin back
here? Come to get clothes washed? Or maybe you interested in
our "other" services? I give good sex." Hanniball asked hopefully.
"No, I'm afraid not. I'm looking for the A-team." Ima replied.
"A-team? I know no A-team!" Hanniball said indignantly.
"Well could I leave them a message just in case they stop by?"
"No! No message! I wash clothes. I not a delivery service. Shoo! You
Leave! You scaring away customers." Hanniball came around from behind
the counter and moved his hands in a shooing motion.
Ima made a quick split second decision.
"Wait. I've changed my mind. I think I'd...LIKE to try out some of your
special services." Ima swallowed.
The Chinese man perked up at this. He walked past Ima and turned the
open sign to close and locked the front door then he turned excitedly
back to Ima. "We maybe go in back? I got real soft bed, real comfy."
Hanniball grabbed her arm before she could make a reply and half
pulled half dragged her towards the back room. He then left her
standing in the doorway and began running to and fro making
preparations. He turned the bed back, dimmed the lights, played some
soft classical music, kicked all the junk off the bed and the junk in
the walkway off into a corner, then turned seductively back towards
Ima with a glimmer in his eye. He pulled her towards the bed and
started to undress until he was down to everything except a pair of
boxers. Then he jumped on the bed and looked at Ima expectantly.
Ima turned to look at the Chinese man and noticed a glimmer in his
eyes. "Why are you crying." She inquired.
"This the happiest day of my life. Me get to sleep with beautiful
American women and get paid too."
"Um listen.... Ima said enticingly as she crawled up on Hanniball's
chest and brought her face close up to Hanniball's. "Before we start
I thought maybe I could handcuff you? Ima teased as she pulled some
cuffs from her pocket.
Hanniball was about to protest, but she continued on quickly. "You
see I can tell you're a real rough one and I wouldn't want to get
hurt in the heat of passion. Don't worry it will make it more
exciting. I'll have to do all the work. I'll make sure you have a
real good time." Ima ran her hand slowly down Hanniball's chest until
she got to the beginning of his crotch region before removing her
hand and going for her handcuffs. Hanniball in full sexual arousal
begged her with his eyes while she slowly handcuffed his right hand
to the bedpost and then moved over to his left hand and did the same.
Ima stood up after she had finished handcuffing both of
Hanniball's hands to the bedpost. A smile twitched at her lips. "Now
maybe you'll tell me where the A-team is?" Ima asked sweetly. "That
is unless you want to stay in handcuffs permanently."
"Ohh you arrest me officer? I been bad boy. You discipline me now."
Hanniball teased while he licked his lips seductively.
"Oh no, not me, but I'm sure my friend will be amply enthusiastic to
discipline you." Ima replied coldly as she turned on her heels and
walked out of the room slamming the door behind her.
Only moments later the door opened again and in walked Mrs.
Vagina with "Decker"! Decker looked at the naked mass before him with
barely disguised distaste.
"Mr. Lee I'm colonel Decker. I know you've been in contact with the
notorious A-team. You better tell me where they are right now or
you'll be thrown in jail so fast your head spins."
"My "head" spins. Oh are you coming on to me colonel? I gotta tell
you a little secret though; my "head" is already spinning. See"
Hanniball nodded towards a lump forming in his crotch area. "I've
always loved a man in uniform. Why not come over here and show me how
a real man salutes." Hanniball enticed as he stared hungrily down as
Decker's crotch region his fake Chinese accent long forgotten and no
one even noticing.
Decker in a mad rage grabbed Hanniball by the hair pulling
his head upward until he was looking Decker straight in the eye. The
military man was prepared to bombard the dirty old Chinese man with
every insult in the English language including a few choice words
like "queer" and "fag", but before his lips could even form the words
his fist came away with a chunk of hair clenched tightly in it. The
room gasped all except Decker who was still trying to make sense of
what had just happened. Decker pulled his eyes away from what was
obviously a wig and looked into the eyes of a now white haired and
embarrassingly noticeable man.
"Smith" Decker growled with a mix of embarrassment about
being fooled for so long and withheld happiness because he had
finally caught the leader of the A-team.
"So your Mr. Lee?"
"Who's Mr. Lee?"
"No, I'm Hanniball."
"No, Your Mr. Lee."
