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Prove It (Sequel to The Flip Side)

Prove It (Sequel to The Flip Side)
By Sharkshape


Rating: R
Summary: Trauma and hurt is not a good combination. (I know it's not much but I can't say anymore right now... I don't know
anymore!)
Warnings: Slash. I'm not sure what exactly I'll put in the story all together since it's not finished yet but I think mental anguish
is the biggest one. Mention of m/m rape, not graphic. Suicidal thoughts. I shall update part 0 should the contents change!
Pairing: M/F
Disclaimer: Not mine! Wish it be so...
Author's note: Still many thank yous to my betas. Hugs and kisses to you! I did research for this sequel. But mostly I just felt my way into writing, didn't think too much about it. Research came in handy when I double-checked reactions and uncharacteristic behavior.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$

 

Part 1 (Murdock)

Have to get it off. The blood is everywhere; I have to get it off. I'm scrubbing.

It hurts.

And it's still not going away!

I feel hot everywhere.

What kind of being...

Was it something I did? Did I somehow do SOMETHING?

There has to be a reason! Damn it!

I strike the ceramic wall; the water is rippling down my body. It's red. The blood isn't gone; it's there! Again! Why can't I get it off?

The door opens. NO! I can't let anyone see the blood can't let anyone see how... how disfigured I am. How dirty... Can't let anyone see the blood.

- Murdock? Are you okay?

I have to answer; have to get the words out! Come on! He'll go away then. He will! Then I can be myself again, be alone... rub the blood off me.

He won't let me do it. Won't let me rub it off. He has to go so I can be clean. Has to. I have to be clean. Have to get his stench off me.

- Oh my God Murdock, what did you do to yourself?

He sees the blood. No, he can't! I can't let him know I'm hurt, can't let him know I'm dirty. I'm not worth the attention. It's my fault; it has to be. There wouldn't be any reason. There has to be a reason why this happened! I must have done something wrong, must have provoked some kind of reaction. It's my fault. It has to be.

He approaches. Too close! No! Not twice! You can't get me! I have to get away!

He raises his hand, slowly. Slowly. So I won't be worried but I know better. Oh God! I know this face. It's... it's Face. I can't hurt him. But I can't let him touch me; he'll be dirty too. Don't want him to be dirty too. Can't let him touch me. The hand is coming
closer. I move away from it.

Get in the corner, roll on yourself. If I don't see him maybe he'll disappear? I cover my eyes.

- Murdock? It's me, it's Face, it's okay. I won't touch you. But you have to get those marks looked at; you're bleeding.

I look at him. He looks sincere but I can't let him touch me. Can't. He... he could... NO! He couldn't ... he wouldn't... this is Face, my friend, not the shadow.

But they're alike. Aren't they? They both want me. I have to get away!!! No! Stop it! Face is not an enemy; he's my friend, my best friend. He wouldn't dream of hurting me, would he?

He wants me doesn't he? Why does he want me? What did I do? I can't let him! Can't let him want me. Why would he?

I'm exposed; he can see me. He can see everything. He can want and he can hurt. No! He wouldn't it's Face, he wouldn't unless he sees... the blood... I have to get covered but I can't he's blocking the way...

- Murdock please! You're bleeding all over the floor! We have to do something!

Yes we do. I have to stop the blood. Have to clean it... have to be clean. The water is still running, it's cold now. I feel cold again. I'm shivering...

He approaches again. NO!!! I hold myself as far away from him as I can and I hold my knees tight. I'm rocking a bit. My muscles start to hurt. Getting cramped up from the tension. He screams:

- Hannibal!!! Get in here!

Hannibal.

Can't let him see me that way. What would he think?

That I'm weak, that I can't handle it.

He'd take me back to the VA. I couldn't be myself again. Never again. I need to show him I'm alright. Need to be strong. Can't disappoint him. I need to appear strong. But I don't want to. I want to die.

I want to escape this, want to be clean again. It's the only way to be clean.

But I have to be okay for now. I have to be okay again. I start to unroll, my body hurts, especially... there... I need to get up,
need to talk...

- It's okay Face. No panicking, I'm okay now. It's over. Just a little setback! You can let it go...

