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This page last viewed: 2017-10-17 and has been viewed 2318 times
NC-17... I think... just read the warnings!
Summary: Can't summarize this, it's too short! But it's sad... very sad.
Warning: Death of major characters, mental health disorder, suicide
Disclaimer: Not mine!
My mind is screaming. I can't shut it off. I'm not sure I could even try to.
Is this craziness? The screaming, the blur in my head?
I feel numb, that's about the only thing I know for sure. Numbness, that's good, no? You don't feel pain or anger... or grief.
After all this time, I should know what insanity is, shouldn't I? After all this time of pretending, I should know... I don't... I
don't know, I never did.
I don't want to think but it won't stop. Just screaming. No words, just noise... noise I can't shut off. Make it stop. I don't want to
hear it anymore. I want peace... please... I don't want this to be true. Someone make it stop!
I'm sobbing, I know. The numbness is leaving me. I don't want it to. I don't want to feel. Anything.
Life isn't fair. Death isn't either. Death... the thought is reassuring somehow. Death, absence of pain. I know if the numbness
leaves me completely I'm going to die. Maybe not even realise it, I'll just be gone. Maybe I'll decide to.
It's the same, isn't it? Numbness and death? Except one is permanent. Maybe I'm already dead but the voices won't let me go? Maybe that's my punishment. Eternal torment takes on a whole new perspective now.
Maybe I deserve it. Deserve the screaming for the rest of eternity. The accusing voices, the voices screaming at me. Can I take it?
Can you die again once you're dead? Am I dead? If I'm dead I want to die again. I want to, hear me?
It's going, it's going... no, please stay!
Oh God! I'm feeling it!
It twists my insides, my head pounds so hard I think it'll burst. I hope it does. I'm not sobbing anymore. I'm crying, howling, again... no... not howling; howling is happy, howling is flying... safely.
I'm going to die, how can someone survive getting his heart ripped out? I sure don't want to. Won't survive this. Just plain can't.
Someone is here. He tries to comfort me. Won't work doc! I'm already a dead man. You can't live without a heart. Mine is gone.
He just looks at me, grief in his eyes, for me? I don't deserve it. Don't grieve for me doc. I'm going. One way or another.
I thought I had lost the ability to hear. The screaming is so intense I didn't think I could hear anything else, but his voice breaks
through. It always did. Just like Hannibal's did.
- Murdock, listen to me. I know this is hard...
I start to laugh... can't help it.
I look at him in the eye; try to convey what I want without words. He sighs sadly, message transmitted and received. Now will he help? He unfastens the restraints and leaves the room. Thank you Doc.
I look around the room, can't find anything, they did well. But I'm determined. The screaming has to stop. I take the arms of the bed and tear them apart. Sharp enough. I use them on my wrists.
I watch the blood on my hands. It fits.
It has to stop. It will soon. When there is no more blood in me. Maybe it compensates. I don't think so but I know it's only fair.
I start to feel faint so I lie now on what remains of my bed. The numbness is returning.
I still hear it. I'm terrified it won't stop. Terrified it'll follow me in death. "Murdock! Help us!" it says now.
I... I just froze at the sight of the blood. The plane crashed, the end part totally crushed, because I froze. Seeing BA land on the
cockpit window. I froze and killed the others. Hannibal, Face... BA. God, I can't take this anymore. Why don't I die? Why is it
taking so long?
I still see BA's face, he was alive you know? He looked at me all bloodied and mouthed: "Fly fool!"
If I'd just kept my cool, I could have landed the plane and saved everyone.
Now all I hear is screaming.
Then finally, silence.
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