"So I'm not Hanniball?"
"Yes...I mean no...stop confusing me Smith."
"Smith? I thought I was Mr. Lee?"
Decker threw his hands up in exasperation. He was tired of
this game of wits. "Wits" being the inoperative word.
"Okay Smith, enough games, where are they?"
"A" Team, can you be more specific?"
"God help me Smith if you don't tell me what I want to know."
"First of all God can't help you, but if you come over here I could
be the answer to your prayers. Secondly what exactly are you going to
do if I don't tell you? Interrogate me? An "internal" investigation
so to speak. Hanniball replied erotically as he raised his eyebrow
Decker frustratingly turned his back to Smith and started
cursing under his breath while he pulled at his hair. As quickly as
the tantrum had came it left. Decker took a few deep breaths,
regained his composure, and turned back around with a calm smile on
his face. "Listen Smith. Why not make a deal? You give me what I want
and maybe I can give you something you want." Decker pulled a little
on Hanniball's elastic boxers and let them snap teasingly back into
place. Hanniball started to salivate slightly and his whole body was
shaking in anticipation.
"232 West Broadway." Hanniball choked out.
"You heard him." Decker snarled at his men. "Move out. Bring me B.A.
and Pecker. I'll stay here and keep the good Colonel company."
After Decker and Hanniball were alone Hanniball broke the
silence. "Now Decker how about that interrogation." Hanniball cooed
(that is if it is even possible for a 60 year old man to "coo").
"Hah," Decker scoffed. "You didn't really believe I would.... you know
what with you of all people. It looks like the great Hanniball has
fallen to his dick. I would have expected this of Pecker, but you!
Really Smith I thought you were made of stronger stuff then that. It
looks like you're not as smart as you think you are."
"So you're saying your not going to have sex with me?"
"You got that right. You catch on quick."
"Well then I guess it's a good thing I didn't give your men the right
address. They should probably be arriving at dear old Lucy's place
"Who pray tell is Lucy?"
"Lucy happens to be the head mistress of a lovely little whore house.
I'd say your men won't be back for a few hours so I guess that leaves
us a little time to get better "acquainted".
"That's where you're wrong Smith. My men are loyal. When they
realized they've been duped they'll be back."
"Now come off it Decker. They are men after all. Except that
lieutenant Peters I think he's a transvestite." Hanniball said
secretly. "If you had the opportunity to spend the day humping some
beautiful skirt instead of chasing after fugitives what would you do?
Oh yeah that's right you don't swing that way."
"What do you mean I don't swing that way." Decker said indignantly.
"Ah come on Decker. I saw you around back in Nam'. I don't think
those men you took into your tent every night were there to see the
Decker started to blush which brought a smile to Smith's
face. "What's wrong Decker embarrassed that your little secrets out,
maybe a little ashamed?"
"No," Decker said a little too quickly. "Just isn't common knowledge
is all. You caught me by surprise."
"Sure Decker just keep telling yourself that you homophobic."
"Well what about you. I know about you Smith you're as gay as it
gets. You were all over me a minute ago."
"Oh please Decker don't get cocky. For one thing I'm BI not gay. I'll
sleep with a man or a woman makes no difference I'm not picky. You
were just the sex thing currently available since Mrs. Lesbo didn't
"Oh I beg to differ Smith. I think you're very picky. So picky in
fact that you have a particular lieutenant we all know and love in
Hanniball began to squirm ever so slightly under Decker's all
too knowing stare. "Whatever makes you say that?"
"Oh come off it Smith. I know you as well as you know me. You think I
don't notice the way you touch all over Pecker? The kid can't get an
inch of breathing room when you're around. If you were any closer
you'd be humping him. Yet I don't think he'd take to kindly too that."
"What gives you that impression?"
"Well I normally don't associate looks of abject horror with love."
"I've worked him down to a slight grimace actually. I'll win him over
eventually. The kid adores me. I just have to work him up to it."
"More like you'll have to tie him up to do it. No matter though
because I'm going to seduce your dear lieutenant away from you. What
greater revenge then to take your plaything away? Besides I've gotta
get me some of that ass."
"I wouldn't get your hopes up the seduction of Templeton Pecker is
going to be a challenge..."
Pecker sat curled up on the couch pouting.