I rise to my feet. I want to wipe away the blood. Want to rub it all away. I need to get clean. But I can't. They won't let me, won't let me rub it away I know. They want me to stay dirty; they expect me to...

Maybe if I just ignored the blood. Maybe if I do, it'll go away... I hope it will... but I know it won't...

 

 

Part 2 (Hannibal)

I'm too old for this.

It's been hell.

I know... not as much for us as it was for him but...

What am I complaining about?

Okay, so Murdock hasn't been himself in weeks, he's closing up to Face even more than us. BA's about to suggest we lock them up until the problem is settled but he'd never do it.

He'd be too worried about them... about Murdock, to leave them more than one minute alone. He barely lets Murdock get in the shower alone for fear he'd hurt himself.

But we're letting him handle it like he asked us to.

The fact is that this is not working! Giving him space, letting him come to terms by himself is not working!!! We can't force him into anything either.

I never dealt with this kind of thing before. Wish I never had to. Not for what I'm going through with this... for Murdock.

I want to kill the bastard, want to revive him so I can kill him slowly. Like he should've been killed!!!

God this is hard for me to even imagine! Think of what it must be for Murdock. I'm surprised he hasn't tried *it* yet. I'm watching like a hawk, watching him, trying to make him okay. So is BA.

It doesn't heal, the wound doesn't close, it won't get better. He went through the therapy, he followed it but it's not doing anything!!!

The fact that the therapist was crying at some childhood memory at the end of a session gave us a hint he was not really trying
this approach.

What can I do? What can I do to help him? Nothing and it's driving me crazy. I read the books; I even went on the computers trying to find anything I could.

Says I need to believe him. I was fucking there!

Says I need to show him it wasn't his fault. For Christ sake! Of course it wasn't his fault... it was mine he knows that! He's my responsibility, my friend, and I let the guy sneak up on me!!! BA's blaming himself, but that's my fault too. I shouldn't have
ordered him away. Maybe that's why he won't let me touch him. Can't think about that too much...

And then there's the whole thing with Face. God, that's one hell of a mess! Imagine yourself in Murdock's place for only a minute! Your best male friend tells you he loves you, few hours later and you're being... being... violated! I mean it's fucking... hard, angering, confusing, unreal...

I didn't know what to expect when the kid told me that he was _in love_ with Murdock. I was shocked yes but... my first reaction wasn't to tell him to back off because he'd be hurt. I never thought Murdock would hurt him, even if he didn't return the feeling.

But now, I mean if the kid tries it again... I just don't know. Face knows that, knows he's got to be patient but it's killing him. He wants to heal him; he wants to take all the hurt away, we all do. But Murdock isn't letting Face touch him.

Only BA can touch him, weird as that may seem.

Just like that day when Murdock was still too weak to get up and tried to rise. The doctors were against it, but if there's one stubborn person I know, it's Murdock. He WANTED to get up.

So he started to make the moves. They were slow, suffering, heavy moves. Then he put his feet on the ground, tried to stand.

He fell, collapsed to the ground. Face was the closest one. He tried to catch Murdock before he hit the ground... before he hurt himself. Kid grabbed him around the waist.

We never saw the fist coming. Face flew back a couple of feet. And Murdock continued his downfall. He hit the ground hard.

Face was so surprised... his nose broken, he was shocked and regretful, like he should have known that would happen! But how could he possibly know, they'd always touched without problems before. Then we heard Murdock say:

- Don't touch me!!! Any of you!!!

So we let it go. For a while.

But he couldn't get back up. He tried...

I know Murdock hates needing help. Even more asking for it but I wasn't going to let him struggle by himself for years!!! I tried to go slowly, show him what I was doing.

He looked at me. I saw shame in his eyes, disgust. That hit me so hard.

There was no freaking reason!!!

Then just as I thought he'd let me touch him, he coiled on himself and retreated in the corner.

Then the most surprising thing happened. BA approached, never stopped moving, grabbed Murdock and put him back on the bed. Murdock never said a word, never struggled, never even tensed in his presence.

Now I don't know why he doesn't seem to trust me, maybe he blames me... he'd be right to.

I know why he won't let the kid get close... that one is pretty obvious.

