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More Than Words
by Hayley May
Sequel to Mechanical Genius. Just what did Face and Murdock have to say to each other?
Warning:- strong language again, slash, sex and rape but more explicit than in 'Mechanical Genius'.
Part Two of Trilogy
The nightmares were the worst. That was when everything came back to haunt him. Sometimes he was sure he was back there, back in that hut with the Vietcong soldiers surrounding them, jeering and laughing. They were tired from the beatings they had endured. Naked, there was little area of their bodies where they had not been hurt. But they hadn't broken. Not that he thought the plan was to get information from them. No, the guards just wanted to hurt them and break their spirits. Intimidation and humiliation were their methods. Very successful methods they were too. It messed with people's heads so they were never the same after that. He had never been the same after that.
Sitting on the couch, Murdock closed his eyes briefly, wishing he still smoked. If there was anything he wanted at this moment it was a cigarette, something to steady his nerves. Truth was, he hadn't smoked since 'Nam, since his breakdown. He had only started then as a means of escape but he had gotten somewhat addicted to it, physically and mentally. Then he'd had his breakdown and he had of course stopped, more out of necessity than want. By the time he had recovered enough of his sanity he no longer found he needed to smoke, so he hadn't. There had been no point after all, but there were some days, like now, that he wished he could have something to take this edge away.
He shouldn't have allowed Frankie to get onto that conversation, but hadn't been thinking. Actually, scrap that, he had been thinking, he just wished what it had revealed had been different.
Face had lied all the way through. He had slipped effortlessly into his conman outfit in the blink of an eye. It hadn't been his words that had given him away but his hand movements. He had gone to touch his tie despite the fact he wasn't wearing one. Murdock had long since realised that this was a kind of deflection on Face's part, a response mechanism for when he was uncomfortable. It was always something he did when he lied to the team, partly due to the guilt he felt. They were family; they didn't usually lie to each other unless they absolutely had to.
Face had lied about Amanda Carter. Murdock could only think of one reason why and it wasn't due to Face's embarrassment of losing his virginity later then the others, other wise he would have said he had been 14 or something. No, this was something else.
He had tried so hard to move past that day in the camp, forget what had happened. The sights, the smells, the tastes... God it didn't take much to go back there sometimes. He didn't want to go back there, the memory was enough to fill him with uncontrollable guilt. He had... had... raped (God he hated that word) raped his best friend, taken his virginity none the less. In that place, in that damp disgusting place with the guards watching and enjoying the show, he had... oh God.
He pulled the cap from his head, screwing it tightly in his fists. They had had no choice. There had been no other way. But there was always another way, wasn't there? He didn't know any more. He was confused. So confused.
BA was back from upstairs, but there was a different look on the big mudsucker's face. A deep worried and concerned expression buried deep in those dark eyes.
"Is Face okay?"
He needed to know, but he couldn't handle going up there. Not at the moment.
BA said nothing for a few seconds, just went to pick up the car he had been fixing earlier.
"Face needs time to think."
He was spinning the wheels now, checking that they worked. That was all Murdock needed. He had become good over the years at picking up people's emotions. Maybe it was because he had spent most of his adult life in a nut house.
"He told you, didn't he? About the camps?"
BA looked up in surprise, which started Murdock wondering just what Face had said. There was no doubt in his mind that BA now knew, well knew some of it, the basics at least.
"I was his first, wasn't I?"
Again BA said nothing and that was again. The silence spoke louder then any words possibly could have.
He hadn't meant to swear, he knew how much BA hated but, it just kind of slipped out of him.
He could smell the musty dirt, sense the young man's anxiety, feel the damp skin. Face's first time. Face's virginity. He had taken his friend's virginity.
"I... I wondered..."
"no, I prayed..."
Face's stiff nervousness.
He could feel himself falling back there. He could taste the sweat as he... as he forced himself... Oh god. Face's cry of pain. The shock. He didn't want to hurt him. He didn't want to...
"...I tried, I tried so hard..."
The muffled gasps. The groans of pain. The damp stickiness.
"He... I remember..."
He was back there. The scared twenty-one year old kid who had been given that ultimatum; fuck his best friend or watch him be killed. He had done what he had to in order to keep them alive. But surely there would have been a better way? An easier way? Surely?