"Why do we always have to watch football?" Pecker moaned. "This is my
house. Why can't we watch something I wanna watch?"
"Cause I said so fool. If you gotta problem why don't you step in my
office." B.A. growled while he smacked his fist into his palm.
"No.... no problem here. Nothing I'd rather do then watch a bunch of
muscle bound men beat the crap out of each other for a little piece
of leather." Pecker hissed under his breath.
B.A. looked at Pecker from the corner of his eye and a smile
twitched at the B.A.'s lips. B.A. felt a tingle run up his spine. The
man was hot! He got chills just looking at him. He was definitely
going to enjoy getting Pecker into bed. Such a perfect body. Yum this
was going to be one of his most delicious conquests yet, but then
again it had been years since he'd had any conquests so who was he to
be the judge.
"I heard that sucka. Now you gonna pay the price." B.A. got up and
started walking menacingly towards Pecker.
"B.A. what are you doing. Come on man you don't want to hurt me. I am
are meal ticket after all." Pecker pushed himself deeper into the
couch and put his hands up to protect himself from the expected
attack. To his surprise, B.A. picked him up and through him over his
shoulder and started walking towards the bedroom.
"Uh B.A. where are we going?"
"We going to teach you a lesson." B.A. flung a squirming Pecker on
the bed and quickly tied his arms to the posts.
"B.A. what are you doing?" Pecker started to panic as he pulled
frantically at his bonds.
"I'm gonna show you what footballs all about. I'm gonna be the muscle
bound football player and you gonna be the football."
"As fun as that sounds I just remembered that I've got a hair
appointment in like 10 minutes. I really have to be going."
"You gonna be late. You might find you like "football" after you try
"No B.A. really I'm not the athletic type...Murcock is more into this
"We gonna play football and you gonna like it. You got me?"
"B.A. how am I going to play football when I'm tied to the bed. For
that matter why are we in the bedroom? Shouldn't we go outside if
we're going to play football. Head paused a moment as it struck
him. "We're not talking about football are we? Help! Help!" Head
started to shout in a panic.
B.A. just shook his head in frustration. How naive could a person
get? He was pulled from his reverie as he caught a glint of white out
of the corner of his eye. No it couldn't be. B.A. shook his head in
the hopes of clearing it, but the image remained the same. I must
really have sex on the brain B.A. sighed. He could have sworn Murcock
looked like a giant condom.
Murcock wore a tight rubber suit along with a matching white
rubber cap pulled tightly over his head. He also had a billowing
white cap to go with his white rubber boots. Finally he had a big red
C painted across his chest.
"Did someone call for help." Murcock said in a very super hero like
Head forgetting his current situation looked at Murcock with a
startled look on his face. "What in the world are you doing Murcock."
"I am not this "Murcock" character you speak of. It's a bird! It's a
plane! No, It's Captain Condom! Murcock sang out. I am Captain
Condom. Defender of sperm and egg. Making sex safe everywhere."
"Why you doin that fool." B.A. growled at having been disturbed.
"Yeah what brought this on?" Head chimed in.
"Well doctor Richter told me I was sexually repressed. He told me I
needed to get back to my animal urges...remember? We even had a
few "special" sessions in my bedroom. He taught me some great
techniques. The guy in the next room swears I was being tested on by
aliens what with all the moaning and all." Murcock gleamed.
A silence filled the room as though something of monumental
importance had been said. Head and B.A. turned to look at one another
with looks of concern written on their faces then shrugged in
disinterest and the subject was forgotten.
"Murcock do you think you could give me a little help here." Head
"I'm not Murcock! I go by the name Captain Condom now!"
"Alright. Alright. Captain Condom will you please help me." Head
"Why sure oh headed one. Here what size do you take?" Murcock reached
deep into both of the pockets on his costume and came out with two
big handfuls of different sized, different brands, and different
"What" Head looked at him confused.
"Well it looked to me like you and B.A. there were about to get it
on. Now I couldn't just let you have sex without protection. I know
you might not be that type, but I'm going to have to insist you wear
a condom if you like it or not. Those evil STDS could invade your
body if you don't protect yourself. I can't stand by and allow you to
let yourself be victimized by those little devils just because you
don't like using condoms."
"Hey man you saying I got STDS." B.A. growled as he lifted Murcock up
by the shirt collar.