I don't know why BA can though and why no one else can get within even a meter from him. But I intend to find out.

I hear:

- Hannibal!!! Get in here!

Shit!

I hurry downstairs to where I know Murdock is, to where the shout came from. When I get in, he has a towel around his waist and is drying himself, pushing Face away without touching him. He's shaking. His moves are unasserted, hesitant and brusque, like he wants to melt in the floor, like he wants to disappear. I want to stop that shaking. But I need to know what happened!!!

- What is it?

No one answers me. Face looks freaked and panicked. Murdock is now holding his arms over his chest, hugging himself.

Shit! Look at the marks! Oh fuck! Okay, need to clean those.

- Murdock? Will you let me clean them?
- It's no big deal... don't worry about me. You can't clean them anyway; they won't go away.
- I can make sure they don't get worse.

He raises his eyes to mine. I see hope there. A call for help... but still the same shame, the same hurt, the same doubt. Damn it!!! Why won't he trust me?

I know BA's not far; he's a worse mother hen than we are. I know Murdock will let him see to his wounds. I just don't know WHY!!! Why BA and not me or the kid, why can't I help?

Speak of the devil, here comes BA. I shoot him a "hurry" look. He comes close.

Murdock lets him again.

- Okay fool, show me those, we'll get them taken care of.

And he does. Murdock shows him the skinning job he did on himself but he doesn't look up.

When he does, he doesn't look into anyone's eyes. His are full of regret, guilt, shame... I just wish there was something _I_ could do!!!

- Don't worry 'bout it BA, I'm fine.

Right. Sure he is! This is it!!! He won't tell us anything, won't heal! We need a plan!!!

 

 

Part 3 (BA)

I knew this would be difficult but I also knew the fool would get through this. I thought I knew... He went through bad stuff before in Nam.

But it wasn't the same. I can't begin to fathom what he must feel like. I'm no longer so sure he'll get through this!

It's not the same thing!!!

And then he lets me touch him! Why not Face, why not Hannibal? Why me? I can't relate!

The closest thing to... to what happened to Murdock I ever suffered was in those camps. The humiliation at not being able to defend yourself, the anger you feel, like a disease. The way you want to make them pay and how you want to heal all the suffering. But it ain't the same! It ain't the same at all...

I don't know what to do! Hannibal would know it. Face would feel it. But what can _I_ do? What am I supposed to do?

Look at the mess. He's all bloodied. Fingernails marks up his arms and torso. Need to clean those. Fool's shaking; he's not
comfortable, too many people... he's exposed.

Hannibal gets it, there's no need for me to say anything. He takes Face's shoulders and leads him out the door. Faceman looks bad, looks as though he's the one who has the marks, inside his guts. Maybe he does... Crazy thing, love.

As soon as they're out Murdock collapses...

I'm there to catch him.

He's slippery with water and blood and I almost drop him. But I don't and I never will.

- What were you thinking, fool? You hurt yourself!
- You really do care...

It used to be a game between us, him trying to get me to say I liked him. His voice doesn't hold the same I-know-it-anyway tone that it used to. It's insecure, he doesn't know and he needs to be reassured.

I'm not one to do this!!! I don't know what to do! I wasn't one to do this years ago...

But now there's no choice; He decided I was the only choice.

Murdock reaches for his pants and I help him put them on. He couldn't do it himself in the state he's in.

And I will do anything for him to get well. If that means playing nurse, so be it!

He looks out of it again. I have the impression he hasn't been with us since... that...

I wish he'd wake up from wherever he is and that he'd tell me any of his usual foolishness.

But he won't.

...

I need to clean those up. He's loose and compliant, he feels... soft is what he feels like.

I start to clean the wounds; he doesn't make a sound. That's just not in him. He'll always hide he's hurt. It's a reflex reaction for him.

He looks up at me; his eyes are vulnerable, open.

What did I do to earn such trust from him?

I'll never betray it but I don't understand it!

Hannibal would be more suited with the physical stuff. And Faceman well, he'd know what to do and what to SAY. Why will he let *me*?

I don't know what to do!!!


End part 3

"Don't help me out
That's not what I need.
Help is a moment
Or a memory I'd rather forget."