He jumped as a hand touched his shoulder, drawing him back to reality. He wasn't in that damp hut anymore. The guards weren't sniggering as they watched. Face's body wasn't trembling below his... He was trembling himself. Didn't even remember when that had started.
"You ever talk to him 'bout it?"
It was BA's voice that finally grounded him. It took a few seconds for the words to register, but when they did he finally shook his head.
"Go talk to him. You need to sort this out."
Talk to Face? He wasn't sure he could do that. What would he say? The pain, the disgrace, the heart wrenching guilt. He had taken his friend's virginity. But it had been more then that. It was slowly killing him, had been for years, but more now than ever. Talk to Face? It seemed so simple. The worst that could happen was that Face refused to talk, or just killed him.
"When did you get so smart BA?"
Nothing really ever got past the big guy. He should have known that.
He nodded and smiled, wanting to thank his friend but knowing he didn't have the words. Making his way upstairs, he stopped by Face's room and knocked before pushing the door open and walking in, making sure it clicked shut behind him.
Face was lying on top of his bed, body turned away from the door towards the window. At first he didn't even acknowledge his presence, but after a few long seconds, Face turned, smiling somewhat weakly at his friend.
"Hey Murdock, what you doing?"
Murdock said nothing for a few moments not sure what to say. He could feel his friend's gaze on him, waiting for an explanation. Closing his eyes briefly, he found himself back there again. He could see the fear in his friend's eyes. Feel Face tremble as he gently ran his lips over the bruised body. Hear the heavy breathing of the watching guards. God, he had been aroused then. He had raped his best friend and he had... what? Enjoyed it? God, what kind of a sick pervert had he been?
Face was beside him now, reaching out to touch him. Those eyes, the same eyes that had met his afterwards... after he had taken his friend's virginity.
He pulled away, almost stumbling. He couldn't look at them. Not then, not now. Oh God.
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..."
Face said nothing for a moment as Murdock sank onto the edge of the bed.
"You remember, don't you?"
There was a big gap between them now; one stood by the door running his hand through his hair, the other trembling as he perched on the bed.
Seemed like a popular word today.
"I was hoping you had forgotten, your breakdown and all."
He wished. No, there were some things he could never forget. The stiffening of his friend's back as he forced himself in...
the feel of being buried deep within his friend
the cries as he had moved backward and forward, harder and deeper with each thrust
the steady build towards climax
the explosive surge, the engulfing pleasure, the overwhelming guilt.
"I raped you."
God he hated that word.
So lost in the past, he wasn't aware of his friend's movement till the arms wrapped firmly around his shoulders, drawing him into a tight hug. He couldn't fight it, didn't have the energy to, so he just buried his head in his friend's chest and wept.
He wasn't sure how long they sat there for, only that when his trembles finally abated, his cheeks weren't the only ones damp with tears that should have been cried years before.
"Murdock, listen to me, look at me"
those same blue eyes
"It wasn't your fault. You didn't rape me, I consented, remember? We did what we had to in order to survive."
"I hurt you, Facey. I tried not to but I heard you cry out."
"You didn't hurt me, Murdock..."
"I took your virginity..."
"But you didn't hurt me. Not like those guards would have. Better you than them..."
"I hurt you, and I... I came!"
"You did what you had to."
"No, no... it was more than that."
His words trailed off and they sat there in silence. Slowly Murdock pulled himself from his friend's grasp, moving further away. Face let him, standing up and walking a few paces away.
"I wasn't your first, was I?" he finally asked after a pause. "You'd been with other men before me."
Face's tone was simply neutral, no surprise, no hate, no condemnation.
Murdock just looked away. The guilt, God the guilt.
Face was running his hands over his face again, through his hair, once, twice. He sighed.
"I was nineteen years old," he started softly, "and a virgin when we went to that camp. I was so scared but I tried not to show it. I had heard about what could happen to us. I prayed, I prayed so hard that we'd escape, that the guards wouldn't... wouldn't take us first. The beatings I could take, even the pain. I could smile my way through those afterwards, but then it changed..." His hand stopped briefly in his hair. "They took us, stripped us, beat us. I thought... I really thought that would be it. That that would be when..."
"No, Murdock, let me finish. I prayed so hard, I begged and pleaded in my heart..."