Murcock started to squirm in an attempt to free himself from B.A.'s
grasp. "Course not you ugly mud sucker. But as Captain Condom always
says "Wear protection or get an infection."
"I'll give you an infection fool." B.A. pulled his fist in
preparation for a knock-out punch.
"Guys stop it. Look at the time. Hanniball should have been back by
now. Get me out of these handcuffs. We better go check on him. Decker
may have him."
B.A. and Murcock looked at each other and made a short term truce
until the crises had been averted.
B.A. eyed Pecker and looked him over once more. Then sighing deeply
he unlocked the cuffs. No sooner had he done this Head was jumping
away to the other side of the bed.
"Let's roll guys." Pecker took command. "B.A. you warm up the van
while me and Captain Condom here get some supplies."
Pecker grabbed some guns, extra clips, and some grenades to add to
their already gigantuan stash while Murcock grabbed some lubricant."
Pecker lifted an eyebrow at this.
"Hey condoms go on better with lubricant you know." Murcock replied
Head just shook his head in an all too used to resignation and walked
outside. Followed quickly by Murcock. Pecker quickly jumped into the
back of the van and started to polish his gun with a cloth lying
"Hey Pecker shouldn't you be sitting in Hanniball's spot? You are in
command now." Murcock inquired.
"Uh Captain Condom why don't you sit in the front seat." Pecker said
trying to stay as far away from B.A. as possible. "You could be our
look out in case any unwanted STDs show up."
"aih aih Commander." Murcock saluted and jumped in the front seat by
B.A. "Don't worry you ugly Dicksucker I won't let those nasty STDS
B.A. just growled, but remained silent and continued to drive at
brake neck speed.
Finally after another one of those impossibly long 15 minute rides
the team pulled up in front of the Chinese laundry. Now normally
pulling up in plane sight would have been a stupid move after all
they could easily be spotted from their position, but considering
this was the military they were dealing with it made little
difference where they parked because the military never seemed to
catch on. They could have put a big sign up that said the A-team is
here and the military still wouldn't have picked up on it.
The team all piled out of the van. Head began to pass out the
weapons first to B.A. and then he held out a rifle to Murcock. He
hesitated as he realized Murcock was still in his costume. Pecker
quickly pulled the weapon back before Murcock could grab it from his
outstretched hand. "Uh Murcock.....I mean Captain Condom. Why don't you
wait out here and act as back up. We're going to need someone to keep
a look out for us."
"You got it. I won't let any of Decker's men near the place or more
importantly any STDS."
Head gave him a patronizing smile and a thumbs up "Yeah Captain you
stay here and do that" Head started to walk towards the Laundry
followed by B.A. Head whispering under his breath "so long as you
don't come with us. We certainly don't need to give Hanniball anymore
ideas. A condom for gosh sakes. What's he going to be next Penis
Man." Head shook his head and then turned to look at B.A. as they
were almost at the door and he had yet to come up with a plan. "
Alright B.A. here's the plan. If you haven't guessed yet we're going
through the front door. And depending on if the MPS are in here we'll
shoot our way out either way."
"Got it man. Your basically saying we're gonna go through the front
door right into their waiting laps, try to take down probably about
30 soldiers with two guns while they have a hostage, get caught, then
come up with a plan using weird stuff lying around us as weapons, and
then ride away into the sunset with everyone alive and unscaved even
though there was several humungeous explosions and gory overturned
cars containing people who didn't have time to put on their seat
belts in their attempt to escape."
"Yep that sounds about right. You're really starting to get this all
down. You just forgot the part where after we're captured Murcock
comes and rescues us and then we all get recaptured again."
"Ah Does he have to? I can't stand that crazy fool. Why don't I stay
as look out and when you and Murcock get captured I can saved your
"Now B.A. we all know that the second we got caught you would burn
rubber to get out of here. Murcock is too stupid to run. He's got
this weird philosophy about loyalty and staying with your unit and
weird crap like that."
At that moment they arrived at the front door. B.A. grabbed it by its
hinges and threw it aside then Head entered gun at the ready followed
by B.A. the room was completely empty.
"What's going on? Where is everyone?" Head said aloud. "Hanniball you
"In the bedroom." Hanniball called.