Part 4 (Murdock)

Cleaning them up. Why can't he clean me up, clean my soul too. He doesn't know... he doesn't know about them, about it. So he
can't heal it. He can't heal if he doesn't know about it. And he can't hurt, can't catch it... can't hate me.

I have to stop thinking in circles. Have to keep up with the hurt. Have to hide it. I can't let them see I'm hurt. They'll try to heal
me. I don't want them to. Not them. They're... they know! How can I let them touch me if they know? And only those who know can help, but I can't... can't let it happen again.

Maybe they'll get contaminated if they touch me. Maybe I'll get hurt if they touch me. Why?

Why do they have to know damn it?

Does BA know?

No, he doesn't understand, doesn't know, he's safe. I can trust him to be strong. I know he won't catch the disease, he doesn't
know.

Face and Hannibal both know... I remember. I heard them as they talked; they thought I was out of it.

- Face, we have to talk about his thing.
- No Hannibal, there is nothing to talk about.
- Don't bullshit me kid!
- What do you want me to say? That I don't blame myself? I do! That I know what's going to happen? I don't. That I know how
this is going to affect us? God! I wish I did! I mean I just don't know... I wish... I know he won't be able to consider possibilities...
Goddamn it all to hell!!! Hear what I'm saying Hannibal!!! I'm thinking about fucking sex!!! He's just woken up for crying out loud!!!
- Feel better now?
- Yeah... thanks... I needed that.
- Want to talk about it?
- Maybe. What do you think is going to happen?
- This is way out of my field but I think, if you give it time... there might be possibilities.
- I hope so Hannibal. Right now, my heart feels like it's been stabbed. I just want him to know he's important. Just want him to
know I will never hurt him. I hope he'll realise it's not the same thing Hannibal, I just hope and I don't know why I'm telling
you all this!
- You have to tell someone, might as well be me. He won't reject you... not voluntarily. You know that.
- Yeah I do, Murdock is always so easy about everything!

And I returned to unconsciousness then. Blissfully.

Couldn't handle that. Them talking about... that. Easy. Me. He's probably right. That's why he wanted me in the first place
wasn't it? Would it make him happy? If I gave myself to him? If I said yes? God it would hurt!

...

Love, sex, hurt. It's all related. It's the same thing. Love means sex and sex means hurt. I can't let them touch me. I'll be
hurt... they'll be hurt.

BA doesn't *love* me. And he doesn't know, doesn't understand like Hannibal did. He doesn't want me like Face does. Doesn't
believe I... He's safe; BA is safe.

But he said I was important. I'm not. I'm nothing. I remember thinking love was a wonderful thing. Remember thinking it had to be cherished... no more. I can't love and he can't love me... I'm not worthy to be loved... I'm broken... I'm soiled, tainted, stained... I can't let myself trust him not to hurt me, can't let him get too near, it'll jump from me to him...

Jump...

I chuckle a bit, BA looks at me with a scowl on his face. Good, maybe he won't care if I frustrate him enough.

But I need someone to care... I just don't want it to be someone who knows, someone who understands, someone potentially dangerous, potentially in danger. I can't let this happen can't let my bitterness take over, I did this before, I went through this before, what's different this time? Why can't I feel strong like I did then?

Because I'm not strong, I've never been... I always needed them. Never had something so broken in me, never feared I could break the same thing in them. I can't break it in BA because he doesn't know; I don't think he has it so it can't be broken.

I'm dangerous for Hannibal and Face. Maybe they'll realise I'm not worth anything, maybe they'll see how broken and... contaminated I am. But if they see they'll try to heal me. I can't let that happen. They'll get broken and infected too. They may hurt me... they know.

Would they try to heal me? If they saw how soiled I am maybe they'd get disgusted and leave... maybe I could die then.

- Come on fool! Turn around. I gotta check your back.

I can do this for him, he doesn't want me and he can't get inside. I turn around, I feel exposed, I know they can see the blood. It'll
never go away... I'm marked for life.

- Why?

Was that a question? Was it for me? Better not worry him too much.