"Something, someone must have heard. The guards... they changed their minds. I had no idea what they were saying. You did though. When you went pale I feared the worst. Their smiles, their laugh... Then they shoved you to your knees, stuck a gun to my head. I could feel the cold barrel against my temple. I thought this would be it. Thought that they would either rape us or kill us, or even both. I remember closing my eyes. They were screaming at you, you said something back. Then I heard the safety catch flip off. I, I really thought this would be the end. Then I felt you, you were gently touching my thighs, your hands gently stroking..."
"Stop, please..." Murdock's words came out broken and hoarse, the tears streaming down his face, matching the ones trickling down his friend's. But Face didn't stop.
"I opened my eyes, and there you were, kneeing in front of me, your palms on my thighs, your, your fingers gently... You looked up at me, hesitant, questioning. I could feel that gun digging further into the side of my head. They were shouting at you again. Then you mouthed 'I'm sorry' and... and leaned in..."
Murdock's throat caught but he couldn't make out any sound other than that of a broken sob. He remembered. Remembered so vividly. The shouts, the threats, the gun and Face's gaze. He had had no choice.
"You... you took me in your mouth, gently suckled. I... I closed my eyes, shocked. I hadn't imagined. The pleasure, the feel of your mouth... It was more than I had ever imagined. I was hardening. Despite everything, the guards, the gun, the damp musty smell, all I could think about was your mouth and your tongue. I started to feel disgusted. Not because you were another man, but because I was responding to you, enjoying it so much. I tried so hard to bite back the moan. Then they pulled you from me. I was panting and aroused. The shoved me to that ledge that ran through the middle of the room. When they had first brought us to that hut I had wondered what that ledge was there for. They made me rest my hands on it and lean on it, bending over, legs apart. I couldn't feel you, didn't know if you were still there till they shoved you into me. I knew then what they wanted.
"'They want you to fuck me, don't they?'
"Your voice was low when you responded.
"'They'll kill you if I don't.'
"It made sense. I remember thinking that I didn't want to die. Not then anyway. I didn't want you to have that sort of thing on your head.
"I consented Murdock. I wanted you to do it and thank God you did. You were so gentle. It hurt at first, but then the pain faded and the pleasure started. I thought I would die, especially when you hit that spot. I thought my legs would collapse on me, give out. I have never felt anything like that. Your arms were wrapped around my waist, pumping me in time to your thrusts. I could feel myself building. Then you came and I, I saw stars. Everything exploded in that moment and, and then I realised where I was, what had happened. I felt guilty. I hadn't felt anything like that before, but they, they had forced you. You wouldn't look at me. I felt so guilty. You had taken my virginity, but, I, I had enjoyed it. God!"
He ran his hands over his face again. Murdock looked at him, his eyes swollen, his cheeks damp. He watched his friend.
"I'm... I'm glad you enjoyed it, Facey. I... I didn't want to hurt you. I wanted you to... I didn't want to hurt you."
"You didn't hurt me, Murdock. What you made me feel... I've never felt like that again."
Murdock looked up in surprise.
Face nodded, slowly moving back to the bed to sit by his friend.
"Really. I couldn't, couldn't face doing it with another man, but all those women, none of them made me feel that way you did."
Murdock didn't stop his friend from gently touching his face, gently stroking away the pain.
"We should have talked about this years ago," Face continued, "but I was afraid... I was afraid you wouldn't remember and I'd just be making things worse."
Murdock caught the hand, covering it with his own, holding it still against his cheek. They sat there, blue eyes meeting brown and they said nothing. More was spoken in that silence then any words could have said in a decade. The guilt they both felt slowly started to seep away, the pain, the hurt, and all there was left was two figures looking into each other's souls.
It was Face who made the next move, gently drawing his face in till their lips gently pressed against the other's. Murdock froze, surprised but...
He moved forward and the pressure became a kiss. Parting his lips slightly, Face used his tongue to trace his friend's bottom lip till the lips parted and the kiss deepened further. The sensations were indescribable. No one either of them had kissed in the past had ever made them feel like this, like... like they were coming home.
The need to breath pulled them apart. Hands still joined, eyed not wavering, the connection between them never broke.
"I love you, Facey."
The words that had brought him so much guilt over the years.
The replying smile was dazzling.
"I love you too Murdock, always have, always..."
The rest of the sentence was absorbed in their next kiss, two bodies drawing closer to each other. They made love that evening, the way it should have been the first time, before drifting off to sleep, spooned together, new memories replacing the old. They had come home.
Continued In "The Conman and The Pilot"
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