"Oh that's just great Hanniball we come all the way down here to save
your neck from the MPS and the whole time your in there getting your
cock sucked. I swear Hanniball we should have let the MPS arrest you.
Your getting way too horny in your old age."
"It's not like that." Hanniball protested. Silence followed. "Alright
it was like that at first, but I didn't get my triple DECKER after
"What are you talking about Hanniball what does getting a hamburger
from McDonalds have to do with your not calling in because your
getting it on?"
"NO you don't understand I could "Deck" myself for not calling."
"You should sucka. You don't even know what I missed out on cause of
you." B.A. growled, as he looked lustfully at Head.
"On second thought Hanniball maybe I should be thanking you for being
an insensitive jackass. It's always number one isn't it. You never
think about the well being of the team. I bet if Decker was here you
wouldn't even warn us."
"I could "Deck" you for saying that Pecker. I always put the team
first. Most of the time I even let you go through the front door
first. There's gratitude for you. I'm always so under appreciated.
Why don't you guys get out of here before I give you both a "decking"
if you know what I mean."
"Hey man if anyone's gonna get a decking it's you. You better come
out here right now or I'm coming in. And if I have ta come in then
I'm gonna get rough."
"I'd listen to him Hanniball he plays a mean game of football and he
doesn't play touch football he goes for "full contact."
"Both of you get in here now. Your so stupid I can't believe it took
this long to catch you. What's he gotta do put up a neon sign. Well
it's too late now. I've got a gun pointed at one of your
colonel's "vital" parts and I'm not afraid to use it."
"Decker" B.A. and Pecker cried in unison as they ran into the
backroom. Hanniball was tied hand and foot to the four poster bed
while Decker had a gun pointed at Hanniball's crotch region.
"Um Decker I don't think that's too vital a part. Why don't you do us
all a favor and go ahead and shoot. Maybe Hanniball won't get so high
on the jazz after that." Head chided.
"Now Head how could you say that. I thought we had something special?"
"Hey man!" B.A. growled at Decker. "What ya think ya gonna do? You
think you gonna capture all three of us with that one gun? Hanniball
ain't that important."
"Your right B.A. I don't see any reason to stick around here. We'll
see you in 30 to 40 Hanniball. Have fun with Decker. Lets go B.A."
Head and B.A. turned to go.
"Wait!" Decker called. "Your not serious are you? You wouldn't just
leave your commanding officer? You're the A-team for God's sakes."
"Sure why not?" Pecker inquired. "We've been with him over 15 years
already. I think that's long enough, don't you?"
"Oh no.... I've already seen this trick today." Decker scowled. "You're
going to distract me by making me think your going to sacrifice your
commanding officer. While I'm busy gloating over my victory you'll
sneak outside, jump in your van, ram through the door, and jump out
with guns blazing to retrieve your comrade."
"Are you really that delusional Decker?" Pecker sighed. "Your one man
with one gun. Do you really think we would go to all that trouble? If
we wanted to rescue Hanniball I'd just do this." Head with catlike
speed grabbed the gun out of Decker's hand and had it pointed at
Decker in only seconds.
"Now what we gonna do man." B.A. snapped.
Head sighed resignedly. "I guess now that we've got all the fire
power we have to save Hanniball."
"Man do we gotta?"
"Fraid so B.A."
"Hold it right there." Ima Vagina cried.
Pecker and B.A. turned around to be met by Ima Vagina and several MPs.
"Isn't this convenient!" Pecker threw his hands up. "Why do they
always have to show up right when we're about to escape free and
clear. This is all your fault Hanniball."
"No it's not. It's your fault Pecker. If you hadn't been piddling
we'd have all been out of here before the MPs even showed up."
"No it your fault Hanniball. You just some horny old man gotta cause
all kinds of trouble." B.A. chimed in.
"I don't know what your talking about B.A. you're the one who always
has to get everyone riled up. You're always trying to beat everyone
up. And maybe if you hadn't been messing with me today I would have
been thinking clearly and we could have gotten out of this." Pecker
"Shut up man. If you'd just given me some we'd all have been happy
and we could have just forgotten about Hanniball. But oh No you gotta
go and save his ass."
"If you had any brains to go with that bronze you would have been
able to do something other than just sit on your ass all the time
waiting for someone to tell you what to do. Hanniball shouted.
"It's your fault."