- Why what BA?
- Why won't you let them touch you? I ain't the one to help you! I don't know what to do!
- BA you don't know... that's why.
- Stop speaking in riddles and tell me why you're breaking their hearts as much as your own!!!
- I'm not breaking their hearts, I'm making sure they're safe. They know.
- Know what?
- They know about the love. They know about the desire, they might...
- The desire? Shit! You think this is... sexual?
- No, they know. They can get broken, can get hurt, because they know. I can get hurt if they touch me, I can shatter even more,
they can hurt me. They know. They can get hurt.


End part 4

"All my thoughts are jumbled up.
So rarely do they organize, and so rarely is anyone around to hear
them truly."


Part 5 (BA)

What the hell is the fool talking about? I'm trying to be careful with his back but I know it must hurt. He rubbed it against the harsh wall of the shower. He almost skinned himself! I'm trying to be careful but I don't know how. I'm trying to be careful but
I'm too angry.

Angry at the bastard most of all!

But also angry at Face for not trying harder.

Angry at Hannibal for not knowing everything.

Angry at Murdock for not wanting to heal.

Angry at those fools for not talking to each other.

Not small talk but real openhearted talk. There hasn't been any, and the fool needs to talk. The shrinks won't help. He thinks circles around them no matter the shape he's in! What will help is when he lets Face back in. I'm not hiding the truth from myself. Murdock hasn't let me inside. Never has. He lets me touch him. Period.

Why? If I figure that out maybe it'll be okay. Maybe things will get back to what they were. I know that's the key and I wish it were Face or Hannibal that had to figure it out. But it's me for some weird reason. Now get thinking for once BA. Why am I the only one he lets touching him?

Does he want something from me?

Nah, it's not his way. He'd just plain ask. But he doesn't want and he doesn't ask but that don't mean he doesn't need anything! Think harder!!!

What is his way? He'll never let anyone see he's hurt. That's not in his nature. He never whines, never complains too much. He hides the hurt, the pain. He does it now, zoning out, not reacting as the cloth gets in the wounds. It must hurt but he won't tell us. Won't show it but he's hurt. That's a certainty.

This bastard hurt him! I wish Face hadn't killed him so I could've made him regret ever having been born.

Faceman.

It all circles around Faceman. HE told the fool he was in love with him and two hours later... IT happened. Murdock could think Face wants the same thing than Davidson. But Face is his friend!!!

Faceman, he hasn't spoken or scammed a thing since then. He barely eats. He looks heart-broken. He is heart-broken. Because Murdock won't let him in! Murdock pushed him away. He refused every single thing Face tried to do for him. And each time, Faceman gets a little more depressed.

Why did that bastard have to ruin everything? Murdock wouldn't be hurt, Face wouldn't be depressed, Hannibal wouldn't feel
guilty and I wouldn't have to figure everything out by myself!!!

Shit! Fool flinched at that. I really wish Hannibal would do it, the physical stuff. I can hit, and hurt, I can't heal! Why will he
let only me? Face, I can get that he might not feel secure with the admission but why not Hannibal? And what the hell can I do?

I have to figure out why the love admission makes him insecure. It's a pretty easy deduction for once. He doesn't want to get hurt. And he associates what Face told him with the... violence he suffered. Even if he knows Face is a friend! But why Hannibal? Why? It has to have something to do with Face. That's for sure.

...

Hannibal... Hannibal knows! Shit that's it! Fool thinks I don't know about Face's admission and that's why he'll let ME touch
him!!!

But that doesn't clear everything up! I mean he has been freaked, yes, but something else too, in his stance, in his speech, in his
eyes, something missing, and something I miss. He's always isolated, he moves without assurance. When he does move. He never gets out without covering every part of his body. His stance is uncomfortable and... almost shameful!

Fuck!

Why? Why would he be ashamed? Damn it all to hell! Have any of us told him he couldn't have stopped it? Have any of us told him there was nothing more he could've done? Have any of us told him it wasn't his fault? No. We didn't because we thought it was obvious!

- Wasn't your fault.

No answer.

- Did you hear me fool? It wasn't your fault!
- I know... But the blood won't go away. I'm stained.

What? No fucking way in hell!!!

- Don't you ever let me hear you say that again!
- Okay...
- That's not what I meant!!! You can talk to me!
- Okay...
- Look fool, I'm no good at talking; maybe you should talk to Faceman.
- NO! I can't! I won't, I could infect him, he could hurt me, he wants me BA. It's bad.
- It isn't bad.
- How do you know? You don't know!!! You can't know or you'll get infected too!!!
- I won't get infected fool! Look!!! I'm touching you and nothing happens to me.
- That's because you don't know. You don't know what they want.
- I know fool! And I'll prove you it has nothing to do with it!!! Faceman will never hurt you!
- I know...
- You don't know!!!
- I do, I just can't let it stain him. Can't let him see. He'll get disgusted.
- He won't get disgusted!!! No one will!
- Prove it!!!

Shit! Prove it? I can't do that! Can I? How?

...

No. Not that.

Don't think about it... I never did that before... I can't do that!!!

He's looking up at me self-disgust, self-loathing and a sad look of I-told-you so in his eyes.

What the hell? It can't get any worse, can it?


End part 5

"Why can't you see our pain?
And let it go?"


Part 6 (Murdock)

Fuck that hurts! Maybe, just maybe I shouldn't have rubbed my back against the wall. It fucking hurts!

At least it clears my head. I can stop thinking in circles; can stop feeling...

I have to start thinking clearly. I have to clear my head. Have to know what the hell is happening to me. Why I can't...

I know why. But I don't.

I can't let Face touch me, I feel scared each time he's close. I know it's irrational, but irrationality has logic! If only I could
grasp it, maybe I can stop feeling scared.

Why did he have to say that!!! I mean, why then, why not, I don't know... later? Before? I don't know!

And why did he kill the bastard? I wanted to do it. But he robbed that from me.

Stop it. Stop thinking like that! Face would never hurt me... would he?

He wants the same thing right? Sex? Yes. That's bad.

How can he even want that? I'm shattered, incomplete... damaged, stained. Can't he see?

I am living a contradiction, I know, but I can't help it. I FEEL this way. I feel that I'm scared and I feel like I could hurt him...
And I feel like he could hurt me. But I fear hurting him more, I'm not worth that much... not after...

Hannibal knows... he wants me to... expect me to just...

It's like I don't have a free will. Like they decided what my reaction should be! Like the shadow wanted... control. They thought
I would have sex with Face, no objections. They thought I wouldn't protest. And they thought I would be kind... I don't feel like I
have any kindness to share. I don't feel like it at all. Whatever I had, it's been taken away. What right do they have to assume that?

What right do they have to decide what my reaction would be? None.

Did I give the impression that I wanted it? Is that why Face expects me to fall in his arms? Did I do something? Did I ask for it? Is that why the shadow did it? Because he saw the same thing Face did? Face did say I was... easy.

I feel dirty, like I'm taken for granted, like I'm worth nothing. Am I? I think so... No one would want me anyway. Who would want someone who's so easy? Who would want someone marked the way I am? Who would want someone as worthless as me? Who knows what would happen to Face if he got too close?

Who knows what would happen to me if I let him? I know... hurt, for all of us. I should... I should just keep away, keep the infection to myself. But I won't survive if I don't have them.

What does it matter? Do I want to survive? Not for myself, no. I'm not worth it. But Face seems to think I'm important... how can
someone so easy to get be important?

I won't fight death if it comes... maybe I could help it come?

I mean, what would it change? I'm not worth life, nor love and even then love leads to sex which leads to pain.

Maybe I do deserve it then. Deserve the hurt. Maybe it's the only thing I'm good at, the only thing such a worthless being can have.

Damn it!!!

I don't want to hurt him, and I don't want to get hurt anymore even if I do deserve it. I can't even take the pain like a man!

I deserved it didn't I? It seems like I asked for it. Why else would *he* have done it? I must have given *him* some sort of signal... I must have given *him* an indication... the same one Face picked up on. And Hannibal too, he's just not interested, but he expects me to respond because I was giving the signal.

I... I could have stopped it, couldn't I? I wasn't tied up, I could have hit him and gotten away, if only I'd been strong, if only I
wasn't worth so little.

Thank God, BA didn't pick up on it!

- It wasn't your fault.