"No it's your fault."
"It's both your faults fool."
"Shut up you ugly dicksucker."
"Kiss my ass lieutenant."
"Stick that cigar up your ass Colonel."
"Stop all the belly- aching and put your hands up." Decker said
Pecker, B.A., and Hanniball ignored Decker and continued to argue
over who bared the greatest amount of blame for their current
"I said put your hands in the air...NOW" Decker growled as he fired two
shots in the ceiling.
Pecker, B.A. and Hanniball still continued to ignore Decker, carrying
on their argument undeterred.
"Put your hands up your stupid fools or I'll shoot you right now."
Decker snapped his face turning a dangerous shade of red.
All three-team members abruptly silenced their argument and turned
angry eyes upon Decker causing him to take a step back.
"Did you just call us stupid?" Hanniball clamored. "I may be old and
I may be horny and you can even call me a washed up has been, but
don't ever call me "stupid". I'm smarter then you'll ever be. You
still haven't really captured us your lesbo over there did.
"Hey" Ima protested. "I'm not a lesbian."
"Ah shut up lesbo." Decker muttered as he realized how right Smith
"Don't call me stupid either." Head protested. "I may look really
good and I may be really charming, but I'm not stupid. Anybody with a
suit this expensive and an ass this tight is not stupid."
"You ass is tight?" Hanniball inquired casually. "I never really
noticed. I knew it was nice, but I didn't realize it was tight too.
Turn around Head let me have a look."
Head turned around placing his tight ass in front of Hanniball. "See
how good it looks in these jeans. You could bounce a quarter off this
"Now Head those could just be tight jeans. How do I know that you
really have a tight ass. Here move closer let me feel it."
Head moved closer before he suddenly realized what was going on. "Oh
shut up you horny old has been."
"Hey man I ain't stupid neither." B.A. growled in his own protest.
Head and Hanniball turned to look at B.A. with skeptical looks.
"Um B.A. how many times have we knocked you out just to get you on an
airplane. I believe we've used the sleepy pills in the food trick
about 100 times by now." Head prompted.
"A'right so I'm stupid, but I can kick your ass. So don't call me
stupid or I'll pull your head off." B.A. hit his fist in his hand
"Uh right sergeant Baracus. I'll remember that." Decker replied as he
took another step back. "MPs take them away."
B.A. glared at the approaching MPs showing them his teeth. The MPs
quickly moved back.
"Uh sir..?" Decker's second replied. "We all know how important this
capture is to you. Why don't you do the honors?" He handed Decker a
set of handcuffs.
"Um sure.." Decker hesitantly took the handcuffs and slowly
approached a menacing B.A. and silent Head. Decker continued to walk
towards B.A. coming closer and closer to that glaring angry face then
at the last second swerved and stood in front of Pecker. "Lieutenant
Pecker you are under arrest."
Head sighed and turned around placing his hands behind his back.
Decker smiled as he handcuffed Head's right hand.
"Ouch" Pecker yelled. He swerved around and punched Decker in the
face producing a bloody nose. "Not so tight. That hurt." Head whined.
Decker's MPs started to snicker.
"Get these men out of here including their horny commander too. I'll
deal with them in a minute." Decker moaned while he covered his nose
with his hands in an attempt to stop the blood flow.
"Don't worry we still have Murcock." Hanniball reassured the team as
they were escorted from the room.
Murcock woke with a start. He had been lying asleep on top of the
van. Sure he had been on watch for about 5 or 10 minutes, but it was
soooooo boring. He couldn't sit out here all day and wait on them. So
Murcock decided a little nap couldn't hurt anything. Unfortunately
his nap had lasted about 4 hours. "Where are those guys. You think
they could have come out here and woke me if they were going to get
captured. I assume they expect me to rescue them now. That's just
great. There's probably about 20 MPs in there. How am I suppose to
get to the team with all those guards hanging around." Murcock hurt
his stomach growl. "Well if Captain Condom is going to save the day
he's going to need something to eat. They're just going to have to
wait until I get some nourishment. My side kicker Little Wiener here
needs to keep up his strength too. Murcock smiled as he patted his
crotch. "Don't you worry Little Wiener we'll get you all fixed up
before we go fight bad guys. Murcock continued to talk to little
Wiener as he walked away in search of food.
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