What the fuck is he talking about? I gave a signal right? I fucking gave it!!! If I didn't, it means there was no reason for the
shadow to want me, no reason for Face to want me, no reason for me to feel hurt... and I do. I hurt and I feel scared and I feel ashamed. There has to be a reason... I have to be the reason. I'm the one who signalled *him*. I'm the one who led Face on like a whore!

- Did you hear me fool? It wasn't your fault!

It was. I gave the signal. Now I'm tainted, I'm dirty... I asked for it. The blood is mine. It will never go away.

- I know... But the blood won't go away. I'm stained.
- Don't you ever let me hear you say that again!!!

I let that remark slip. I won't worry him. I'm not worth the worry. Just agree with whatever he says.

- Okay...
- That's not what I meant!!! You can talk to me!
- Okay...
- Look fool, I'm no good at talking; maybe you should talk to Faceman.

And let him see me? The signal brings bad things... He could hurt me. I could hurt him, he could get the signal... he could be hurt because of it. Better if I keep it to myself. I can't talk to him! He'll get it! He'll see me for the whore I am. He'll go away then or he could hurt me because he's disgusted...

- NO! I can't! I won't, I could infect him, he could hurt me, he wants me BA. It's bad.
- It isn't bad.

He can't know that. If he knows that, it means he can see the signal, if he can see it he can get it!!! And he can hurt me...

- How do you know? You don't know!!! You can't know or you'll get infected too!!!
- I won't get infected fool! Look!!! I'm touching you and nothing happens to me.

He can't get it. He doesn't see it. He doesn't know. It's safe.

- That's because you don't know. You don't know what they want!!!
- I know fool! And I'll prove you it has nothing to do with it!!! Faceman will never hurt you!
- I know...

I think I do... Face would never hurt me no matter how worthless I really am. But the signal will force him to hurt me. And he'll
get it. Another shadow might go after him. Anyone can go after him. If he gets it, he'll hate me and he'll hurt me and he'll go
away, he'll be disgusted that I was such a whore in the first place. And he'll hurt me. He'll hurt me if he sees it too much. He'll hurt if he can touch me. Touch transmits the blood.

- You don't know!!!
- I do, I just can't let it stain him. Can't let him see. He'll get disgusted.
- He won't get disgusted!!! No one will!

He doesn't see the signal; he would be disgusted if he did, would see me for the worthless being I am. But what if? What if he saw that I didn't _want_ to give the signal? Maybe he wouldn't be disgusted... but that's impossible. I must want to give it otherwise I just wouldn't, no? If only he could _not_ get disgusted with me...

- Prove it!!!

He stops for a minute, thinks about it. I knew it. He can't prove it. I AM sickening. I think I can see him turn gray under his black skin. Then his face shows determination and I close my eyes. I can't see it. I can't see the revulsion.

Then the strangest thing happens. I feel a pair of lips on mine.

OH SHIT!!!

He picked up on the signal!!! I have to get away. Get away before hurt comes!!! Fight! Don't wait too long this time.

I'm fighting against him but he's too strong! No wait, he isn't, he lets me go. I have to get out, have to get away!!!

I get on my feet. I don't have a shirt but I put my pants on before BA tried to clean me up... Why did he have to pick up on it? Why? I run out the door fast as I can. But before I go, I hear:

- That wasn't disgust and it wasn't hurt.

I can't think about it. I'm terrified! I have to get out of the way. Can't meet anyone, they'll get the signal and try to hurt me.
Especially since I'm not covered. Find something to cover yourself!!! NOW!

There's a woman near the house, she's hanging clothes out. It'll have to do. She can't pick up on the signal. I grab a dark sheet and take off again. I run, have to exhaust myself, I don't deserve to rest. I run and run and run, this way I don't think. Then my legs won't hold me up anymore... I collapse.


End part 6

It doesn't describe,
The fear,
The hate,
The loathing,
The wishing
(It could be like it used to be).

It doesn't describe,
The stink of his breath,
The pain,
The humiliation,
The guilt
(Why should I be guilty?)

 

 

TBC

 

 


Prove It by Sharkshape
Prove It 7-12 by Sharkshape
Prove It 13-15 by Sharkshape
Prove It 16 by Sharkshape
Prove It 17 by Sharkshape

 

 


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